Hey to all - Im new to the forums here but sadly am not new to sex addict thing...
I figured I should lay it all out here and see what happens. Thanks in advance for your chizuk.

I discovered GUE quite a while back and it helped me through a good 3 months of sobriety. Those 3 months were the best times I have had since I was learning in Eretz Yisrael. I know what the feeling of being free is like and man, do I want that back. But from the first fall, its been non-stop since... 2 months later and I have hit the bottom.

A little about myself:
Im a regular single yeshivish/modern guy who went to a typical yeshiva for high school and spent a considerable time learning in Israel. I have been using pornography since early high school and have been Mozteee Zerah Livatalah (MZL....) since that time as well. I knew the wrongs of it but not until I was older did I start to feel the effects of it.

In the last 3 years since returning to America, I have had my ups and downs, but have alway kept the positive mindset that I WILL BREAK FREE. Sadly I never fully have. Im not ready to give up. But I have come to terms that I am an addict. In the last year, being MZL wasn't enough for me to achieve pleasure. I began to search various websites and discovered the unbelievable amount of possibilities for gratification without "going all the way" so to speak. B"H I have never gone to the real bottom, but I have found myself using massage parlors etc, we all know the results of that. And today I hit the bottom for me. I visited one of these disgusting places after a HOURS of this tremendous lust building inside of me. I decided that today it has to end for good.

So here it is! Out in the open! I already installed the K9 Filter on my computer, have downloaded the hypnotic mp3's, and will probably call a therapist.

Many times I see on the forum cries about Teshuva. How can I do Teshuva after all I've done!?!? Well I know that Hashem gives people things that they can handle. Guys! We are the chosen ones! We are the ones faced with this daunting Nisayon that plagues us. And when we conquer it - and WE ALL WILL conquer it - Hakadosh Baruch Hu will show us how far we've climbed from the depths of our destruction to the heights of happiness and kedusha.

One thing I learned in talking to certain Rabbeim through this is that you cant let yourself get down. Its not easy. I get down also, but even after a fall, we need to smile. Hashem is testing us because he loves us. When we will ultimately win the war over yetzer, these down will seem so small. The Victory at then end is so much larger and greater than all of our falls added together.

Thanks for reading. I too need chizuk. Tomorrow, January 1, 2010, I embark on my 90 day journey. My bags are packed and I am saying goodbye to the old me. I will iy"H try to keep somewhat of a log of journey. Your chizuk and support is needed and appreciated in advance.

Hatzlacha fellow warriors! 

Welcome to our family!

There are hundreds of great threads on this forum, but I would like to ask you to please read through the following thread.

It's from a boy like you, who fell even farther... (He just joined 2 days ago)... Read through the welcoming letters and suggestions... I'm sure you'll learn a lot.

Welcome home!

Welcome back to GYE, Riskbh!

If you are able to say the following (with conviction), you are already on your way to recovery: "I am a sex addict, and I am prepared to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to go into recovery."

It's important to work the GYE handbooks to determine just how strong your addiction is, and what you will need to do to keep it at bay.  Once you've determined that, keep working the handbooks - you will continue to gain much insight and inspiration!  I could be wrong, but from what you've written, it appears likely that you will need a 12-step group to stay clean for the long term.  GYE has several of these groups over the phone, and that might be enough for you if you work the steps properly.  Duvid Chaim's group is fininshing up in a week or two, and will, IY"H, start a new cycle in February.

Hatzlacha!

Hello and welcome R' Risk,
It's a priveledge to have you with us on our forum. I can see from your post that you have a knack for chizuk. Thats good, there are lots of us here who could use it.
One thing you you should be aware of, is that the way people succeed here, is not by getting their previous ideas and notions to finally do something which they have always been failing at. Here there is an attitude shift. A new way of thinking which is tried and tested, and works. Additionally, when you work together with a group - things are always easier.

K'nesh - couldn't have said it better.
Except maybe that the handbooks are good to read even if you already know where your holding.
Looking forward to seeing your log, be sure to keep us updated.
Hatzlacha!

hi! welcome to our club. You have taken a giant leap in the right direction by coming here. This is where things will start to get better. You may still have a fall from time to time, but you will get there! It's like a zig-zag graph thats pointing upwards - there may be dips but the direction is forward!  All the best! Just keep posting!

Reb Riskbh! Welcome!

I think that what you're doing is incredible - you've accepted that you have an issue, and you're taking numerous steps to help yourself get out of it. I hope that you do keep posting, and we'll all be here for you - but please realize that your posts, of your struggles, your successes, and even Chas v'shalom, you falls - looking at you change and fight and grow, will inspire us, as well!

Kollel Guy wrote on 31 Dec 2009 22:54:


I think you meant me! 

Very good point, KG.  I modified my message to reflect what you wrote.

Thank you all for responses, my appreciation is more than youll ever know.

I have already downloaded the handbooks and am hitting the books!

I read that other forum, and am b"H taking alot out of what everyone is responding to this bachurs plight.

Kollel Guy - this is NEW for me. I have always tried simply stopping. Never acknowledging how bad of situation I was in. I felt i never needed a filter, therapy etc. I could do it on my own. Today I came to the full realization that I am powerless against this.

I just happen to work very hard on not letting myself lose sight and perspective. I feel its important for us to realize this "gift" and opportunity we have. It makes the fight so much more meaningful.

riskbh54 wrote on 31 Dec 2009 23:01:


That's step one of the twelve steps!  You're already on your way!  

Welcome my holy brother. i would write more but im literally falling asleep.......................

mom is not here so i guess i gtta say that: GO TO BED!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!
and thats from mom:  >

But it's only 3am!

theOne wrote on 01 Jan 2010 00:46:
Yeah, and it was also from someone who was up LATER than me! >            :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Ha! Touche!

outch.  :-\. STILL grls are allowed to stay  up late, ecpecially when they have vacation...