Like I suggested, SA groups and a good sex-addiction therapist like Reb Shlachter are probably your best bet. You see, the issue here is not Teshuvah. For such aveiros, Teshuvah in the normal sense may not even be possible. But as I saw in the Nesivos Shalom today, that is only if you stay the same person and try to do Teshuvah. But if you become "a new person" completely, as the Ramba"m says about real Teshuvah, then your Teshuvah will truly help. And one of the best ways to become a NEW person is through the 12-Step program. It rebuilds the man from scratch. You will come out of recovery a different person. And the program is simple enough for anyone to understand. It is a program of "action" and honesty, and anyone can do actions. And almost anyone can be honest.

You see, we can't think ourselves into a new way of living, but we CAN live ourselves into a new way of thinking.

I believe you would benefit a lot from reading the translations we did on Reb Shlachter's book called "The first day of the rest of my life". Download it here.

There are two things I want to tell you meanwhile, to get you started in recovery even before meeting Reb Shlachter or joining the SA group.

1) Once you are talking to the woman, it is too late. You will be basically an oinus. The enemy outside, needs to stay outside. Once we let him in through our eyes, he is then inside our very own hearts and it's almost impossible to beat him. As they say in AA, it was the first sip that got us drunk. Why? Cuz once we start to taste the lust, we are powerless. There is no way to even begin recovery unless you make yourself strong fences in Shmiras Ainayim and in not talking to women. Once we get into conversation, or even let ourselves see too much, we are powerless over the addiction.

2) Make yourself a battle plan. Conquer one territory at a time. Once that territory is secured, you can make progress in other areas too. For now, make your red line: No married women for 90 days. Period. No matter what. Everything else, is Ok. If you're gonna fall, you can fall, but NOT there - no matter what. Once that territory is secure, you can move on. Deal?

Hashem loves you, and we are all here for you. But virtual support is not enough in your case. After all, the acting out wasn't just virtual, right? And the same thinking that got us into the addiction, won't get us out. We need a whole new way of thinking. And that you'll get from SA and from Reb Shalchter.

Hashem put you into this situation because he knew you'd come out much stronger and with a much closer Kesher to him, at the end of the day. You have it in your hands now to use this addiction as a spring board for spiritual and mental growth that you never dreamed of!

Oh Holy Holy Brother!! My heart hurts for you. You are so special. The y'h is working on you so hard says alot about what he thinks hes gonna lose if you beat him out!! Listen to what Guard and the others are telling you. They are all doing it out of pure love. They dont know you, and just want the absolute best for you. So do take serious considerations to the options they are laying out for you. Realize that this cant be done alone, and you have a wonderful and loving family here that are willing to help with every step of the way. Also realize that this isnt a question of teshuva. We need to get ourselves out of the rut and when we do then we can start thinking about teshuva.

Hatzlacha my friend, and heed the words of those greater than us, and we will go far. Very far!

To qoute a song;
Theres a way, to walk in the light
Theres a way, to do what is right
the road of return
is not so hard to learn
If we heed what the tzadikim say

help613, ur not the only one that did such things. we r all in the same boat, we all have done mistakes. our task right now is to stop doing them. we have to look forward, not back. i hate myself for what i did and im sooo ashamed, but a wise friend told me just yesterday, that we can FIX things. its like taking a broken chair and changing it into a even more usefull furniture. we are/ were broken but we r changing. getting better. mistakes shmistakes. GOOD LUCK

It doesn't matter what the behaviors are - or how far you went, the bottom line is that you're addicted to LUST and can't control it.
You are right. It's all in the head.
Recovery is a lot more than just "stopping the behaviors".
It's a whole new way of thinking.
But still, it's hard to begin making the "inner changes" if we are in "active addiction".
As they say in AA: "Do it sober."

So let's sum up the practical advice here:
1) Contact SA - as soon as possible
2) Give Reb Shlachter a call - as soon as possible.
3) Stay away from triggers as much as possible. Delete bad phone numbers. Avoid homes where such problems have arisen in the past, etc...
4) Make yourself a red-line of at least one really bad "bottom-line" behavior that you feel you can conquer now before moving on to new territory.
5) Download and read the translations linked above.

Be well!

IT25 - Ah...not enough people in america have heard of Ken Burgess...

silentbattle wrote on 31 Dec 2009 14:05:
You dont what you just did for me SB. I love KB so much. His songs are just out of this world. So deep and sooooooooooo full of meaning.

You're making a lot of sense - but it's not that simple.

First of all, let me say that I think it's great that you have such a strong desire to connect with a wife on a deep level, and start a loving family. And when the time comes, I'm sure that you'll throw all of your incredible energy into those things.

In the meantime, though, I think that you have some work to do. You have trouble avoiding problematic situations - in fact, you somehow seem to get drawn into them, correct?

The issues that you have aren't going to go away once you get married - both the lust issues, and the issues of getting close to people in inappropriate ways. And even if the "love and relationship" part is a bigger deal than the physical stuff, the two are clearly connected - as you already know.

Dear Reb Help,

Thanks for opening up to us and describing the pain you're going through. The one common denominator on this site is that we are all struggling to overcome our private hidden challenges, the ones no one knows are ours as they pass us on the street. In this way you are the same as all of us here, and I think it is important for you to know that, so that you can receive the chizzuk we want to give...

I understand your reluctance to see R' Shlachter, it seems weird to you to just go to a rabbi and start telling him your problems. The truth is that I've never met him, but from what I've been picking up on the forums from everyone who has met him, is that this Rabbi is not like the Rabbis you grew up knowing. He has been dealing with people struggling the same struggles, some who think they fell even lower than you, some who feel like they didn't, but all people who are seriously struggling in this area. He understand them, he is not judgmental at all, he will maintain total confidentiality and not "blow your cover," and most of all HE CAN HELP. In order to reach up, we need to reach out. It is difficult and there is some shame involved but it will bring you enormous relief from the stress of leading your secret life.

Two other important comments. #1, from the descriptions of your strong need to connect, and your ability to do so both in healthy and non healthy settings, it seems that there is a lot going on here beneath the surface, stuff that goes way beyond ta'avah, something that maybe buried deep in your subconscious, or possibly some warped reaction to some sort of unhealthy relationship as a child... These kinds of issues usually need some form of professional help along with a supportive community which you will undoubtedly find here!

#2 Please don't think about getting married now. Marriage doesn't fix things, marriage exacerbates them. If you life is healthy, stable, good, marriage will make it super healthy, super stable, and super good (provided of course that you work hard on it). But if your life is filled with secrets, unhealthy activities and attachments, getting married will make your life fill with even more secrets, spin even more out of control.

We're here to help, and it will require some real steps on your part (the first one was of course coming here and joining and kol hakavod for that!!!), but you are the only one who can take back control of your life, and I look forward to watching you do it, as we all journey together down the halls of GYE to real Freedom!

Keep on Trukkin,
Haba

You're worried about calling Reb Shlachter? Here's a post from "Uri" (21 yrs old) that might allay your fears. (I took it from his blog over here)...

I dialed the therapist's number very determinedly.I was like k, whatever this guy sends my way or asks me to do, I'm in.It's time for this addiction to come to a close.
"Hello"
"Yea,hi,is this Rabbi Shlachter?"
"Yes."
"So my name is Uri,and I want to schedule an appointment with you."
"Ok.Why?"
Pause.
"I'm a sex addict."
Pause.
"So?"
Pause.
"So I don't want to be a sex addict"
Pause.
"Okay. I'll see maybe I can help you. Come in to my office tomorrow."

The next day...
"Hi."
"Welcome.How can I help you?"
"Well,I'm a sex addict.I can't stop watching porn,masturbating,and having sexual liaisons."
"So what?Sounds like fun to me."
"Uh,no.It sucks."
"Why?"
Wow.I never thought about that.
"Cause it's not right?"
"Nope."
"Cause G-d isn't happy with me?"
"Uri,you know it's not that either."
"Truth is,I don't know why I'm here."
"I do."
Relief.
"Tell me a bit about yourself..."
So I told him about my abusive father, my untimely move cross-planet, my painful relationships in my life,etc...
(paints a pretty picture,doesn't it?)
He's like to me "and that's why you go to sex,isn't it?"
I said "looks like it".
"So why on earth would you want to get rid of that?!"
Huh?
"You heard me. Sex was there for you when you needed it to be. It's been your best friend for as long as you can remember. It helped you out through rough times.Where would you be without sex? Maybe dead! Where's the hakaras hatov(appreciation)?!"
Wo.

Basically, he understands you a lot better than you understand yourself. he'll help you find the root of why you do these things, and help you change your thought process around. He's doing great work with a few of the members of our forum (Momo, Uri, IloveHashem).

We don't suggest marriage before an addict has at least a year sober. As Rabbi Twerski wrote to someone about this: "It is important to know that the addiction is under control before considering marriage. Marriage is not a hospital and does not cure addiction, and continuation of the addiction is likely to ruin a marriage."

Dear R' Help
What your saying does make a lot of sense. However, there is only a fraction of a % that you understand about marraige before your actually in it. It seems to you now, that those things you mentioned are enough to keep you in line, and therefore marraige will negate the possibility of the entire problem.
Actually, I don't know ANYBODY who had a problem when he/she was single that was solved with marriage. They always blow up even more drastically. There are many things - about your marraige, about your future spouse, about life, about the world, and about yourself that you will only begin to realize after your married. With my strongest urgings, I would advise you not to even think about marriage until you are past this thing, in a very definite sense.
About the Rabbi, he's trained for this, and he has people coming to see him who have situations identical to yours, or very probably even worse than yours. Yes there's the embarrassment issue, but really it's only for the first minute. As soon as you get to know the person your dealing with, all uncomfortable feelings disappear.
Buddy, I don't know how convinced you are of this, but you will get out of this mess!!!!
And I will get out of mine, and the next yid here will get out of his, and the next out of his.
We're all in this together, and when you feel you need chizuk - we'll be here for you, and when one of us needs it - you'll be here for us.

I think its important you understand my Holy Brother that R Shlachter isnt just a Rabbi. Hes a professional therapist. This is what he deals with. Hes not like a Rosh Yeshiva or a Rebbi in some yeshiva.

Hi there! First of all i wanted to mention to you that i go to r' shlachter as mentioned before(i used to call myself ilovehashem on gye). He's just the person you need. I had a friend who suggested i go to a therapist and i debated on it for a very long time. You see, my mother's into psychology and i just couldn't stand all this stuff. I was very hesitant on going. But my friend told me "listen, it's not gonna hurt you, it's worth the try. If it doesn't help, so what, at least you tried". But i was still very unsure and dreading it. Eventually i sent a email to guard about my fears and he told me to write an email to r' twersky and see what he says. That's what i did. R' twersky replied that i'm sick and a sick person needs to go to a doctor if he wants to be healed. You can ask guard for the chizzuk email speaking about this conversation [u]here's the link[/u] - Guard]. I began to look for a good therapist. It was a long story, one was too full, one was not feeling well so i had to wait a week and a half till he got back to me. Above all many of them were charging exorbitant prices, i was going mad. Where would i pick up approx one thousand shekel per session. Eventually i called r' shlachter and he gave me an appointment the next day for only two hundred shekel per session!! I've been three times already. He's really really a great person. He does sometimes say things that are deep and takes time to understand, but after a number of sessions you'll feel like you are beginning to change. Just ask momo about that. You know i also had fears, i'm also a yeshiva bochur learning in israel. I am petrified that anyone should find out about it, especially my rosh yeshiva, as much as i know him, he'll 'flip' if he would know i was going. He does not hold to much of psychologists and therapists. But i've kept it confidential and no one knows about it, so nothing to worry about. You know i feel the same as you, in the open i'm outgoing and friendly, but inside i felt rotten. But we'll both overcome this struggle iy"h. Loi-m

Hey buddy, im new here as well and Im with you here! No matter how far we fall we can always climb up, we just need that first REAL step.
Hatzlacha Rabah and I hope to hear of your triumphs over the yetzer harah soon!

NO