(in israel, post yom tov)

I can't take it.
I had been clean so long, not even having a taiva anymore.
After an awful, feelingless pesach- couldnt feel or learn or be calm
couldnt sleep, and the taivos and thoughts poured in unexpectedly
after starting to give in- I endued up on the computer until 3 am browsing mindless entertainment. Thought i finally got out of that well which destroyed my life as well. but the part i really cant take is after. I let the thoughts come back in. I didnt have the same pull, but i wanted it. And i deliberately thought of those things, and started worse. I didint have to.
After all this time, and after yom tov, and all the good Hashem has done for me and all the opportunities for growth and mitzvos, and i just brought it in.
Just yesterday I was thinking Id rather die then go back, and i still rather I would have. I dont know what to do.
(I wrote this after waking up, already I dont feel much hurt anymore or affected. really dont know what to do to prevent this, or where to go or how to fix)

In Israel too...

You should be happy and excited that you still have taavos! You still have nisyonos! Paradigm shift. Thank Hashem!!

I feel you man. Just keep going. It makes me proud to be associated with people who care so deeply. I wish I could reach over to Isreal and give you a hug. Keep us posted, and be as proud for caring so much. Hatzlacha!

Hey, you are such an amazing person for all you have done and the way you have come! And we all need a hug every once in a while, and that's what we are here for!