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TOPIC: Getting married 316 Views

Getting married 19 Mar 2023 23:23 #393544

  • us
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Just wanted to share this and get other people’s views 

i have struggled for many years in the past with watching porn. 
bh the last few month I have been able to hold back. 

the problem is I’m getting married shortly and my future wife dose not see any issue with porn and would be more then happy for me to watch it. 

i have made it clear to her That any device in our future home would need to have a filter.
to which she was visibly upset and replied tearfully do I not trusted her. 

she dose not see why we would need filters and dose not like feeling restricted. 

I have tried explaining to her how bad porn is however she dose not understand. 

not that she watches it but dose not understand the issue. 

Re: Getting married 19 Mar 2023 23:34 #393546

  • frank.lee
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Firstly, Mazal Tov!!

"more than happy for you to watch it" does she know what p is? Why would she want you to watch it? What is her background on these inyanim?

Re: Getting married 19 Mar 2023 23:43 #393547

  • doingtshuva
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First mazel tov, Wishing you a happy marriage.
As a recovering porn addict I can share some experience, so you should have what to share with your future wife.
Porn is the biggest destroyer for love marriage and intimacy!
​Your wife hasn't yet watched porn, so she might not understand the problem with it.
You get so hooked up to porn that your future wife wont satisfy you. Your wife will become Nida every month, then comes pregnancy's, then birth's but porn is available 24/7.
Is she ready to act in the bedroom exactly how the porn stars act ? So why does she want you to watch porn?

​I would advice you to have separate devices and you put filters on your devices.
Not easy at all
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.

אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹחָנָן: אֵבֶר קָטָן יֵשׁ לוֹ לָאָדָם, מַרְעִיבוֹ — שָׂבֵעַ, מַשְׂבִּיעוֹ — רָעֵב

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Re: Getting married 21 Mar 2023 00:04 #393600

  • Eerie
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Great post, DT! So true, if your kalla would only see some of the posts here on GYE of how porn made people's marriages miserable, of how it created fantasies in men's minds that are totally unattainable, how it caused the focus to be the pleasure for oneself as opposed to connection, if she would only read how many women suffered from all the above, I think she would very quickly agree that your devices should be filtered. And I think you can explain this to her. You should tell her "I trust you fully. I really do. But I don't trust myself. And I want to be able to connect to you with all my heart and soul. I want to be able to be thinking just about how much you mean to me, how you are the focus of my life, how any time spent in your presence is precious to me. I want that to always be my focus, to be our focus. Yes, being together is very enjoyable, but the primary enjoyment is that I get to be so close to you. And the things that the screen has to offer will make me think only about pleasuring myself, about what I can get out of it, and that will negatively impact both of us, because it will get in the way of our deep connection. So please, understand that for us to remain always focused on each other, we need to filter our devices" 
Hatzlacha, and Mazal Tov! May you build a true bayis ne'eman b'yisroel, ne'eman l'Hashem U'liTorasoh
Feel free to say hi. My email is 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com

Re: Getting married 21 Mar 2023 03:07 #393610

Mazal tov for getting married.

I will start by saying this, P is a marriage and relationship killer! and not just any. It's the worst kind because it can be very subtle and silent.
Our brains are hard-wired (male brains in particular) to notice and learn visually and what P does that in-person intimate sexual connection with our partner doesnt do is it just gives us the chemical reaction of a high. P is missing the bonding aspect. Like any substance, we get hooked and no longer is our significant other appealing, appealing enough, as good as, and the list goes on because what we see on the screen our wives cannot and will not often match. 

Putting aside Halacha itself right now but if everything on the screen was done with your soon-to-be wife, it would always be preferable because the bonding element would take place and not just the chemical high.

Kudos to you for being open about it with her and taking steps to start something new correctly. 

If you want to speak more about it feel free to PM me 

Re: Getting married 21 Mar 2023 13:37 #393644

  • yacoba
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dear us 
mazel tov
some thoughts
glad your wife doesn't know the harm, seems she doesn't know what it really is!
2. don't get fooled that she will be ok with it once she gets to know what it is,
and 2'nd , once you get married and real life kicks in as "doing t" mentioned,
3. you have a long life ahead, many men struggle in intimate life, u don't need to add any externals.
4. if your question is whether you have the right to go forward with the filter mehalech,
my answer. yes.
deliver it nicely, politely, clearly  
MY POSTS COME FROM A, NON ADDICT, NICE GUY [ORDER BOY], and mostly meant for such.
and whom I'm trying to help.
Thank you.

Re: Getting married 21 Mar 2023 20:20 #393680

  • chancy
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Hi US,
Let me share a bit about myself, 
I have been addicted for a very long time before i got married and after as well. 
Every time i tried telling my wife that we need filter, she didnt understand as well. But i persisted and eventually we got the strongest filters and we both got rid of our smartphones. 
If you really want it and you will have BH a great marriage then you can explain it very nicely that it has nothing with trusting her, its just that a Yidishe home cannot be open to the dirtiest garbage in the world and it was asared by all the rabanim s it really has nothing to do with her And being a erlich yid requires sacrifices. 

Mazel tov and good luck

Re: Getting married 22 Mar 2023 02:45 #393691

  • pvibes
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Mazel tov on your upcoming marriage!

I want to point out that I don't think a porn-free life has anything to do with religion. We know the Torah's opinions on these matters. It's Assur. Fine. But why is there such a movement amongst non-Jews to break free from porn? Even those that aren't religious! The reality is that it affects us psychologically, not just spiritually. I'm not talking about Shmiras Habris, Shmiras Einayim or any of the other terminologies.

It's really about living a productive life, which for many can be difficult to accomplish with porn as a roadblock. You want to live a productive life and I would assume that she wants the same for you. Avodas Hashem, learning Torah and only watching appropriate content is all a part of that, but Shmiras Habris isn't the entire point, it's just one aspect of your desire to live a productive life. Maybe if you express it in that way it would resonate with her.

Wishing you much Hatzlacha!
Last Edit: 22 Mar 2023 02:46 by pvibes.

Re: Getting married 23 Mar 2023 10:57 #393785

  • excellence
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Dear us

pls pls pls speak to HHM. he is tremendous advice for people in your exact situation. michelgelner@gmail.com
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