Four days ago I came back from Yeshiva. I fell 10/10 hard. I listened to Rabbi Shraga Kallus "The Unspoken Betrayal of Marriage Part 1" and part 2 (MyTAT.me/v221069 and MyTAT.me/v220060) - and haven't done even a small aveira since! I don't even want to! You couldn't convince me if you tried! I really do feel like a different person! I am 21 now, and was completely clean between 14/15 and 18. Since 18, it has been an uphill battle, stronger than when I was 13. I feel now like I did in those years of freedom. I feel different. I can't explain it, but that shiur cured me. I haven't gone this long clean (4 days) for a very long time.
I still don't know why the shiur had such an impact. Pure speculation, could be completely wrong and would have made no difference: I spent the last month or two detoxing in yeshiva. I decided to leave my smartphone at home. (When I said above that I haven't gone this long being clean, I meant clean from the worst while I had access to a smartphone, which was basically every day until a month or two ago. I also haven't been clean from zera levatala this long either, even without a smartphone, so it is true even without this parenthetical statement, but just wanted to clarify.) The shiur talked about not wanting the aveira. It could be that the stark contrast of not being exposed and then intense exposure, and the breaking of habit involved in prolonged separation, both played factors in the intensity of the disdain and the impact of the shiur.  How much they did, not sure I'll ever know. I do think many people can experience the shiur the way I did and have the impact it did, but I recognize the uniqueness of my situation and that I may have "had different ears" than most.

Amazing! I hope you can keep this up for a very long time. 
If I may add, please don't become complacent; "I'm already in a good place, I don't need to be vigilant anymore". COMPLACENCY IS THE BEGINNING OF YOUR LAST CLEAN DAY. While this day can sometimes last a while, if we're complacent, it's just a matter of time before we get caught off guard.
Stay strong.

@cubing I read your post and I was a bit confused as to what you mean by “cured”? Are you saying that you believe you no longer are at risk of falling to temptation? If I understand correctly you are clean for 4 days which is awesome. What are you doing to ensure that this feeling and determination remains with you permanently?

cubingbachur441 wrote on 24 Feb 2023 13:56:

Is this real?

Four days ago I came back from Yeshiva. I fell 10/10 hard. I listened to Rabbi Shraga Kallus "The Unspoken Betrayal of Marriage Part 1" and part 2 (MyTAT.me/v221069 and MyTAT.me/v220060) - and haven't done even a small aveira since! I don't even want to! You couldn't convince me if you tried! I really do feel like a different person! I am 21 now, and was completely clean between 14/15 and 18. Since 18, it has been an uphill battle, stronger than when I was 13. I feel now like I did in those years of freedom. I feel different. I can't explain it, but that shiur cured me. I haven't gone this long clean (4 days) for a very long time.


I still don't know why the shiur had such an impact. Pure speculation, could be completely wrong and would have made no difference: I spent the last month or two detoxing in yeshiva. I decided to leave my smartphone at home. (When I said above that I haven't gone this long being clean, I meant clean from the worst while I had access to a smartphone, which was basically every day until a month or two ago. I also haven't been clean from zera levatala this long either, even without a smartphone, so it is true even without this parenthetical statement, but just wanted to clarify.) The shiur talked about not wanting the aveira. It could be that the stark contrast of not being exposed and then intense exposure, and the breaking of habit involved in prolonged separation, both played factors in the intensity of the disdain and the impact of the shiur.  How much they did, not sure I'll ever know. I do think many people can experience the shiur the way I did and have the impact it did, but I recognize the uniqueness of my situation and that I may have "had different ears" than most.Welcome! Great to hear from someone interested in getting better!


PLEASE NOTE: I don't mean to dash your hopes, but there's a concept of "Kiboloi Kach Poiltoi", meaning that removing something (For example, Kashering) is done the same way it gets in. For one who has struggled and fallen for a long time, there are no shortcuts to get cured in a day or a week. Because this isn't a challenge that was built in a day or a week. It takes some time. And hopefully this is the beginning of a long and happy clean streak of Avoidas Hashem for you. But please understand that if you don't take steps to keep up the growth process, there can be no happily ever after. I cried many Yom Kippurs, and I thought I never wanted it again. How long did that last?  And really, truthfully, the Heilege Amoraim knew the damage and lowliness of giving in much more than we did, and yet they still wrote "Ain Apotropus L'Arayos."

Still clean 34 days later! It really was a real change. I am very vigilant, and don't look at even the slightest things I shouldn't. I still struggle with thoughts and Keri, but on shabbos I had a thought that brought to Keri, and I screamed "Get out of my head!" at the yetzer harah and then woke up. I had struggles over these past 34 days, but either I got stronger or the yetzer harah got weaker, because I was able to win every single time and not give in. I remembered that I had honestly told Hashem shortly before I heard that shiur that I don't want the yetzer harah anymore. I just wanted to serve Hashem out of taharah, and that the yetzer harah was ruining my life. Yom kippur was also pretty powerful, and giving up the smartphone was a huge sacrifice. I also immersed myself in Torah in yeshiva. I davened very sincerely that Hashem take away the yetzer harah, and shortly afterwards I heard the shiur. I have taken the steps in my life to make sure I stay clean, and I think this will really last. I can't tell you in words how happy I have been. I can finally live! It has simply been a dream come true. I spent so many years hoping to get here, and I finally am! I could go on and on. As I said, words cannot describe the experience of being free. I can hear all of the shiurim about breaking free from the yetzer harah from the "other side of the fence" - it is incredible. Shiurim where I used to feel upset at myself when hearing, I now feel elated and proud. It is an incredible experience. No way I am ever turning back. I need to get rid of the thoughts, but that is getting better. Any advice is welcomed.

Thank you for this!

Congragulations,
This is a major step and accomplishment.
Welcome to the next stage of the battle. Take this from someone who at one point as a bochur had zera levatalah every night and then has been clean for even a year and still did not get rid of the yezter harah (me).
We have to constantly be on guard. The yetzer hara never sleeps. The thoughts may never stop. 
If you find this depressing see Tanya Chapter 35
https://www.chabad.org/library/tanya/tanya_cdo/aid/7914/jewish/Chapter-35.htm

וְגַם לְהָבִין מְעַט מִזְּעֵיר תַּכְלִית בְּרִיאַת הַבֵּינוֹנִים

וִירִידַת נִשְׁמוֹתֵיהֶם לָעוֹלָם הַזֶּה, לְהִתְלַבֵּשׁ בַּנֶּפֶשׁ הַבַּהֲמִית שֶׁמֵּהַקְּלִיפָּה וְסִטְרָא אָחֳרָא,
מֵאַחַר שֶׁלֹּא יוּכְלוּ לְשַׁלְּחָהּ כָּל יְמֵיהֶם, וְלִדְחוֹתָהּ מִמְּקוֹמָהּ מֵחָלָל הַשְּׂמָאלִי שֶׁבַּלֵּב
שֶׁלֹּא יַעֲלוּ מִמֶּנָּה הִרְהוּרִים אֶל הַמֹּחַ,‏?וְאִם כֵּן, לָמָּה זֶּה יָרְדוּ נִשְׁמוֹתֵיהֶם לָעוֹלָם הַזֶּה לִיגַע לָרִיק חַס וְשָׁלוֹם, לְהִלָּחֵם כָּל יְמֵיהֶם עִם הַיֵּצֶר, וְלֹא יָכְלוּ לוֹ

Sounds amazing. You said that any advice is welcome so I will suggest something. If the goal is to be free of the yetzer hara it might feel like you have already accomplished this. The real goal however is to continue to develop a stronger relationship with hashem. Don’t stop. Keep looking for ways to make the relationship even better. This does not at all take away, even one iota of the tremendous accomplishment that you already have. It just keeps things in perspective so that you can continue growing and moving higher. If you do that, chances are that you will never look back.

Hi there, and congrats on 34 days! thats a whole bunch bli ayin hara.

i connect with the point that many are making, that you can never loosen your guard, and never let yourself be convinced that the fight is over. although your confidence and shtarkait are very impressive.
my advise would be to use this hisoirerus to set yourself more gedarim. the power of a geder you make while you're feeling strong is tremendous. its made with conviction and with a firm belief that it will be kept, and therefore becomes a stronger force and stronger geder, harder to be broken by a difficult nisayon.
the challenge is that its uncomfotable thinking about and planning for a fall when you're at such a high place, and you truly believe you'll never need gedarim. but as jackthejew pointed out, chazal teach us ein aputrupos l'arayos.

wishing you true success to continue your current streak till moshiach's coming!

I love the shiur didnt listen to the whole thing...But i have one comment on it - rabbi kallus mentioned that anybody that has unfiltered device 100% watched porn....
I just wanna know - the mishna says there is kinaa taava and kavod...
I honestly believe that there are those that these things dont dawn onthem at all