simchastorah wrote on 27 Feb 2023 05:20:

The "Bais Aharon" writes that the strongest way to overcome the Yetzer Hara and bad habits it to internalize how important and special every small thing we do is.  
חשבתי דרכי ואשיבה רגלי אל עדתיך   -   Chishavti drachai ve-ashiva raglai el eidosecha
Chishavti  can also mean "chashivus" , if a person is machshiv his ways, then "ve-ashiva raglai" raglai can mean habits (regilus) - I'll be able to bring back my bad habits the the correct ways. 

We must remember that because the battle is so hard, each bit of effort is so valuable לפום צערא אגרא . Even if we don’t succeed, each second we try and every time we push back against the yetzer hara is phenomenal in itself. When we push on even though we don’t see success, Hashem beams with pride (if it could be). He is so excited for us because we are accomplishing acts of greatness, and He will hold us high for all eternity!

The lower we have fallen, the higher we can reach. We should never be discouraged by where we are holding or think it is too late. We shouldn’t think of ourselves as lowly sinners, doomed to bear our scars and be inferior forever. Rather, we should be excited about our opportunity, because we can reach much higher than those who haven’t fallen and don’t experience the challenges we face.

I'm having an urge this morning, not so much for P, b'h having accountability is helping with that (though techinically there is a complicated way I could have access, though i won't share it here so as not to give anyone ideas) more for M.

I'm trying to figure out what's going on inside that's causing me to have this urge. I could just pin it on normal male physiology, but I don't think that's it. There's been a lot of instability in my family in the last couple of weeks, so I definitely feel some deep discomfort surrounding that. Additionally I feel that there's some dissatisifaction with me at work, and honestly it's not completely unwarrented. Though I think that I'm generally a very good worker and a valuable employee, there is something that I've kind of dropped the ball on, not for lack of wanting to get it done, but more because it's a long lived project, with little supervision, and I have many trying things going on in my life.

But when I feel that people are not happy with me, it mamash gets me to my core. It hurts me so much, and I want so badly to escape that hurt. So I turn to fantasy land, and immersive physical feelings to get away from it. I hope writing about this will help me to face the  feelings head on instead of jumping through a disgusting escape hatch. (For those of you who have seen Shawshank Redemption, where he escapes prison through a long long tunnel of feces, over there at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel. But this feces filled escape hatch doesn't end with a light, it just ends with smellier feces)

I will overcome this urge with Hashem's help. I won't turn to this unhealthy and unclean behaviour to escape my feelings. And through overcoming this challenge (this one mamash, now, today) i will have something to feel good about myself for. And then I can face the feelings and say just because someone is not so happy with you right now doesn't mean your worthless.

Writing this public journal I see that a big theme in my inner life is a feeling of worthlessness. I guess from a YH perspective it could be seen as the YH's most effective tactic against me. I think overcoming it will bring me a long way in the fight agains tumah. Though I'm sure the  YH will find other strategies to try and trip me up about it then too, so I shouldn't fool myself into thinking that overcoming this particular thing is winning the war. The war is never ending. But this is the battlefield for me right now. 

GYE is such an amazing place. I have never seen such a concentration of people being so real with themselves, and so encouraging of others. I find it fascinating that in this place where people come to contend with the lowliest thing is where you find the most refined behavior. The  attitudes of people on this site are better than what I've seen in the most 'elevated' places. G-d bless all of you

Excellent points in your post. Once you develop this awareness of what is driving you it is much easier to prepare replacement reactions so that you don’t turn to unhealthy behaviors to make yourself feel better. This in turn will help not only to remove the feeling of worthlessness, but to replace that feeling to one of greatness and accomplishment.

You are amazingly in touch with your feelings. There are lots of people that go thru 120 years of bitterness and pain without having a clue what’s going on and blaming everyone else. 
you found out a very important function and human need, that is to feel worthy, loved, someone that matters, it’s ingrained into all of us, I won’t go in deeper now. And when that condition is not met, we feel pain, some more then others, and some people will go to great lengths not to feel that pain, some do drugs, alcohol and some do this drug called arousal. So you can now start digging deeper into yourself. Why do you feel like people think lowly of you? Is it real, or are you overdramatizing? If it’s real, is there something you can fix? 
or you can go deeper, why is it so important to you? I understand that you need and want to feel good about yourself, but you can feel good about yourself without thinking what others think of you, because all of us are innately good and we all have great things about our self’s, and I’m sure you have lots of people that do love you, so why focus on the ones that don’t? 
the point is, once you have figured out what’s causing you to turn to shmutz, you can start thinking how to heal that part.

good luck and keep on growing!

It's been a tiring day. It was a good day b'h, but I really struggled with taava. Not while I was in a matzav that anything could happen b'poal, just riding on the bus.

It was like every semi attractive female that i passed was just so intriguing, and I had such an urge to look at them and think about them. I was able to resist mostly, but inside I feel exhausted from it, and I have a nagging voice telling me that I can't last forever, and that eventually I'll fall, and when I do the combined desires of whatever tkufa I'll have managed to stay clean will burst forth and make me fall again and again. And thinking this way I feel like a failure already. And I know this is atzas hayetzer. But what can I say? My yetzer has a lot of practice being a baal eitzah.

I tried doing the urge surfing technique and I did find it somewhat helpful. I saw in a post from HHM that once you realize that there's no real need to ejaculate you feel a real menuchas hanefesh. I would love to have that clarity. To have clear that there's no need to ejaculate, there's no need to have 'relief', that sounds so wonderful. That sounds like such a freeing feeling. 

'Oy li m'yotzri, oy li m'yitzri'. The shackles of this yetzer hara just feel so heavy sometimes. It feels good to get it out in this way, writing on the forum I mean. I kind of feel like I just want to scream. I want to be free. I want to know that the yetzer doesn't have any real power. But I've spent years teaching myself over and over that the yetzer does have power, and it's hard to unlearn a message that you've spent so long learning. 

How long can I go on like this? That's how I feel right now. My heart aches and I fear the darkness where I was a few weeks ago. Hashem please please help me to overcome this thing. Please I'm begging you. Give me strength. I need that clarity that the yetzer can't make me do anything. I need the clarity that my real ratzon is to be a holy Jew, and anything that I feel otherwise is a foreign party encroaching on my thoughts.

This is my meditation then. I am a holy Jew. I am a ben Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov. Maybe they would even be proud of me. I'm welling up with tears at that thought. And these thoughts and desires are not me. They are not me, and I don't have to listen to them. I am part of the Am S'gulah. Hashem loves me and has a mission for me. With Hashem's help I can rise above this.

And the ever present YH already attacks me. As I write this he says, "don't say that. If you do, then when you fall you'll look like even more of a clown. Get off your high horse. Stop being dramatic. You'll fall in the end, and you'll look like such an idiot. Oh here's the guy who thinks he's a ben A,Y and Y. Here's the holy am sgula guy. No you're not. You're the guy who can't stop himself from watching porn."

I hope this doesn't bring anyone down. (if anyone's still reading). Maybe someone will find their own yetzer in the words of mine and realize that he's the clown. But either way that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing to get clarity. What do I tell the yetzer? How do I fight him. It seems like every path I take he's already two steps ahead of me

Beautiful post!

Oi Reb ST!

First of all Why Oi Li Meyoitzri? Hashem Is taking immense pleasure from you strength and your willingness to fight!!! 
I can sti here till tomorrow quoting all the sources that am aware of that talk about the amount of joy a yid makes in the heavens and the earth when he fights his YH, especially when something is desirable! times infinity plus for people like us who tasted the pleasure not once and not twice and not hundred times!!!!
Read the Kdushes Levy on Purim to start.... I believe this with all ive got. Because this what ALL holy Tzadikkim have said and it says in the G'mara. So dont say "Oi Li Miyoitzri" Your Creator is Extremelly proud of you and he is showing off to his Angles saying "You didnt understnad why I needed to create Men on this lowly earth, THIS IS WHY! You Angles cant give me such satisfaction as this guy Simches Torah does!  Thats number 1.
Number 2. Why does you let your YH talk to you  like that? Give him a kick where it hurts and tell him to go find someone else to bother! 
Whats this about "How long can i keep this up?" There is no limit, it doesn't get harder, its a false anxiety that we have in the beginning, that eventually itll become too much and youll give in, The only reason that could  happen is if you keep letting the YH in bit by bit and then it gets too much, but you can still win then too. But as long as you stay focused on the goal which is to stay holy and not get dragged into the sewer, you can do this for your whole life, sometimes its harder then others and then sometimes you will have no desires at all! 
So take a chill pill and breath easily. Hashem is with YOU! And you dont have to do anything, just dont give up and let the YH use you as his servant.

thanks buddy

chancy wrote on 01 Mar 2023 18:22:

Maskim. If you'd like a Litfishe source, Reb Shlomo Hoffman said in a Va'ad, "I don't know why so many people make a point of scaring Bochurim with all the Zohars about Kedusha, and no one mentions the Gra (Brought in the back of the Nefesh Hachaim pg. 438) that says anyone who is Maamik B'Torah doesn't need to worry about punishments because the Toirah fixes it all up.

The Oi I'm feeling at the moment is more the oi li m'yitzri side of things

There is a segula brought down by many tzdikim that when you feel the YH is making you crazy with desires, you think of a goy that you know and you say " YH go away from me and go drive that goy crazy instead" I think you have to say Haknani V;hachiti V'haprizi etc with it. NOt sure right now. 
Maybe you can look it up. The Tzetel Kuten mentions saying this pAsuk loud and oterhs say that afterwards you can say where you want the YH to go. It has worked for me in the past. 

I would second chancy's suggestion about not letting the YH talk to you that way. His biggest trick is engaging you in conversation. Maybe we dont even have to answer! If someone comes to me and says "it looks like the sun is shining but its not" , i could bring him a bunch of reasons why it is. Then he'll bring double that amount proving that the sun is not shining etc etc..
Eventually  i would say to him "you're not worth my time" and walk away because I know the sun is shining i dont care about all his arguments.
It could be the same thing here, we dont need to respond to what the YH says. He comes and says "hey you're gonna fall anyway etc.." but you know that the ikar is this moment. If you respond to his attack, he'll attack more. Just say "oh yeah?" and walk away from him (easier said than done). We don't negotiate with terrorists. 

Something is hidden for guests. Please log in or register to see it.

Something is hidden for guests. Please log in or register to see it.

why is that last post all yellow? is it visible?

simchastorah wrote on 01 Mar 2023 21:29:

It's a SIman that even though you might feel a little yellow, we can still see the Tziddkus in what you post!
Man, am I getting cheesy in my young age. #MarbimB'simchah!