Last night I had a wet dream. This is a good sign as I've seen from HHM, and also I know that it only happens when my body is not regularly cycling through things.

In my half dream state, or even in my dream, I don't really know which, I felt terrible, like I had broken my streak. Once I woke up I realized that I hadn't masturbated and all was well. I had a very similar experience quitting smoking, for years I would have fairly regular dreams that I had slipped and started smoking again. It still happens occasionally now, six years later.

I think I should take this opportunity to relate healthily to slipping. Even though I didn't actually slip, I did go through the emotional process of feeling like I slipped, and I did come down on myself quite hard. I have to remind myself, it's ok, it's not about the streak. It's about not confusing my yetzer hara for my self.And I can do that even if I did have a fall. I can still say, yes, my yetzer hara got me that time. Nice going yetzer hara, you did your job like a charm. But I also have a job.

Rashi says that we have to learn a kal v'chomer from the earth, even though it's not m'kabel schar it still always functions according to the emes of what it is (loosely paraphrasing). Maybe we could make a similar kal v'chomer from the yetzer. If the yetzer, whos end is to have his head chopped off, is so consistent in doing what Hashem wants from him, us al achas kama v'kama.

I wasn't sure if to post about this whole thing. I actually composed it as an email to Eerie. But I realized that maybe it could give chizuk to others, so I'm throwing my embaressment aside and sharing it.

simchastorah wrote on 23 Feb 2023 06:28:

Thank you for sharing.
I had my own fair share of wet dreams and have had similar feelings.
main thing is to move on and not be obsessed about it.
Wishing you continued success!

Hi! Just giving you a disclaimer: I have an addiction to sex so what I’m saying might not be nogah you. 
Yes יחוד or not יחוד don’t be in the house with an attractive cleaning lady!!! I just WONT trust myself… agav you should ask a rav it’s very possibly it is a אסיר יחוד.
hatzlachah!

I agree with Geshmak on this. for some reason i have a huge problem when it coems to cleaning ladies, dont know why dont care. I just know that i thank god that my cleaning lady is the furthest away from attractive BH. I dont need to have struggles in my own house...

chancy wrote on 23 Feb 2023 20:38:

Coming soon on GYE... The ugly cleaning lady service

A giten Rabbi Simches Torah (Oh how I love that day!) 
I would like to give you a bit of insight that might help you see your struggle from a different perspective. 
1. I see from your original post that you are in a lot of pain, I feel your pain and im sorry for what  you are going thru, May Hashem help you and your wife speedily, in the  meanwhile, the reason that we "deal" with these situations with P* and M* is because the brain knows that everyone needs and wants to feel "good" thats natural and healthy, so when the brain sees that you are in pain, it tells you to go find some pleasure asap, and unfurtuantly once we feel the pleasure of S* and the others we crave that pleasure and since its so easy to get that pleasure, we get addicted to it meaning, the brain developed a pattern that when you feel sad/pained/depressed/angry etc. You need the drug called sex and that will help for a bit, so you get aroused by every little thing, and on and on. The more and the longer you do this, the more brain waves and brain patterns get created reinforcing this idea (sex is good, pain is bad, get sex feel good, forget the pain) and you get stuck in a never ending whirlpool......
The only way to get out of it, is
1.  to stop giving the brain more ammunition, first by stopping to watch porn so the inflow of more poison stops and your brain starts to forget some of
it, then  
2. to stop following the orders of the brain, since you know the its only doing what it thinks makes you feel good, and you are smarter and you know that it doesnt make you feel good at all only for a few moments and then you feel worse, so then you know that this brain pattern is wrong! And the more times you stop yourself from just going down that road, the easier and faster will it be for you to get out of the whirlpool!!! your brain will stop creating these auto responses to pain and you can then rewire it to what you want. 

The main thing is that you need to understand this is all normal, you are healthy, your brain wants to make you feel good, you know better then it, so you stop giving in and slowly your brain will learn. 

There is more to discuss if you want to hear. 

maybe they could at least provide complimentary brown bags

Thank you for your clarity. I saw a post of yours regarding the difference between 'urge surfing' and 'diffusion' (i think) and found that to be helpful as well. Any more clarifications from you would be very welcome

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I'm a bochur so I can't fully relate, and I don't know if it's my place to respond, but I'll give it a shot.

From what I hear around here is that real sex is about giving and creating an intimate bond with your wife. Lust is about indulging yourself in your own wants and fantasies.
When the YH comes to you now, he's trying to get you to lust, and that is the complete opposite of sex. While it's true that you may be with your wife soon, and it may be a permitted way to release your sexual energy, that still doesn't open the door to lust, which you're trying to stop.

I don't know if this helps, but maybe if you focus on the fact the YH is telling you to lust just because the door to sex is open, but it's not the same thing, it'll help. Hatzlocha!

There is truth to what you're saying. However, the YH is definitely involved in the intimate act, even when it's done l'shem shamayim.
Even with spending time contemplating and meditating on the correct perspectives towards intimacy, the YH still has a tremendous foothold. 

But I don't want to take away from the fact that you could be right about the m'halach, I just haven't been matzliach with that yet

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YH: You're a nobody, you've only been clean for 21 days
Me: Even when I fall for your garbage I'm not a nobody, I'm a chelek eloka mimaal, with a little mud on top. Kol she'ken every moment that I'm fighting and not handing over the reigns to you, you jerk
YH: You don't really believe that
Me: ___________

(what do i tell him? he's right to a degree on this one. there's definitely something missing from my confidence that i'm a chelek eloka mimaal)

Me: I'm not nothing! I'm not a nobody! I can beat you, like all of the choshuva people on GYE who struggled so hard and overcame you, by banding together and opening up! I'll do what they did, and together we'll overcome you!

YH: You can't keep this up forever....
Me: I don't need to. I just need to keep focused right now. I'll deal with later later. You make it seem like I have to beat you for all time right now, like the mountain they show r'shaim. But really I only have to beat you right now. And right now, you are a spider web, you have no teeth, you're weak, you're nothing, you're a faker, you're a liar, you're my enemy, you're the bandit with no legs