simchastorah wrote on 14 Mar 2023 07:49:
I'm having an urge right now. For everything, P, M, and fantasy. I called my GYE partner but he didn't pick up. So next best thing, I'll write out my internal experience to try and find clarity and hope and the 'seam' between myself and my desire. Then maybe I'll do one of the mindfullness meditations supplied by GYE may Hashem bless them.
Where is this coming from? Firstly I am a man, and this is part of the male condition. Sometimes we have desires for sex. Big deal. Secondly, I have seen tons of porn, spent tons of time fantasizing in my life, watched plenty of innappropriate movies, read plenty of innappropriate books. So there's all sorts of garbage swimming around inside me which sometimes comes to the surface. This makes sense.
But there's more. I'm feeling sad right now. Why am I feeling sad? Maybe because it's a little rainy. The rain puts everyone into their little box, separated by the walls of water, and this reminds me of the deep loneliness I felt as a child. So I ache inside, and something from deep within cries out for connection, to not be alone. And I think oh perfect! I know how I could not be alone! I could imagine that I'm with a beautiful woman who loves me and wants me!
Oy SimchasTorah. What a scam. I'm sorry buddy, but nebach you will only feel more alone afterwards. You will only feel more sad. I'm sorry you felt so lonely as a child. Hashem should help you to one day move past it, b'mhera. Unforunately fantasy land is not going to help you. I wish there were a solution as simple as that, but there isn't. So please don't hurt yourself with this tempting thing. I promise you it won't make things better. Hang in there and it will pass.
This thing inside you that tells you the solution is fantasy, that it would be so sweet, that it would make you such a prince, he's lying.
I think there's maybe two parts to the inner 'belief' that fantasy will make me feel the connection I crave: 1 - the yetzer hara, who sits in a very deep throne, 2 - my poor inner gullible self, who remains convinced by the yetzer's deceipt, and has so much trouble learning the truth.
To the yetzer hara I say, you're a liar, you're a snake, and I don't have to listen to you. But to my inner self, who has for so long bought into the yetzer's deceptive advice I need kinder words.
SimchasTorah, I really wish you could have that thing that you want. Of course you want it my sweet friend, everyone wants connection. And its hard and scary for you to hear this, but the truth is you have connection. Gone are the days of trauma when you really were alone. That's over. Look around you. Look, your wife loves you. You have friends who love you. You love your kids and they love you too. You can come out from your dark hiding space into the light. You can spit out this poisonous pacifier. It's part of what's making it so hard for you to hear that real connection is possible. You don't need this thing anymore. You're not alone. Tell me the words of your sadness and I will comfort you.
Woooooffff…… this is incredible and amazing to see how you took the urge and cut it into tiny pieces…!! I loved it!
On the GYE phone line, they have a section of how to deal with an urge, and this kind of technique is called “urge surfing”, mamesh like you did. They call it “out of the box technique”
thanks for sharing!
