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Getting started again
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Getting started again 2291 Views

Getting started again 20 Mar 2009 01:04 #3904

  • poshut yid
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My friends, it has been way too long since I have been on the site and gotten chizuk from everyone. Now I am desperate to rid myself of this Machalah! As some of you know, I started this journey back in December and did really well for a while. I was succesful for 32 days and then the yetzer got me. Since then I have had many ups and downs. My longest stint was for 12 days and a few 7 day periods of abstinence. Sprinkled in with that I have had weeks that I have been nichshal almost daily. B'H I am only dealing with being mashkiv zera and pornography. I have done worse stuff in the past so at least on a positive note I have not done anymore of that. But now, I have to beat this, it is DESTROYING my life both spiritually, financially and empotionally. I am spending hours a day glued to the computer. I need HELP!!! I am commiting today to go a full week without any p... or SH"Z!
I have tried many times in the past to quit and alas, this problem has been with me for 22 years. I am speaking with Michelle weekly and will also be seeing an addictions doctor.
I need your help to give me chizuk and help me overcome this. The 32 days I was clean were the best days I have felt for a long time. I really felt alive.. I felt spiritually connected to HKB"HU.
If there is someone out there who can be an accountability partner that I can call once a day please can you send me an email to needtikkun@gmail.com.
Tomorrrow will be day 1 and I daven that Shabbos will help me be mechazek the foundation. I have also installled K9 and have to set up the filter properly so I can access the websites I need for work and then I will get rid of the password.
Thank you for listening.
Poshut Yid
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Re: Getting started again 20 Mar 2009 08:06 #3905

  • Ykv_schwartz
Poshut Yid,
We are so HAPPY to have you back here with us.  We need all the warriors we can get.  The menuval is too strong to conquer with one person.  we need to all work together and each individually do our part.  I continue to daven for you at the kosel even though you have not been here.  I care for you and I want to see you succeed as I know Hashem wants you to succeed.

You should realize the tremendous zechus that you have just by making the decision to get back up.

The Rokeach writes (brought down by the tahara hakodesh) that when a person decides to do teshuvah he immediately  ascends to heaven and stands before the throne of glory. 

Now I am not sure if this means that a person gets to remain there or not (my hunch is not.  Only through teshuvah shleima can he get back there.), but you should realize now is the time to convince yourself you can do it with the help of Hashem and daven to him with all your might.  Believe me when I tell you that with strong conviction, belief in yourself and belief that only hashem controls you, you can actually remove the desires from your midst.  But daven daven daven.  Daven strong to hashem to remove the menuval from your heart.  And if the menuval should ever visit you again, you should have the strength to banish him.  And only Hashem can give you that strength.  If you can cry while davening, even better.  For every tear that stems from ahavas hashem you can counter another wasted seed.  Bet let your heart  open up.  The yetzer hara causes our heart to close up.  You need to push it open.  and you can.  Let your neshama express itself in your body.  Tehillim is a great way to express the neshama within you.  But for starters, being that shabbos is coming and shabbos is a special time to connect to hashem, I would like to offer advice in this realm related to shabbos.  It is most appropriate at this time to recite with a soul stirring nigun the zemer tzama nafshi.  You will see that when recited with properly following the words tears will come.  It feels so good to desire hashem.  If you need more guidance on how to do this, please PM me.  You can be in touch with me on a constant basis.  Ask me questions.  We are all here to help and help we will give. But it is precisely at this time that you are able to work on connecting to hashem.  Do not lose the opportunity.

Upon the day that you express a strong will and commitment to change and believe that you can do it with the help of Hashem all the evil in the world that tries to rein over you will be frightened.  It will run away.  A true Baal teshuva can actually feel this.  But this is also brought down in the seforim.

Now I would like to offer another piece of small advice.   If you feel the above words are too lofty for you or that you do not feel ready for this sort of avodah please at least listen to the following words.  B"H, I see that you have hooked up with therapists who can assist in making a plan as to how to free yourself.  And so you are in good hands and I am sure you will become successful through that hishtadlus.  This is obviously crucial for growth.  I say this only to prevent a confusion that what I am about to say is NOT INSTEAD of what you are doing.  It is On Top of what you are doing. 

When a person begins freeing himself he becomes spiritually free.  It is worthwhile to take advantage of this new spirituality and begin growing in avodas hashem.  How does one do this?  take Baby Steps.  Begin with small things in your life that make a big difference.  Like, coming to shul on time.  Having kavana on the first pasuk of krias shema.  Buy your wife a present (I do not know if you are married, this is just an example of what I did) and begin showing more love.  Even if you have been a loving husband until now, become more loving.  Show more love.  Write her a love letter.  Write her a chizuk letter if she had even a small challenge in her day.  Show her that you care.  Show her that you love her and why you love her so dearly.  Show love to your kids by talking to them more and showing them that you care for them.  Show love to your friends.

The idea is not to make yourself overwhelmed with new obligations that you threw upon yourself that you cannot keep up.  The idea is to begin growing in areas that you could not properly grow because the menuval has closed your heart.   You know what your soul needs.  So provide that nourishment for your soul.  [By the way one of the greatest nourishmentf or the soul is by providing it with the oppurtunity to express love.  But not for now] But these new additions should be easy to do and should have a major impact on creating the NEW YID within yourself. 

The seforim hakedoshim tell us that a real PASHUT YID means that he is clean from aveiros.  I have no doubt that with the engine that you just started, your teshuva will take you to high levels and you will in fact become a PASHUT YID.  PASHUT from all  blemishes. 

You should be zoche my dear friend to desire nothing in life but coming close to Hashem.  Tzama nafshi l'kel chai.
Last Edit: 20 Mar 2009 08:19 by .

Re: Getting started again 20 Mar 2009 12:41 #3907

  • the.guard
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Dear Poshut-Yid,

I think Hashem arranged things that today's Chizuk e-mail (#435) should be written for you! He writes there about hitting bottom and seeking and help, and I think that you are in that very situation now yourself. You are speaking with Michelle and will be seeing an addiction doctor soon. Make sure he fits the descriptions of today's e-mail. I am sure that you will start to see success in the merit of these important steps and in the merit of your determination.

For good advice on how to protect yourself best with K9, see this page.

As far as an accountability partner, you sent us your file a while ago and we tried to set you up with one or two people. Did it not work out in the end?

Also, as I'm sure you know, there's a whole list of tools on our website's home-page.
- Do you join a 12-Step group? This could ultimately be your best bet.
- You might want to try and speak to Rav Ya'ir Shochat in Israel on our new Israeli hot-line...
- Read through past Chizuk e-mails / tips on our site when feeling weak.
- Use vows in a SMART and SAFE way - see here. For example, did you ever try making a vow for a month (or less at first) to go for a ten minute walk before giving in? These type of vows are VERY powerful tools, and they are not so hard to keep that you would be afraid that you won't be able to keep them.

Now for some Chizuk, dear yid:

The 32 days you were clean - and all other times as well - are yours forever, they will never be lost even if you fall, and it is these little "tryings" that you keep doing will add up and ultimately give you the strength to learn full control. 1) You have to believe that with enough effort you will succeed. 2) And you have to always keep happy with the little successes you have. These two secrets are the recipe for ultimate success.

Imagine how many thousands of times you said "no" to your Yetzer Hara in the past. This should give you Simcha. You may keep falling, but you still have the upper hand.

It is brought down in the sefer, menucha v'kedusha, written by a talmid of R' Chaim Volozhin, that a person who sins his whole life can still be considered a zaddik, as long as he never gives up and always continues to fight. We like to think of success in terms of results.  But we know Hashem looks at our efforts. 

One of the most important yesodos in this struggle is NOT to get DOWN on yourself. This leads to a downward spiral. Feel regret, but not sadness. How can you tell the difference? Listen to this 5 minute audio clip from a Shiur by Rabbi Shafier.

Also, read Chizuk e-mail 296 and 297 on this page (scroll down).

We are honored to have you on our forum, fighting along side us all to give Hashem pleasure. The fact you keep coming back shows that you have a strong Ratzon. Keep trying, davening and being happy, and you WILL ultimately succeed!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Getting started again 24 Mar 2009 04:01 #4006

  • poshut yid
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I just wanted to say that I had a great day. I went to a shiur in the morning and davened properly. I stayed off of any bad sights and made sure the filter I installed does not me go anywhere i shouldnt go. I am a little nervous to get rid of the password in case I cant get onto sites i need for work.
I am not perfect, my eyes wondered a little on the streets and at the gym but all in all I feel it was a positive day.That completes day 4!
P.Y.
Last Edit: by surie133.

Re: Getting started again 24 Mar 2009 14:24 #4014

  • the.guard
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Complete control of your eyes on the street can take a long time. Don't let it get you down. Every time you turn away, you are adding another brick to your eventual success.

As far as keeping the password, that is not advisable at all. You say you might need some sites for work, but there are solutions to this problem. See this page. I would be more than happy to help you in this if you want.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Getting started again 24 Mar 2009 20:09 #4042

  • Ykv_schwartz
Glad to hear the positives.  Keep it up and keep us posted.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Getting started again 25 Mar 2009 15:00 #4063

  • poshut yid
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Good Morning Rabbosai
I wanted to let you know that Bli Ayin Hora we are holding at day 6. I am seeing an addictions doctor today and hopefully that will be helpful. B"H I have not experienced any tremendous nissyonos but I know they will come. I need a sponsor and someone that I can be accountable to. Can anyone give me suggestions.
P.Y.
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Re: Getting started again 25 Mar 2009 22:29 #4128

  • the.guard
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It's good you're seeing a therapist. Kol Hakavod. Please share with us the things you learn...

For a partner/sponsor - post on this section of our forum...

BTW, didn't I once try hooking you up with a partner (Chazak) when you sent me the questionaire? What happened with that?


Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: Getting started again 26 Mar 2009 17:22 #4151

  • poshut yid
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I am pleased to report that today is day 7 and B"H so far so good. No real nissyonos. I am sure they will come and I am trying to prepare myself for that battle whenever it may happen. I have installed K9 and set it at the highest level of protection. Additionally I emaied the password to someone so I no longer have it and don't know what it is. I have signed up to try find a partner/sponsor.
Wish me luck!!
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Re: Getting started again 26 Mar 2009 19:09 #4155

  • jack
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dont prepare so much. just think about today.
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Re: Getting started again 26 Mar 2009 20:48 #4158

  • Ykv_schwartz
jack wrote on 26 Mar 2009 19:09:

dont prepare so much. just think about today.

I think we should prepare.  I have reached 50 days now and I have no urges.  But yet I still prepare myself.  If Chas V'Shalom he would visit again, I prepare myself what I would do.  Jack, when a person has major urges and he is constantly fighting his yetzer hara, then the correct approach is take on day at a time.  The reason is because people get overwhelmed.  And if someone is struggling and realizes he has so much to go he gives up. So we tell him to take one day at a time.  But during these precious days for my dear friend, poshut_yid, he has no urges.  It is then that a person has the opposite feeling.  He almost cannot imagine ever having urges again.  The yetzer hara then ambushes his victim in these confident times. So the correct thing to do is prepare oneself.  But I think everyone is different and this needs to be personalized.  If anyone disagrees, I ask of you to please email me instead of posting on poshut_yids thread.  I think it will be more beneficial.

I am watching my dear friend, poshut_yid take these baby steps.  He clearly wants it.  And you will get it. Begin beseeching Hashem. 
Last Edit: 26 Mar 2009 22:08 by .

Re: Getting started again 27 Mar 2009 13:09 #4187

  • Binyomin5766
Perhaps the war metaphor will serve us again here.

When one is directly engaged in battle with the enemy, one doesn't have time to think about tomorrow's strategies and attack plans.  One is only interested in survival, moment by moment.  What is the enemy doing now and how is he to be stopped?

On the other hand, when the immediate battle stops, one seeks healing from any wounds.  Further, one begins preparing for the next battle: getting supplies, preparing defense positions, making attack plans, and the like.

So too, we, when the Y"H leaves us alone for a little while, must prepare ourselves.  We fortify ourselves in Torah, we make advances in guarding our eyes, we strategize on how to face triggering situations, and so forth.  When we get a break we should enjoy and appreciate it, but the break will end because the Y"H does not give up.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Getting started again 27 Mar 2009 13:14 #4188

  • Ykv_schwartz
Ben,
your analogy is right on the mark.  I was just contemplating this exact analogy today. Unbelievable.  I have nothing to add.
Poshut Yid, let us know how things are doing?
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Re: Getting started again 30 Mar 2009 15:47 #4266

  • poshut yid
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I am happy to report that B'H I am still on the wagon. Today is day 10. I am nervous that I may have a nissoyon over the next day or 2.
I am feeling very uneasy and somewhat anxious about today. I usually find that weekends are fairly easy and when I am at work I tend to spend time surfing. I have put the K9 filter on my computer at work and set it to the highest setting.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Getting started again 30 Mar 2009 16:01 #4267

  • Ykv_schwartz
Daven to Hashem constantly to protect you.  Keep reminding yourself throughout the day how bad it is to fall.  Do not let your Y"H trick you into thinking that it is pleasurable.
May Hashem  be with you.
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