Hi chevra, Shavua Tov.

I've been struggling a lot recently, and it hasn't been getting any better. Some part of me wants to do the right thing, but at this point I've become so numb that not only do I continue to do the wrong thing, but I look for opportunities to do it. I feel like I don't really want to change, even though I know what I'm doing is wrong and that I cannot bear to live a life with this constantly making me its slave. But somehow, I still continue and continue to desire. How can I break free? I've become so numb that sometimes I even feel better after doing it. 

Every time I get a filter on my phone or laptop, I either find a way around it, or I just flat out delete it. (They should really find a way to unbreakably filter devices, I have yet to encounter a filter that is 100%).  

I've heard from people that I have to tell others about my problems so that I'll have someone over my head, but I can't bear to reveal my identity. Does anyone know how to get out of this awful pit?

 

Deep down we all want to do the right thing. The feelings that compel us to do things which we know are wrong can come from a variety of places. Number one is the yetzer hara. In addition there are various emotional and societal factors. For many the escape into pleasure and fantasy is something we learned way before we knew that such behavior was addictive, detrimental and against Halacha.

If you have never read a book such as the battle of the generation I suggest that you read it. A lot of the book is geared towards changing our perspective toward this struggle. In addition there are techniques on how to clarify what it is that we really want.

I would encourage you to keep pushing yourself to do the right thing no matter how many times or how bad you fall. Don’t look back and beat yourself up for your perceived failures. Every time that you try to do the right thing is inherently a success and something to be proud of.

It seems that your guilt and shame are bringing you down.

We know from prior research that we're better able to resist temptation when we feel good, not bad. Research also indicates that not all bad feelings are equal when it comes to undermining self-control. For example, when we asked subjects to anticipate guilt instead of shame, it made them eat more cake. Guilt, it turns out, carries a triple whammy: It concentrates thoughts on the temptation rather than on self-control; it makes you generally feel bad, weakening resistance; and it heightens the expected pleasure from being bad, which makes the temptation more tempting.

One of the good things about GYE is that it helps people see that they are not alone and they are not "bad" but rather "sick" (or you can call it addicted). This helps a person let go of the shame. But that doesn't mean they should let go of the guilt. You see, there is a very big difference between shame and guilt. Shame is damaging. It feeds the vicious cycle of addiction. Instead of "I made a mistake" (guilt), the person feels "I AM a mistake" (shame). I am messed up. I am "broken", I am "bad". This is very unhealthy and makes the person want to give up and just give in more. And our experience is that it is much more beneficial for a person to let go of shame than to hold on to it. Shame generally doesn't help a person stop, even though it seems like it might, in some cases.

On the other hand, it is very important to remain with some positive guilt when we are acting out. The Nesivos Shalom says that when a Jew no longer feels guilt, he has no more hope and is cut off from Hashem. Guilt means that a person acknowledges that they made mistakes in the past. Guilt pushes a person to look for ways to break OUT of the addictive cycle.

Another point, you wrote "They should really find a way to unbreakably filter devices, I have yet to encounter a filter that is 100%" 
It seems that​ this aint gonna happen...  A filter is extremely important but it's only a fence and if we want to jump over there will always be a way to do it. 

And yes, sharing your struggles with another person is something that WORKS. Many many on GYE can testify to that - including ,myself! 
It's easy?! NO! But it can save your life. If you find the right person, not only will he not look down at you but he'll respect you for the courage of coming forward and working on yourself.

Check out the Gentech filter

Hi and welcome!

I relate well to your struggles and that numbness that covers over the torn feeling of wanting/not wanting to stop. I can only share what I've noticed in my own limited experience, it may or may not be relevant. As long as I'm consistently giving into my urges and regularly acting out, I perceive the urges as what I really want and numb over any conflicting thoughts or feelings. But once I've managed to stay clean for a short while, even though the urges are still extremely powerful, they're no longer what I really want rather strong urges to do what I don't want. There isn't that numbness so there's the advantage of tapping into my true desires, values and goals as motivation to overcome the urges. I don't know your situation to advise specifically as to how (and I probably couldn't even if I did, check out the tools on the site and the GYE handbook – there's something for everyone), but my suggestion is to give it all you've got to stay clean for a short time (possibly a couple of weeks or so) and you may find that the numbness isn't there. The challenge most definitely will be, but with perseverance you can and will get there.

It's likely that I've totally missed the mark in all that I've written. If so just ignore. It's just that I sensed from your post that the potential for strong motivation is there not too far beneath the surface.

Wishing you much success. Keep us posted!

         

HaBa Litahair wrote on 18 Dec 2022 05:03:

Get a typewriter.

But, in all seriousness, I understand your situation fully, and when a person is in this position, no filter will be strong enough.
The problem isn't out there; it's in here.

Best of luck on your journey.

connected wrote on 21 Dec 2022 15:41:

As Dov says: "The strongest filter is the one I never test."
Hatzlacha!

Wow, thanks. I think you were entirely on point with your comment, and I appreciate the advice. I think I've found that about myself in the past too, that when I'm not constantly doing it I do feel less numb

HaBa Litahair wrote on 18 Dec 2022 05:03:

hi
same here love to have a solution or partner i think its bordom or not social so u lock yourself and look for enjoyment