HI everyone

I hope to write my full story a diff time.
I'm struggling to quit porn and to find a reason to quit.
I'm frequently feel suicidal (i suffer from emotional flashbacks ), when i'm in a emotional flashback, my anxiety can be 10/10 despite no real danger. I'm unable to be with myself in the pain and unable to distract myself without porn. During an emotional flashback I just want to die. Try watching netflix or even talking to someone when you feel like a lost 3yr old who can't find his mother (it's alot more scary than that, all i want to do i kill myself), @Human Being could prob explain emotional flashbacks alot better than me. Emotional flashbacks paralyse me due to the pain. Porn is my only escape (even the 30mins of porn that i use to escape, is only 30mins, but it makes a massive difference as it's 30mins where i can be out of this world and forget the pain, and also i become less fearful of emotional flashback knowing i have 30mins respite)

I'm in therapy and have amazing therapist, psychiatrist and family support (NOT MY PARENTS) for the emotional flashbacks and other issues i have, (besides my therapist and a mentor, the rest don't know about the porn). My relationship with my parents is quite low and i hate them due to they were unable to give me love and safety throughout my life due to their own unresolved issues, plus they gave me a horrible life.
Due to my current anxiety and other issues i'm still living at home which isn't helping but my therapist is working with me so that i'll be stable enough to eventually move out (i'm in my 20s btw). I also have siblings at home who support me 100% and we have an amazing relationship.

I have something similar to the Taphsic, i don't do taphsic due to the fact i'll easily break a shvuoh cause i don't care about them (please don't judge me, i know where it stems from and one day i'll hopefully write where it stems from). My taphsic is with my therapist and is based on trust that i tell him if i watch porn. Plus i can break the Taphsic if i have if i'm suicidal or in a severe emotional flashback. Plus i can message him anytime to tell him my Taphsic is off - not ready for the full commitment. I have tonnes of ways to help me get out of emotional flashbacks or at least calm the pain somewhat but i'm in such pain, i can't even do them even though i know it'll reduce the pain (porn calms the pain abit so i am in less pain and can then try get out of the emotional flashback.)

Just want to say that at the moment my judaism isn't the strongest, i feel like an OTD kid who never went otd. I'll write more on this a diff time.

I don't even know why i want to quit. A part inside of me crise when i have to watch porn. (if anyone's done Internal Family Systems therapy, they'll understand when i say that a part inside of me cries when i have to watch porn). I'm not emotionally stable enough to get married, i think i will be one day in a few years but i still dont know if i'll ever get married, i'll always have some scars from childhood that will make marriage more difficult for me. so giving the reason to quit cause it will ruin my marriage or makes them more difficult aint gonna work here as i don't know if i'll ever get married and even if i do, a part of me wants to marry someone not jewish as my judaism aint so strong. (i know someone who doesn't keep judaism and his spouse does - they went into the marriage like this, but i don't think i want that type of marriage).

I don't know why i want to quit, i want to, but i can't. The reason i want to quit can't be judaism related as I hate God alot for the life he gave me or the parents he gave me. (please don't argue here intellectually, it's my emotional pain and trauma talking)
edit: My therapist and other professionals have told me something interesting. A person's relationship with G-D is usually modelled on the relationship they had with their parents when they were young (unless they work to change the relationship with G-D). So seeing as i'm angry at my parents my entire life for the lack of love and safety, i automatically had that relationship with G-D where i'm angry at him - but for no reason, like i copy pasted the relationship over from parents to G-D. i wrote that I hate God alot for the life he gave me or the parents he gave me - thanks to this new insight, i now understand that really I'm angry at him for no reason, and then cause i have these emotions of hate and anger towards G-D, i translate them to mean they're valid and then i think why do I hate G-d why am I angry at G-d. I wrote it's cause of the life he gave me or the parents he gave me - the reasons also happen to be valid, but the anger and hate came FIRST. Whereas usually you have the thoughts and they cause the emotions, here i have the emotions and they cause the thoughts

I want to quit but can't. I don't know why i want to quit. I feel crazy.

Any advice appreciated

Looking forward to hearing from you all

ILAHCFM

ILAHCFM wrote on 03 Nov 2022 13:10:

Thank you for your extraordinary courage in writing this. Also, your raw honesty. I can relate to many of the things you said and my heart goes out to you; actually my heart kind of feels like it wants to wrap itself around you to shield you from the hurt and protect you and give you comfort from the crushing pain. I have been there psychologically. Not making it about me, just wanting you to know that on some level I get it. I promise you I will be here for you with no judgement of any kind, just support and love. You are a courageous guy who is suffering but I believe you will make it to a better place in this life. Hatzlacha, buddy ❤️. Keep us posted. People here really care. 

Welcome!

Unfortunately I relate a lot to what you wrote above am sorry about what you’re going through.

Mental health is most important right now.
Especially if dealing with suicidal thoughts etc.
I know the feelings, I know….
It was hard for me to be acting less “observant” when dealing with this stuff and even now am working my way back slowly.

Do what you can and don’t do what you can’t.
Definitely see if you can substitute the porn for a different type of escape but please don’t beat yourself up on it and please don’t feel horrible for feeling otd.
I literally went through the same this year.

As much as it’s a painful, horrible time in your life. It’s an exciting time, because you’re bringing to light the dark demons of the past.
If you have a Rebbi to consult that would make you feel better then by all means consult.
I’m quoting the hadracha that I received.

This is sakanos nefashos.
Be easy on yourself (wish I took that advice myself), try living in the moment and definitely reach out over PM etc if you need.

With reverence,

YeshivaGuy 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 03 Nov 2022 14:54:

Thank you YeshivaGuy for your consistently wise, thoughtful, and insightful comments. You are a continuing inspiration. 

Your so brave for sharing your story publicly, well always be here (nonjudgmentally) to hear your pain and hold space for you.

Hi everyone, i just want to thank you all for your kinds words of support. I'll be posting more insights into my life as i remember them. I will also add them to the original post so that the original post becomes my "life story" - maybe the thread should eventually move into the "Introduce yourself" part of the forum

I wrote: The reason i want to quit can't be judaism related as I hate God alot for the life he gave me or the parents he gave me
My therapist and other professionals have told me something interesting. A person's relationship with G-D is usually modelled on his relationship he had with his parents (unless he works to change the relationship with G-D). So seeing as i'm angry at my parents my entire life for the lack of love and safety, i automatically had that relationship with G-D where i'm angry at him - but for no reason, like i copy pasted the relationship over from parents to G-D.
i did write in the original post I hate God alot for the life he gave me or the parents he gave me - really I'm angry at him for no reason, and then cause i have these emotions of hate and anger towards him, then I looked for reasons why I hate him and am angry at him, as i wrote in the original post cause of the life he gave me or the parents he gave me - the reasons happen to also be valid, but the anger and hate came FIRST. Whereas usually you have the thoughts/reasons and they cause the emotions, here i have the emotions and they cause the thoughts/reasons. I hope i make sense, any comments appreciated.

ILAHCFM wrote on 14 Nov 2022 12:39:

I want to respond quickly here to let you know that I feel your pain so very deeply. I am planning on writing to you privately with more and we can have a conversation…but please please know you are not alone and there are people who can understand what you are feeling. And, like @human being always says, I am a #nojudgmentzone

Just an update that i am currently trying out new meds, so far i'm less suicidal, less emotional flashbacks and very little porn.

ILAHCFM wrote on 14 Nov 2022 14:49:

I am so happy to hear that. I have been on meds for depression and anxiety disorders for many, many years and they have really been lifesavers for me as well. Your life has incredible value because YOU have incalculable value. Never, ever lose sight of that. When I was your age I was in much the same state you are in and, honestly, many of the things you shared in your post are very similar to my feelings when I was your age. I was angry (really angry). I was devastatingly hurt, I was the youngest person in a house that was toxic and tainted by mental illness that I did not recognize, because I was just a kid. I was just lost (not saying you are, just sharing that). When I read your posts I feel very close to you and anything I can do to be of help, even if that just means being a safe place to vent and unload, I will do. 

You guys are beautiful people.

Human being wrote on 14 Nov 2022 20:05:

My friend @human being, one heart knows another. You are such a beautiful man. You know my thoughts on that!!

ILAHCFM wrote on 14 Nov 2022 14:49:

I/we am/are so so happy for you, may you/we be zoiche to our final and great redemption (private and public redemptions...)