I always had a weird desire to watch violent porn. Like bad bad horror movies (going to leave out the details.)

Does anyone else have this challenge? I'm so ashamed of it and I'm surprised that i even shared in on a public forum.

Human being wrote on 31 Oct 2022 01:22:

PM me if you want. No judgment. Never be ashamed to tell me anything. You know my whole story. I’m a safe place to talk. Here for you. 

I'm the same though don't know where it comes from emotionally. No judgment here. I think in the realm of porn users it's "normal"  whatever that means or at least fairly common. 

In my mind there is some connection between this and people's obsession with 'jewish porn' or 'frum porn'. Whatever. Hatzlacha on your journey and don't get too hard on yourself.

Insights are helpful. They are not the end all to the process, but they are helpful. So here is a valuable insight. Whether it's 'violent porn', under age porn, teacher -student porn,  cuckold porn, or any other variation, even "Rabbi porn" ... Once someone points it out (like now) you can see that they all come from the same place. And hence they all "make sense.". Sex is very connected to power. So now revisit the list above - and any other variations you might have in your mind- and you will probably see this that they all have the same common denominator. They are all different scenarios of "power"/control/dominance over another person. Hence, also 'S+M'..etc..etc... It's all the same fantasy in different clothes. To sexualize having power.

Israelepstien wrote on 31 Oct 2022 15:27:

Wow. That is so true. 

Without getting into descriptions of various types of pornography I would say that while there is an aspect of power that manifests itself. That does not necessarily lead to the source of the particular fantasy.  There are many other emotions, feelings, types of people places and things that can all become subconsciously eroticized and lead a person to a certain interest.  

I had theories on my own interests for many years.  When I actually went to therapy and dug deep all those theories went into the trash bin and it became crystal clear what was driving me.  

Vehkam wrote on 31 Oct 2022 16:15:

So my theory on my SSA is that since I did not have a strong father figure or good relationship with my dad that I so craved an emotional connection to a male who would love and protect me and somewhere along the line (either before or after I was molested at age 14 by a 33 year old man—I think it was before because I was already looking for sex with men) this need for male love and acceptance and protection became sexualized and I have been seeking that ever since. This may be why just staying off porn and masturbation is not my whole problem. I seem to feel a loneliness for this male love, caring, and connection that porn and masturbating cannot fill. I have a wife I love and a family but part of me is still a little boy looking for the love and protection of a man. Thoughts?

Makes a lot of sense. 
I was the same and i have the same issues. 
For me it was more being the shy insecure teenager at the same time where it seemed to me that the hot guys got all the attention and everyone wanted to be friends with them, so in my mind, i needed to like them. and therefore started getting attracted to them. This is 1 theory
the other is that i was just very sexual excited from a yong age becuase i was looking for some reprieve from my trauma and sadness and i since i was only around boys all days, my excitement went there. It was much eaiser for me and still is much easier to ignore and move on from getting triggered by female either on the street or online then males. It is hardwired in my brain since a very young age versus female whom i didnt have any interaction untill much older and therefore didnt get so hardwired. 
Teshuvahguy, it is a very tough struggle we are in. But there is no other choice but to win. Losing is not possible. 

I was also very sexual as a very young boy (way before puberty or before I knew anything about sex I was bringing myself to what was basically a dry orgasm though I didn’t know it — I just knew it felt great.) I also was really bullied and I think transferred some of my desire to the bullies though I don’t know why…maybe because they seemed more male to me and all I wanted was to feel like a real boy and not some fake. Chancy, I know losing is not an option. The emotional pain is very great, though. There is an emptiness that I am not allowed to fill. You know what I mean. Thank you for connecting with me. Having people like you who know and understand is very important to me. I appreciate your friendship and I hope I have it.

We are all in pain, otherwise we wouldn't be doing these things. 
Some are more and some less. But we are in pain. I was surrounded by death since a very young age and there is nothing i can do about it. 
I hope you are going to therapy for the pain, it really helps. You learn how to keep the pain in its place, not suppressing it not living in it. 

That makes sense. Wish i knew how you could redirect that feeling. And if you had a mentor/rebbe relationship, that wouldnt be the same? or would kindle these feelings?

retrych wrote on 31 Oct 2022 17:24:

I would love a mentor or rebbe to confide in. If it were a rebbe or some guy I knew did not have SSA then I would not be triggered to kindle the feelings. I do think I need someone who is not anonymous in my life to help me with this. I’m terrified to tell anyone I know. It’s not just for me, but my wife would be very hurt if it got out. I wish I could find a good frum therapist I could trust too. The last therapist I talked about this too told me to embrace the homosexuality (i was married to my first wife and not frum) and I basically gave up  fighting and got divorced. I cannot trust a non-frum therapist. 

I think you're right to be shocked by these things, but by no means is this a struggle unique to you. What I think is disturbing is how all the pornography ends up tending towards increasingly bizarre and violent fantasies. I personally struggle with fantasies of myself being the victim of rude or overbearing women (though not too extreme). Unsurprisingly, this has lead me to be mistreated by women. I carry guilt because I have enjoyed that feeling, and realize it is immoral. If you asked me why this is the case I would have very little explanation since it doesn't make much sense. I was never exposed to that kind of thing growing up. I assume it's mainly the yetzar hara.

Sorry if this sounds prejudice. I think that the Jewish view of ...uality is incompatible with the kind of violence and idolatry associated with what I consider to be gentile ...ual norms, which as IsraelEpstein mentioned are usually located around power relations. I believe this due to the many prohibitions on violent acts found in the Torah (e.g., treif) and that the motivating purpose of marital intimacy in the Shulchan Aruch seems to be modesty. Ultimately Hashem is the one who has power, not a specific gender or man or woman.

Ultimately what got me to take this issue seriously was not even illegal emission (which Shulchan Aruch says is the worst sin in the Torah) was that these fantasies were invariably idolatrous. Many women who make that kind of pornographic content refer to themselves in divine or idolatrous terms. Hashem is very clear how angry this makes Him. Being genuinely afraid of committing idolatry was the initial fear that got me out of this, which is a bit unexpected since it superficially seems removed from the rest of this stuff but in actuality I don't think it is

One way that I've managed to use this kind of perversion to help me make teshuvah is the idea that I want to stay pure for my wife, that I should not look at women I'm not married to, are all consistent with feelings of deference that someone who shares the kind of perversions I have probably also has

Something I found a little bit funny is many women also struggle with these feelings, and it can cause them to feel really badly about themselves. I don't think that guilt or even focusing too much stuff on this stuff is the answer. Instead to do teshuvah try to enter into the light and surround yourself with good things or try to figure out how to use your vices for a good purpose (e.g., if you are like me, the desire to be deferential or respectful to women can help you avoid illegal emission or looking at women). I think this stuff probably gets less extreme the more you avoid it.

None of this stuff is easy but Israel is supposed to be holy

Israelepstien wrote on 31 Oct 2022 15:27:

While I don't necessarily agree that ALL sex is connected to power, I personally have discovered through therapy that some of my drive to violent porn was rooted in a quest for control. It is important to note that this aspect of control can be true no matter which side of the S&M relationship you may be fantasizing about/ attracted to.
There is also the theory that the objectification of women and sex brought on by regular porn consumption leads in progression to violent porn.