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fighting.. at least trying to.
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: fighting.. at least trying to. 2017 Views

fighting.. at least trying to. 18 Mar 2009 16:49 #3839

  • net12
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Hi everyone
Havin' a hard time lately, very up and down, I need help with some strategies.

I go on the computer too often, even though its for my work, it's not my computer either.
keep slipping up on it. really pissed.


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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 18 Mar 2009 17:13 #3840

  • battleworn
Everyone should know, that Net is a great tzadik. He has an extremely powerful ratzon, which is what really counts. His present situation is technically impossible, and I implore each and every one of you to daven your heart out for him. Later on when he becomes one of the great Tzadikei Hador you'll reap the rewards of your tefilos.
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 18 Mar 2009 17:44 #3841

  • the.guard
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It's a process, Tzadik. All the times you try/tried are not lost when you fall. They are yours forever, and it is these little "tryings" that you keep doing will add up and ultimately give you the strength to learn full control. You have to believe that with enough effort you will succeed. And you have to always keep happy with the little successes you have. These two secrets are the recipe for ultimate success.

Imagine how many thousands of times you said "no" to your Yetzer Hara in the past. This should give you Simcha. You may keep falling, but you still have the upper hand.

It is brought down in the sefer, menucha v'kedusha, written by a talmid of R' Chaim Volozhin, that a person who sins his whole life can still be considered a zaddik, as long as he never gives up and always continues to fight. We like to think of success in terms of results.  But we know Hashem looks at our efforts. 

One of the most important yesodos in this struggle is NOT to get DOWN on yourself. This leads to a downward spiral. Feel regret, but not sadness. How can you tell the difference? Listen to this 5 minute audio clip from a Shiur by Rabbi Shafier.

Also, read Chizuk e-mail 296 and 297 on this page (scroll down).

But you are smart. You ask for strategy. What more can we tell you that you don't know? There's a whole list of tools on our website's home-page.
- Do you have a good filter or accountability software?
- Do you have a sponsor? I know you used to...
- Do you join 12-Step groups? I know you used to, what happened?
- Did you try and speak to Rav Ya'ir Shochat in Israel on our new Israeli hot-line?
- Post on the forum more
- Read through past Chizuk e-mails / tips on our site
- Use vows in a SMART and SAFE way - see here.

We are honored to have you on our forum, fighting along side us all to give Hashem pleasure. The fact you keep coming back shows, like Battleworn says, that you have a tremendous Ratzon. Keep trying, davening and being happy, and you WILL ultimately succeed!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 18 Mar 2009 17:49 by .

Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 18 Mar 2009 17:52 #3842

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Net, you are connected with Chabad so I thought you might find interesting this excerpt from a story someone sent me:

At this stage I got courage and spoke to a Rav. However, I got a very cold response as this Rav clearly did not understand where I was coming from. (This was about 31 years ago!). I told the Rav I would write to the Lubovitcher Rebbe. He told me I could write, but would never get an answer.

He was wrong I did get an answer. I never revealed the contents of this letter, which was written in Hebrew, but this is gist of the letter.

"you should occupy yourself with the letters of Torah and Tephilla which have no connection whatsoever ...much light comes from the deepest darkeness"

I will try and find the original and let you see for yourself.

Some months later I actually whet to 770 and had personal Yehidus with the Rebbe. At this time I had broken the habit and thought I had won. The Rebbe told me "you should behave according to Shulkan Aruch"

I then returned to  Yeshiva for several years with no problems

Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 18 Mar 2009 19:09 #3843

  • net12
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Thank you everyone for the inspiring responses.
A couple of points....

Reb GUE,
I have a sponsor currently, the one u spoke to me about getting, he agreed.
I speak to him every day, an absolutely AMAZING guy. I learn from him how never to give up.
I need to read the chizzuk emails every day.
I also need to make some nedarim.

Perspective, I've come to realise is crucial in winning, having the right perspective is the only way to go. you and Harav Battle-victor(worn) have come to show me that.

Reb Battle-victor
what the .. do you mean impossible and technichally, nothing's imposssible!!
seriously, what?
how is my situation impossible?
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 18 Mar 2009 20:08 #3849

  • Ykv_schwartz
Net,
Your positive attitude and determination is contagious. When things go right for a person it is easy to maintain a positive outlook.  When things become gloomy and a person thinks he has all the reasons to feel like a failure and giving up, and despite the fact, he picks himself up with such vigor it is nothing short of inspiring.  Now hopefully you will use your energy right now for figuring the correct strategies that are appropriate for you as well as  putting up the appropriate fences to protect future nisyonos. 

We are all here with you cheering you on.  And as battleworn has instructed we will daven for you.  When I go to the kosel on Sunday, I hope to add a special prayer for you. 
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 19 Mar 2009 10:57 #3862

  • net12
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When I go to the Kotel today, I'll daven for you too!  :D
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 19 Mar 2009 11:39 #3863

  • battleworn
Tzadik, if you asked the question here, I guess that means it's o'k to answer you here. There are two reasons why I said your situation is technically impossible. One is that you have free access to the internet. The other one is that your life doesn't have any structure etc...

Of course you're 100% right that it's not really impossible. If you'll concentrate your tremendous kochos on changing the situation, instead of wasting energy on trying to fight the menuval with brute force and letting it get you down then you'll most definitely succeed very fast!
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 19 Mar 2009 11:47 #3864

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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 20 Mar 2009 14:33 #3910

  • net12
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To Reb GUE

a.  so... what's your point?

b. my family made aliya and lives in Eretz Yisroel

c. I agree with him about bochurim coming to Israel, but to get married earlier at 20, 21?, not neccesserily
if a bocher has nothing under his belt, in terms of a job etc. and might not be mature enough yet , why  should they make a shidduch and give them both a hard time. The frum world has to realise that not every single bocher can go to Kolel after he's married and some, just some bochurim might need skills for a job.

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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 21 Mar 2009 20:00 #3919

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My point was only that Bochurim should get married younger these days, including you. I agree you should have job skills, but you can be learning these skills after marriage as well. You don't need to have a degree before getting married. Chaza"l are very strong about how marriage helps keep us away from sin, and there's no reason to push it off.

As far as maturity goes, I know you well enough Net to say you are plenty mature for marriage.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 21 Mar 2009 21:01 #3920

  • net12
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I dunno

I don't think I'm emotioanlly stable enough yet, mitzad my ability to keep a seder and a number of other things.
I'll give it a year or two, I'm only nineteeen. I'll be twenty in two months.
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 21 Mar 2009 21:55 #3927

  • Ykv_schwartz
guardureyes wrote on 21 Mar 2009 20:00:

My point was only that Bochurim should get married younger these days, including you. I agree you should have job skills, but you can be learning these skills after marriage as well. You don't need to have a degree before getting married. Chaza"l are very strong about how marriage helps keep us away from sin, and there's no reason to push it off.

For an addict, the idea of getting married young can only worsen the addiction.  I got married at age 21 (I am 31 today) and I had not properly dealt with my addiction prior to getting married.  In fact it was the months leading up to the wedding that my addiction began to increase.  It was at that time that I discovered internet porn.  I lived those months in guilt for ruining myself and my wife.  I was lost.  I had no one to talk to.  I had already mentioned on another post how, when I was young I would contemplate suicide.  During those months, I would think about it all the time.  At the same time I was trying to prepare myself spiritually.  Which I was doing.  My inside desired nothing but spirituality and living a true life of keduash.  But my actions did not match up.  And somehow I craved porn all day.  I could not escape.  It was only a week and a half before my wedding that I finally was able to throw it away.  I threw myself into the seforim hakedoshim and fixed my ways.  My chupah was so intense.  My eyes were closed as I entered it and my lips moved in prayer as I asked for forgiveness.  I still love looking at those pictures today. It reminds me of my true teshuva that I expressed that fine day under the chupah.  But all I could think of was freeing me of my aveiros.
Marriage got off to a good start until two months into it.  We got a computer and it was all down hill from there.  I had not even desired porn until that day.  But when the computer entered the house, my brain had already made the associations between computer/internet and porn. And almost immediately, I fell into it.  I could not get out.  I was hopeless.  I got depressed as I felt like a total failure and cheater.  My therapist later explained to me how guilt breeds more bad action. Indeed he was right.  Being married with the addiction (especially when I did not even know I had an addiction. The term internet/porn addiction did not exist.  People never spoke about that.) made the addiction and marriage harder.     

Now I should point out that I always loved my wife and we always maintained a good marriage.  We continued to grow.  But an addiction is an addiction.  If it is not treated then it will not go away.  To try to distract it with marriage just does not work.  I thought it would which I why I got that more depressed.  I also thought that by getting married I surely will have not these problems anymore.  Well, over ten years over marriage I am finally properly lifting myself up, high up.  I am not doing this for my wife.  I am not doing this for my kids. I am doing this for my creator who obligates me in kedusha.  I am doing this for my neshama that desires nothing other than perfection and coming close to Hashem.  My wife and kids reap those benefits which brings me happiness. 

Regarding chazal's encouragement to get married to protect from sin, chazal on that same sugya point out how torah can also suffer.  And a person needs to weigh it out.  Exactly why Torah will suffer is a bit a dispute between Rashi and Tosfos, but the details do not matter too much right now.  The point is many considerations need to be evaluated.  The poskim bring down from the maharshal who says that to wait until 24 is fine.  This is based on the gemara itself that gives this age.  Getting married young can bring unnecessary stress to a person's life. 

I am not discouraging net from marriage. But I do think 19 is too young anyways.  I do not think that it is the answer to deal with addiction.  I do think it is wise to wait it out and have a better plan of life and feel ready.  Now if he feels ready for it, then it is a different story.

As for me, in the long run getting married young was a blessing. 
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 22 Mar 2009 06:32 #3950

  • net12
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Thanx Y-kv

I agree with you, marriage is not always the solution.
I don't think I'm ready yet.

Why do you say for yourself that it was best in the long run?
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Re: fighting.. at least trying to. 22 Mar 2009 18:22 #3967

  • Ykv_schwartz
Net wrote on 22 Mar 2009 06:32:

Why do you say for yourself that it was best in the long run?

Because I married a woman who is perfect for me.  I do not think I would have married had I waited.  Also, looking back on life I realize how much good came about from marrying young and starting out at such a young age.  However, all that was after the fact.  Going through my first few years was both difficult for me and my wife.  Besides the problems I had mentioned, marrying young brought unnecessary stress of parnasa.  This put strain on our lives.  But, B"H, we prevailed and each became greater people because of it.  We grew together.  So now as I look back at the past ten years, I realize how much good came from that. I realized how much Hashem is in control of the world.  But that was all after the fact. I would not suggest l'chatchila to do that.  I could see how for some that could lead to disaster. 
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