I was off of GYE for about 2 months. Fell into deep darkness. Went back to my old ways. I wasn’t even trying to resist. I finally have my head on and starting again. I want to leave this life behind. Listened to rabbi shafier today. I want to grow up and truly be a man with one wife. And no other tayva. Time to change. Life is bleek when I’m watching p***. 

Good to have you back. I would wager that even if you feel like you weren't doing well over the past couple of months, a lot of growth probably happened below the surface. Something brought on an awakening for you to pick yourself back up. It's a big deal and a special thing to make the decision to lift yourself back up out of the darkness. It should be with hatzlacha, keep us posted

Welcome back   - Yashar Koach for this post. The hardest part is done - your back here now.. Don't leave here.. even if you fall again - stay connected. 

Hatzlacha Rabba

I gave in many times today to my struggles. I ‘m going through major life changes of having a baby and leaving my job all at once. I need to get back to myself. I need to stop playing the victim in my head and be a man. I was in the city today, so many pruste women there. Usually I can look away and not focus on them, but since I had already fallen in the morning, I didn’t even resist. 
on a good note, I listened yesterday and today to two shiurim of “the fight” by rabbi shafier. And the first of Dov’s SA workshop. Hashem, please help me on this journey. I want to be a Baal teshuva. 

I feel like part of the yetzer hara's tactic is that after you fall he makes you stress about it and think about it till it takes over your mind and you end up in an infinite loop.

It might be helpful to sit down, do "tshuvah" (say to hashem "I regret doing what I did and won't do it again) and really internalize that you have a clean slate now. You never watched porn. You don't know anything about it.

It sounds cheesy but if you speak it out to yourself a few times you will start to believe it and it'll feel great.

*and about you wanting to be a ba'al teshuva, I think you already are one.

You know something, I was thinking. Living life is awesome! Dealing with challenges is exhilarating, it’s like skydiving. You literally are flying through the air, at 150 MPH. One second your one place the next second your far away from where you were. Every second is a new challenge. We’re alive!!!! Modeh ani lifanecha melech chai vkayum shehechezarta bi nishmasi bichemla rabba emunasecha!
We are all holy neshamos sent to this world to better ourselves. We were put in this challenging dor for a reason. I may have my struggles, I may fall.. I’m not an angel im not perfect. I’m flawed.. all humans are. I have to learn to enjoy life. Enjoy breathing, enjoy views(kosher ones lol) 
Enjoy the little things.

Larry Bird wrote on 12 Jun 2022 18:11:

Hashem is the skydiving instructor guiding us and making sure the parachute is pulled at the right time.