Thanks bego and cords, we might be alluding to the same point with different wording, (one of the tricky parts of writing, for me at least) I dont think overthinking and philosophical wording is helpful for me in my stage, I'll just stick to where I'm at, and see where it takes me... for now, there is a "part of me", which likes sex and that is okay and natural. That part though can show up in wrong ways, I need to be mindful about that.

and I'll btw admit Cords, I am on a dangerous slope... 

For me this mindset was a game changer, when I was able to spell it out to my therapist, that lust is what I want and value, and feel it to be a very important component to my being, I was able then to make more sober choices, as I am weighing value to value. Also the freedom of expressing it in that way helped tons.

mggsbms wrote on 12 Apr 2022 16:19:

That is the way I feel. I maybe wouldn't yet use the word value, or part of my being. I should maybe also note that I got there threw a therapist as well.

Latest update: I keep on falling, not sure what my plan is or should be. I did realize (using the F2F CURE tracker) that my last few falls were in result of my anxiety. 

I also dont have a filter now really as I have a workaround, but somehow I feel like my work should be threw my will to change, not by a strict filter, and that might be my denial speaking, not sure.

חזק ואמץ.

I agree but I think a filter would help you a lot when it comes to those lust attacks where you act compulsively on the desire. I have had moments like that and I was glad I had a filter that actually did it's job and prevented me from being able to fulfill that desire.

For me, I think back to the last time I slipped up, and if I had confidence before the slip up that I would be able to withstand. Every single time, I thought that I'll be able to stop myself through willpower, and every single time I was wrong. I finally figured out that I should have confidence that I shouldn't trust my absolute confidence in my willpower. This idea doesn't make any sense to someone when they have that feeling of confidence, so one can only rely on experience to understand that they're about to fall into the same trap they always fall into. It's actually possible for someone to keep falling for the same old trap for years and still have confidence that they won't.

So after asking some fellows, I'm in touch with the filtering company to fix my filter.

I went 150 days clean after working in therapy on my anxiety and emotions, and when my filter failed I kept on falling, I thought I should be able to be clean even without a filter. That was a rather stupid idea, thinking that I can trust myself at a difficult emotional time of year, with lots of unstructured extra time, with unfiltered porn in my pocket 24 hours... well my ego got the best of me. I obviously cannot. 

at the same time, a filter is in no way a solution, as Dov said, as long as you test it, you've got work to do.... but I cannot trust myself to know at any time that I can access whatever I desire.

A filter fills a major purpose. Sometimes our resolve is weak, we are tired, super stressed, massively bored, or just plain fed up with something. We are not going to drive to a store and buy a Smartphone, use it for a few hours, and then smash it... However if we have an easily accessible open device that can "pacify" us, we feel "why not?" This is where a filter literally saves the day. In addition, in my conversations with many guys, they report good filters saving them from the side advertisements etc that used to entice them while they were working on totally kosher sites. That nisayon just does not exist for them any more. 

Sapy wrote on 28 Apr 2022 02:45:

good luck, and nice to see that cord's strings can be productive as well.

I love what you wrote "I cannot trust myself" because over the many years of my struggle I have come to this realisation that I must be constantly alert and at least once a day remind myself how important it is to me to stay clean. Too often I trusted myself or switched into autopilot. I have learnt the hard way that I need to view myself as always vulnerable in regards to this test.

As a side point, we don't need to turn away from our falls and focus on wishing they didn't happen, rather we must realise that all our falls are part of what will get us to the goals we are working towards.

We admire you,
Excellence