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My Journey
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: My Journey 441 Views

My Journey 02 Mar 2022 00:48 #378019

Hi
Am reaching out because i need some chizuk now, i have a hashkafik question why does a man have a tayva for women, it's just too hard to guard your eyes, stop yourself from watching porn, reading things one shouldn't be, i am on day 27 but i am feeling like i am about to fall badly,i know that Hashem has given me this challenge because he knows i can overcome it, and that he doesn't give someone a nissoyan that he can't overcome, i am just finding it a bit to hard. its seems at times that i just can't do it! i don't know what to do, i try every day to become better and to work on this but i am feelinga bit down now, and i want to know if you have an answer how do i overcome this feeling like the challenge is way out of my league and what's the point and feeling like it's a bit unfair, But CHAS VA SHOLOM NOT FOR A MINUTE , nothing that Hashem does is unfair i have to work on my emuna....Can anyone relate???

Re: My Journey 02 Mar 2022 01:46 #378023

Hi, I absolutely can relate. Especially during the first few weeks this challenge can feel completely frustrating and insurmountable. The one thing I can say is it will not stay that way. The fight you are fighting right now is building a strength of will inside of you, and you are also redefining how your brain processes lust and triggering situations. Those two factors are real, and they will make you increasingly capable of winning this struggle as time goes on. You just need to keep going, it will not always be this intense. Someone on here said it well, I can't remember the name so I can't quote them directly, but this saying stuck with me: "You don't lose until you give up." In other words, as long as you keep trying (even if chas veshalom you fall), you will grow and eventually succeed. Keep it up!

Re: My Journey 02 Mar 2022 03:09 #378028

  • 5Uu80*cdwB#^
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Hi there. I also can relate to what you're saying. What I want to add right now is that you should ask yourself how much you let your mind fantasize. Speaking from a lot of personal experience, allowing the mind to lust and imagine fantasies is what keeps the taivos alive and thriving even after you stop looking at shmutz. I think this is something that is not very well understood by people, even those actually trying to win this battle. It seems that a lot of people think that the problem will be solved if they manage to delete their internet. Not looking at shmutz is CERTAINLY required in order to slaughter the taivos, but until one fully wakes up to the fact that the core of the problem is letting the mind go to fantasy land, the taivos won't get much lighter even after stopping to look at shmutz.

In other words, continuing to fantasize = continued unbearable battle after battle after battle. Deciding not to fantasize = easy sailing. What I have written here is exactly the realization that broke the chains that kept me bound to masturbation for years.
If you are wondering why you can't stop masturbating even though you're guarding your eyes, it's because you're fantasizing.
Last Edit: 02 Mar 2022 03:11 by 5Uu80*cdwB#^.

Re: My Journey 02 Mar 2022 16:16 #378055

  • davidt
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Hashem give me koach wrote on 02 Mar 2022 00:48:
Hi
Am reaching out because i need some chizuk now, i have a hashkafik question why does a man have a tayva for women, it's just too hard to guard your eyes, stop yourself from watching porn, reading things one shouldn't be, i am on day 27 but i am feeling like i am about to fall badly,i know that Hashem has given me this challenge because he knows i can overcome it, and that he doesn't give someone a nissoyan that he can't overcome, i am just finding it a bit to hard. its seems at times that i just can't do it! i don't know what to do, i try every day to become better and to work on this but i am feelinga bit down now, and i want to know if you have an answer how do i overcome this feeling like the challenge is way out of my league and what's the point and feeling like it's a bit unfair, But CHAS VA SHOLOM NOT FOR A MINUTE , nothing that Hashem does is unfair i have to work on my emuna....Can anyone relate???

What you're writing is very relatable, we're in this boat together as a family.  
You asked a very fundamental question: "why does a man have a tayva for women" Chazal teach us in Yoma 69b , 
נבעי רחמי איצרא דעבירה. בעו רחמי ואמסר בידייהו. אמר להו: חזו דאי קטליתו ליה לההוא, כליא עלמא. חבשוהו תלתא יומי, ובעו ביעתא בת יומא בכל ארץ ישראל ולא אשתכח.

After killing the Yetzer Hara for idolatry they tried killing the one for lust. The Yetzer Hara told them that they'll destroy the world by killing it so they held it in jail for three days. After three days they saw that there were no eggs (since all lost their attraction).

An egg could not be found because the yetzer hara – the selfish, sexual, evil impulse that drives us to want to procreate was gone.  Without the yetzer hara, the world as we know would cease; people would no longer be driven to build, to create, to have children.  So our goal is not to destroy the yetzer hara, but rather to sublimate it to God’s purpose. To achieve our fullest human potential, we need to learn to bend our impulses to godly ends.  We should not cease to lust, but should direct that urge toward love.  We should turn our impulse toward vengeance into the desire for justice and our ambition for acquiring possessions into the creation of wealth that will help others.

But the truth is that the whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in our minds. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". We are left shaking our head and not believing that for this we sell our very souls.

The world is full of temptations. If we want to hold on to lust, we will have endless opportunities to continue lusting at every turn. We will be fighting a losing battle of Shemiras Ainayim by constantly trying not to look at things that we do want to look at so badly. Instead, the real trick to success is to learn how to let go of the lusting altogether. Instead of fighting it head-on, we need to simply let go of it.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when?"
feel free to reach out @  ahavayirah@gmail.com

Re: My Journey 02 Mar 2022 19:11 #378064

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 02 Mar 2022 03:09:
Hi there. I also can relate to what you're saying. What I want to add right now is that you should ask yourself how much you let your mind fantasize. Speaking from a lot of personal experience, allowing the mind to lust and imagine fantasies is what keeps the taivos alive and thriving even after you stop looking at shmutz. I think this is something that is not very well understood by people, even those actually trying to win this battle. It seems that a lot of people think that the problem will be solved if they manage to delete their internet. Not looking at shmutz is CERTAINLY required in order to slaughter the taivos, but until one fully wakes up to the fact that the core of the problem is letting the mind go to fantasy land, the taivos won't get much lighter even after stopping to look at shmutz.

In other words, continuing to fantasize = continued unbearable battle after battle after battle. Deciding not to fantasize = easy sailing. What I have written here is exactly the realization that broke the chains that kept me bound to masturbation for years.

wow! thanks, i am going to work hard now on not fantasizing 

Re: My Journey 02 Mar 2022 19:14 #378065

DavidT wrote on 02 Mar 2022 16:16:



What you're writing is very relatable, we're in this boat together as a family.  
You asked a very fundamental question: "why does a man have a tayva for women" Chazal teach us in Yoma 69b , 
נבעי רחמי איצרא דעבירה. בעו רחמי ואמסר בידייהו. אמר להו: חזו דאי קטליתו ליה לההוא, כליא עלמא. חבשוהו תלתא יומי, ובעו ביעתא בת יומא בכל ארץ ישראל ולא אשתכח.

After killing the Yetzer Hara for idolatry they tried killing the one for lust. The Yetzer Hara told them that they'll destroy the world by killing it so they held it in jail for three days. After three days they saw that there were no eggs (since all lost their attraction).

An egg could not be found because the yetzer hara – the selfish, sexual, evil impulse that drives us to want to procreate was gone.  Without the yetzer hara, the world as we know would cease; people would no longer be driven to build, to create, to have children.  So our goal is not to destroy the yetzer hara, but rather to sublimate it to God’s purpose. To achieve our fullest human potential, we need to learn to bend our impulses to godly ends.  We should not cease to lust, but should direct that urge toward love.  We should turn our impulse toward vengeance into the desire for justice and our ambition for acquiring possessions into the creation of wealth that will help others.

But the truth is that the whole desire is a blown up bubble of hot-air, built around what we see and imagine in our minds. Experience has shown us all, that as soon as we get what we thought we wanted -- what we thought was going to be absolutely incredible (according to what we saw and fantasized), the bubble pops and all that's left is "hot air". We are left shaking our head and not believing that for this we sell our very souls.

The world is full of temptations. If we want to hold on to lust, we will have endless opportunities to continue lusting at every turn. We will be fighting a losing battle of Shemiras Ainayim by constantly trying not to look at things that we do want to look at so badly. Instead, the real trick to success is to learn how to let go of the lusting altogether. Instead of fighting it head-on, we need to simply let go of it.


Thanks for your reply and cheers for quoting about the gemara, my mentor who i had in my early teens told me this gemara, iv always wondered what gemara where to find it.. 

Re: My Journey 02 Mar 2022 19:16 #378066

@committed to-growth
 You don't lose until you give up." In other words, as long as you keep trying (even if chas veshalom you fall), you will grow and eventually succeed. Keep it up!


 I like the quote thanks for your support
Last Edit: 02 Mar 2022 19:18 by Hashem Gave Me Koach.
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