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My summer forum
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: My summer forum 1366 Views

Re: My summer forum 08 Aug 2021 03:39 #371496

  • eyes
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Hi AE and Zedj, thank you for your fine words and encouragement.
BH friday was good. My mother gave me her 2017 mac air and I got it working, but then I started getting some tingling feelings, and I knew what they were. I could find anyone to switch my filter for me. SO I stood up and I decided that I am IYH not going to use it until it is filtered. Waiting until tomorrow iyh to contact techloq.

Besides for that BH lots to be grateful for.

Eyes

Re: My summer forum 08 Aug 2021 12:48 #371504

  • Striving Avreich
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Techloq can not filter macbooks. The primary jewish filters are gentech and netspark. Let me know if you'd like some more information

Re: My summer forum 09 Aug 2021 14:09 #371526

  • eyes
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HI,
thank you SA for your recommendation. You are correct. Although I dont like Gentech for personal reasons, but I don't have a choice. 

Yesterday, I needed to return some shoes that I bought, not realizing I needed to go into a mall that was not that cool. I ran through it with my kids and gave back the shoes. Wasnt that happy that I did that, but BH I told myself before to be careful and I did my best not to look anywhere. I think I BH did a pretty good job.

Today while dropping off my daughter I was BH careful not to look at any counselors. 

Praying for a wonderful day IYH

Have a gutte chodesh

I am now on the phone with tag and getting the gentech filter

Thanks

Eyes

Re: My summer forum 09 Aug 2021 23:43 #371532

  • eyes
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For today. 
BH its the evening and I still need to go out to daven mincha and maariv.
Today I had some lust.
When I went to pick up my son, i saw a woman in a bathing suit. There is. swimming pool right next door with a fence that is basically see through. I BH did not look at the pool on my way out. 
Hope I am forgiven did not mean to look.
As I said the summer is the hardest time for me.

Bez"H I hope for a better day tomorrow IYH

Have a wonderful evening

EYES

Re: My summer forum 13 Aug 2021 01:49 #371572

  • eyes
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Hi Everyone,
Yesterday one of my choshive Chaverim sent me the following story that really resinated with me.
I quote
Do you know the famous story about the guy that was walking with his rebbe near a river when they noticed a lady drowning. the rebbe jumped in grabbed the naked lady and carried her to safety. The talmid couldn't believe his eyes, his rebbe just broke every rule of tznius and shmiras enayim! they continued their walk and a little while later the talmid couldn't hold himself in anymore and asked how the rebbe was able to do what he did. to which he responded i held her for a few minutes but its seems you have been holding her for the past few hours...

This was well said.

Today when a women dressed for the weather came into my field of vision I tried to let it pass without taking up too much space in my head.

Thanks 

Eyes

Re: My summer forum 16 Aug 2021 03:24 #371639

  • eyes
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Hi Everyone,
BH had a pretty good day.
I took my family to a park with a splash pad. (it has running water with fountains in a park, and people come dressed for swimming and dance around on the pad) BH I was able to look and BH that was really good. 

But at the end of the day was a bit hard not with shmiras einayim thou.
I want to put it out there. I know this may be a thing for the BB forum, but I really want to know what the bochurim have to say as well.

I have a sister in law that is older than me by a few months. I am BH 32. She is not yet married. There is a guy who has been bugging me for over a year to set up a date for him. I always said that I am not involved and that he should go directly to my father in law the girls father. So he is about 14 years older than her (turning 47) went to my father in law and asked him to date his daughter. My father in law told him "I am not involved in her shidduchim", which he really is. Now this guy has never been married and he really does. Unfortunately he has other issues as well. So because he was told by the girls own father that he is not in charge of her shidduchim, so the man called me and called other cousins to my wife and tried to get them to match him up. Everyone knowing him pushed him off and said that they are not getting involved. But this guy wont relent, so he called one of the senior cousin and asked him to set up a date. So this senior cousin told this guy that he should speak to his father. His father the uncle of my wife and sister in law is a prominant rov and posek, who is highly sought after. 
Today this guy who wants to date my sister in law calls me up and said that the senior cousin said to call his father and this guy asked me to call on his behalf. 
I knew that my wife would not be supportive of this phone call. But if you realize through the whole story, that nobody wants to set him up. But he doesnt get the point, because nobody is saying a flat no, including the girls own father. 
So I decided that I need to put an end to this story. As my sister in law is running through this guys head 24/7 and he thinks he still has a chance because nobody has told him no. 
So tonight I picked up the phone and called my wife's uncle to tell him that his own son (the senior cousin) said that it should go to his father. So the uncle a very smart man took the reins and helped me stop this whole parsha by telling this guy the following. "I gave it over to the uncle and if they think it is something to pursue then they will get back to you." the conversation was done.
My wife heard the whole conversation and she extrapolated that I think that it is a good shidduch. For over an hour I had to convince her that I didnt think so, and I just needed to stop this whole thing and help this guy realize that it is time to move on. She thinks and as much as I tried to explain it to her that everyone has been pushing this guy off and not telling him to stop. Everyone is giving him false hopes that there still may be a chance of him marrying her.
I am hurt and insulted that my wife is not giving me the benifit of the doubt and weighing me on the kaf zechus that I am really trying to help this guy and her sister move on But she doesnt see what I am trying to say.

In any case what would you do?
If you knew someone may have psychological issue, are you going to ruin a possible shidduch?
ANy rabbonim on this site?

Thanks for your input

EYES

Re: My summer forum 18 Aug 2021 17:13 #371717

  • eyes
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Hi Everyone,
Sorry for not posting in a few days.
BH all is going well.
When I look online for shirts that I need desperately, but cant find a good price, I occasionally see a picture of a women. I try to go off the site right away. BH I found a store not far from me that is having a crazy sale. So BEZ"H I am going to got here.

Yesterday a friend called me and asked me for some help. He needed a help moving a dresser from one floor to the next. He also wanted to see my minivan that I am trying to sell. (anyone interested? LOL) in any case he is married and I made sure not to look at his wife. Even when she thanked me for coming or asked questions about the car I did not look when I responded. 
Later I was chatting with her husband and he told me that his wife was very impressed that I didnt look at her.
They didnt end up buying the van. NU NU

BH the summer is coming to a close. I am constantly reminding myself in the street or where ever I am. To know where are am and what I might see. That I should just let it past and not dwell on what I saw especially if it was another women.

Eyes

Re: My summer forum 18 Aug 2021 18:30 #371718

  • AlexEliezer
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In any case what would you do?

If you knew someone may have psychological issue, are you going to ruin a possible shidduch?



 
I have seen too many spouses whose lives are miserable due to a spouse with psych issues.  My approach is the same as yours.  I don't get involved.  If it's meant to be, it will need to come from someone else.

Re: My summer forum 18 Aug 2021 18:45 #371719

  • YeshivaGuy
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eyes wrote on 16 Aug 2021 03:24:
Hi Everyone,
BH had a pretty good day.
I took my family to a park with a splash pad. (it has running water with fountains in a park, and people come dressed for swimming and dance around on the pad) BH I was able to look and BH that was really good. 

But at the end of the day was a bit hard not with shmiras einayim thou.
I want to put it out there. I know this may be a thing for the BB forum, but I really want to know what the bochurim have to say as well.

I have a sister in law that is older than me by a few months. I am BH 32. She is not yet married. There is a guy who has been bugging me for over a year to set up a date for him. I always said that I am not involved and that he should go directly to my father in law the girls father. So he is about 14 years older than her (turning 47) went to my father in law and asked him to date his daughter. My father in law told him "I am not involved in her shidduchim", which he really is. Now this guy has never been married and he really does. Unfortunately he has other issues as well. So because he was told by the girls own father that he is not in charge of her shidduchim, so the man called me and called other cousins to my wife and tried to get them to match him up. Everyone knowing him pushed him off and said that they are not getting involved. But this guy wont relent, so he called one of the senior cousin and asked him to set up a date. So this senior cousin told this guy that he should speak to his father. His father the uncle of my wife and sister in law is a prominant rov and posek, who is highly sought after. 
Today this guy who wants to date my sister in law calls me up and said that the senior cousin said to call his father and this guy asked me to call on his behalf. 
I knew that my wife would not be supportive of this phone call. But if you realize through the whole story, that nobody wants to set him up. But he doesnt get the point, because nobody is saying a flat no, including the girls own father. 
So I decided that I need to put an end to this story. As my sister in law is running through this guys head 24/7 and he thinks he still has a chance because nobody has told him no. 
So tonight I picked up the phone and called my wife's uncle to tell him that his own son (the senior cousin) said that it should go to his father. So the uncle a very smart man took the reins and helped me stop this whole parsha by telling this guy the following. "I gave it over to the uncle and if they think it is something to pursue then they will get back to you." the conversation was done.
My wife heard the whole conversation and she extrapolated that I think that it is a good shidduch. For over an hour I had to convince her that I didnt think so, and I just needed to stop this whole thing and help this guy realize that it is time to move on. She thinks and as much as I tried to explain it to her that everyone has been pushing this guy off and not telling him to stop. Everyone is giving him false hopes that there still may be a chance of him marrying her.
I am hurt and insulted that my wife is not giving me the benifit of the doubt and weighing me on the kaf zechus that I am really trying to help this guy and her sister move on But she doesnt see what I am trying to say.

In any case what would you do?
If you knew someone may have psychological issue, are you going to ruin a possible shidduch?
ANy rabbonim on this site?

Thanks for your input

EYES

It really depends what type of psychological issues.
If the guy is on meds for like depression and he’s stable then I’d say no problem. I know many quality guys here in Yeshiva who are on meds for anxiety/depression and are completely stable and normal.
Other more intense stuff which aren’t controlled is a whole dif shaila.

Re: My summer forum 22 Aug 2021 21:00 #371807

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Dear Friends 
I just wanted to update you.
On Friday I had a very hard day. Wont get into details and almost fell after 760+ days.
Thank G-D my internet went blank and I couldnt google another word.
On shabbos I got the third aliya which talks about putting a fence on your roof. I realized if I dont have a fence then the next thing is forbidden relations R"L. Which is what follows right after talking about the fence. The fence doesnt only mean a fence but also a fence around what could CV make someone fall and that is the internet
So today I called gentech and got it all sorted out.
Hoping all goes well from here.

Hatzlacha you all
I could be maarich a different time

EYES

Re: My summer forum 23 Aug 2021 20:26 #371833

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ABout the shidduch Question. I'd do the same as you. Apparently no one thought it was good so you ended it using the nicest way possible.
about youRe wife... If you guys love each other in sure ull be able to get it sorted out. It may take a little time...
I'm still a bochor but that's my guess... 
All the bEst!! 

Re: My summer forum 24 Aug 2021 01:00 #371840

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ABout the shidduch Question. I'd do the same as you. Apparently no one thought it was good so you ended it using the nicest way possible.
about you'Re wife... If you guys love each other in sure you'll be able to get it sorted out. It may take a little time...
I'm still a bochor but that's my guess... 
All the bEst!!

I agree.
The suggestion was for her sister. The guy has been bugging me and my wife's first cousins to set him up.
BH we do love each other, but my wife asked me many times not to help him out with this thing because my wife eye witnessed an interaction with this guy involved. People around were saying lots of negative things about him, and my wife said not for my sister.  
But he hasnt called me in a few weeks. I think he contacted my wife's uncle and the uncle told him that there is a 15 year gap and it is not matim.

Thanks 

Re: My summer forum 24 Aug 2021 01:04 #371841

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BH today was pretty good.
I didnt google anything even though I really want to and my wife isnt here and her computer is 100% open.
Today when I was going to pick up my son I saw a man shirtless and very muscular. 
I do exercises and I try to stay in shape. As a kidney donor I really have to be in optimal shape as it is good for my only kidney. I really wanted to take another look, but I realized its not tznius, so i turned away and made the guy not an object.
BH I am not same sex attraction but when I see a photo or live person with a six pack its a bit of a trigger.
I guess the summer is not all about how the women dress but also about the men.
Hatzlacha everyone.
And good luck with the beginning of the new school year
Thanks everyone

EYES

Re: My summer forum 25 Aug 2021 03:03 #371881

  • eyes
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BH today was another wonderful day.
was in front of my wife's computer for over 2 hours doing work, as her computer is connected to the printer for scanning purposes and BH BH BH I didnt go on anything bad. Just looked for sales on mens cloths that I need.
Then took my kids to my parents and then helped with supper and went to daven.

Thanks you all
 eyes

Re: My summer forum 25 Aug 2021 04:28 #371884

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Very impressive and inspiring. However is there a way to lighten the nisayon by getting a consistent filter set up? Or can you text a chaver when you go on to an unfiltered device and the text again when safely off?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

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