Im probably not one of the usual type of people who post on this forum, but I decided that it was the most fitting one to put this new subject in. You do not have to respond if you don't want to. I'm just looking to get my struggles off of my chest. Now you might be wondering : this guy has a 119 day streak going. How can he possibly be struggling? 

well it started I'd say a little over a week after I got to 90. I already knew that 90 wasn't going to be the end of the journey and I had to really be even more careful now that I didn't have the motivation of getting to 90 anymore. I told myself that I would still keep coming onto this site everyday, but life has been busy lately (in a good way) so I haven't been able to do that very much at all. And lately I can kind of feel myself slipping a little. The last 2 Wednesday's I came dangerously close to falling. The only reasons why there are still 3 numbers up on my streak are 1)my filtered browsers, which Baruch Hashem work even better than I thought they would, and 2)the fact that I haven't messed up in so long, which has made me a lot more hesitant to fall than I used to be. But even just last night I woke up randomly, and before I was fully awake I began touching myself in a place I shouldn't be touching. Once I fully woke up and realized what I was doing I stopped and went back to sleep. But then I had a dream that I fell and it felt so terrifyingly real that I thought it actually did happen until I woke up and breathed a huge sigh of relief. 

All of this might seem pretty bad for someone who has made it this far, but I don't want anyone reading this to get discouraged from trying to get up to where I am. Clearly, the battle never ends and you must always be careful. But getting to 90 is still a huge achievement. The 2 times I almost fell would for sure have been falls for me in the past. But once you get to this point it may be easy to slip but it's harder to fall. During those 2 times I could feel almost every part of me screaming against falling, because it was against everything I had worked so hard for and still am working for. It may be trickier for me now but I know it's just a phase and I'll get through it. As Shlomo's ring said: "This too shall pass. "

thanks so much for reading. Good luck to everyone on their battles!! 

Amazing post! you're a real inspiration for all of us.

If I may ask, do you act as a mentor for other people that are struggling?
Now that you're "post 90" , you can use your experience to help others grow as well. Besides the big zechus, it can also help you a lot. 

This is not just about Teshuvah, and it's not even just about helping others. This is about your own personal recovery. There is no better way to assure your own long term sobriety than to be in constant contact with the Guard Your Eyes community and to be helping others every day. Whether it is by being an accountability partner or sponsor for someone else who is struggling, or whether it is through posting on the forum, we are needed out there - and we need the others out there even more.

Not only is helping others a great therapy for our own struggles, but also "Midah kineged Midah", the more we help others heal and spread the GYE message of Teshuvah and hope, Hashem will surely help us in ways we never imagined possible!

#makelifegreatagain wrote on 24 May 2021 17:39:

You're absolutely right that the battle continues. I fell just before my 3 year anniversary and another member has recently said the same. However, I do feel there are qualitative differences. When I was in the 90 (maybe even the first 180) I was still grabbing on. Then it settled into a rhythm. However, it was only then I could really start paying attention to the old-timers (shout out to Cordnoy) who talked about the wife and bedroom stuff and I really began to understand. So in truth, for me, life only begins at 90 

(just editing this) I pressed a wrong button and got that spoiler thing - not sure what I did :-) 

DavidT wrote on 24 May 2021 17:55:

Thanks so much! 

Ive never really thought about being a mentor because I want to make sure I've got all of my own troubles taken care of before I even think about doing that. But I do go around the forums from time to time and try to read about what other people are going through, and sometimes I'll even try to help them. It's such an awesome feeling when you give someone advice or post something inspirational and it has a big affect on them. I can see why you like doing it so much!!

Thanks again for the advice. I'll definitely give some thought to being a mentor once I feel like I'm in a good place with my battles. 

Please keep in mind that being a mentor actually helps you with your own battles. It's extremely powerful.