Rt234 wrote on 24 Aug 2021 15:11:

I don't have a relationship with her, I just fantasize about her a lot. It's already cut off, it never even really started, still hasn't helped me.

My relationship with my wife is excellent.

I do have problems that my wife can't fix and I don't expect her to so yes I do need someone else (although it doesn't have to be in the form of another woman).

I learn all day (10 hours mostly retzufos), thanks! My day is filled with good things. Still doesn't fill any holes or me unless I do my work on filling them.

All the best, thanks for responding.

On the topic with that woman. 
I think I can relate to the idea of what your saying, and ill try to explain the way I see it.

feeling unworthy without just ourselves, we need something we do special, especially to others to make us feel worthy.
when we find someone that is vulnerable and the6 see us as the special man for them, in the way we wanna be seen, in order to feel worthy, it just fills that hole, we suddenly feel worthy and living. And when we dont have it in real life, our minds keeps on wandering back to that fantasy.... seeing myself help her in such a meaningful way, and that thankful eyes.... the feeling of worthiness, if we cannot have it in reality, then our minds push us to the comfort of fantasy.
it can happen it aall sorts of ways, sometimes when we hear about someone that really needs money, and we imagine being rich enough to provide the whole wedding... or seeing a bucher OTD and I will be his friend to bring him back on track... etc etc.
So I dont necessarily see it as a lust issue per se, it's a general "unworthy feeling of our reality selves" issue.

Sapy wrote on 24 Aug 2021 18:27:

Exactly, except that when it's a girl it tends to lend to lust getting involved and often even taking over. 

More Pesach cleaning...

Made a contract until Shabbos.

When u say you need "something else" what do u mean.
is there a problem Wich you have and she can't fix or there's a problem that you have with her that she can fix?
If you have a problem with her maybe it's because
when a person is watching porn and/or fantasizing about other women, that might be the problem when it comes to you're wife. Because the whole time you are thinking of everything you can have with all you're fantazies. so when you get you're wife and she's not what you have always dreamt of that may be were you are going wrong with you're wife.
(I may be wrong I don't know thethe situation).
or maybe its something else.
And in terms oF you're learning it sounds amazing!
Maybe try to make it more lishma maybe that'll help.
Just giving suggestions...
All the best!!

Rt234 wrote on 26 Aug 2021 16:26:

Thanks. How long are you married? Have you read through my threads?

Do these suggestions work for you? 

My wife is amazing. I haven't seen porn since well before my wedding. I have issues outside my marriage that affects how I relate to people. Read through the beginning of this thread, I am not going to bore you here with the details. 

Do you learn all day? How do you learn not lishmah at 28 years old? You know someone who learns full time married with kids for another reason?

Thanks again for your response, I am trying to figure out where you are going with your post. What do you do to get through your day? What works for you?

I'm not saying that anything apllies to you. I only intended to just give possible suggestions. 
And I Think I did read you're thread not Not Recently. I'll iyh read it over.
And I'm Not Married It WAS based on common sense.
But Again, as I said it may not apply to you as it was just possible suggestions.
All the best!!

New contract until Monday night. 

The initial few days after a fall is really mesiras nefesh, sometimes the type that I don't have the strength for. Additionally, I am experiencing a loss which has made things much harder. I need this extra push but I am only doing it in 2-3 day increments. 

I texted my deal to someone I am very close with and he is an amazing source of support plus the extra accountability.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 24 Aug 2021 16:52:

Regarding filling the holes, I find that after being in SA for 6 weeks calling multiple people a day and being honest with them with what I'm feeling, have urges for or am upset about, it helps a ton. I can't talk as much about that stuff with my wife (or at least in my mind I can't). It's made a huge difference

I find it fascinating and scary at the same time how much you are self aware as well as how you can articulate your feelings and emotions. This is also true when you are helping others on the forum.  You can explain in detail all the good and all the bad and separate the real from the smoke and mirrors in a way that few can.
You are such an inspiration for me (and everyone here) and one of the main reasons I have made it to 90.
Thank you so much for being you!
When I first came on GYE you were my hero... you were holding at 170+ days and I related a lot with your story.
Now that you are trying to get through a rough patch, you haven't been minimized in my eyes in the slightest. On the contrary, now we can learn from one of the greats and not feel that we are so far away, like when a major leaguer is doing rehab from an injury and spends a fey days on the AAA  team. 
Sorry for the long post... I just feel its my duty to publicly thank you for what you mean to me!

Hard day today. A lot of pressure to be "good" today during aseres yimei teshuva and it has really gotten the better of me. I decided that being good was too hard, kind of like white knuckling I guess. I don't feel like it, I am just forcing myself to be extra good not sure if it's backfiring or not.

Gam zeh ya'avor.

Just a random thought, I was listening to a shiur and the Rav was saying that we are all gilgulim which means that we asked to come back down to work on something that we didn't do the last time. He said that it's possible that if lust is a major struggle for someone, that means that last time that person failed his tests in lust and asked to return to fix it. But he then said something that struck a chord with me. He asked that if I failed with lust the last time, why would they put me back down here in this generation where lust is such a struggle?

He said that it's possible that in a previous generation, we failed because we didn't have the proper tools and support. Today, it's true that lust is rampant but at the same time people are more are more aware and help is more available. It could be that we are here specifically in this time where we can get help for our issues.

I thought that was pretty cool.

Hope you guys are all having a great aseres yimei teshuva

Wilnevergiveup

There is a famous mashel there was once a doctor in a hospital that had a crisis one day that the oxygen stopped working on the floor and he started running from one room to the other and he managed to save five patients and ten died.
afterwards they held him accountable for it, so he said that I did the best possible and he was right. But they told him your duty wasn't to run from room to room your duty was to pull the alarm that there is an emergency.

sometimes we try to do it ourselves and it's not working, then our duty is to pull the bell, go for help ask people who have been there.
And it's not easy sometimes it's takes a lot of courage to reach out it's not comfortable but that's our ovodah. We need to say my work is not to fight, only to reach out for help. 
But of course help is not a cure you are the person responsible and no one could do it for you, but part of what you need is support direction tools.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 10 Sep 2021 14:43:

I'm no kabbalist but maybe also every little bit of overcoming is worth so much more since it's much harder now. So a lot can be fixed up. Even if we have a spotty record even now.

Another random thought, Don't ask me how this came up. Every so often, there are some guys on this forum who get all worked up about how frum women dress and how inconsiderate they are to guys who are attracted to them.

So I was thinking, what would be if I was a woman, how would I dress? 

Now, this question is a drop deeper. Sexual pleasure is the strongest sensation of expression that we can feel (so says my therapist). The way woman dress for a female is also a strong sense of expression, so I was wondering if all of us guys, who are missing something so deep that we express ourselves with compulsive sexual desires would in fact be woman how would we desire to express ourselves?

I'd say we would be in much bigger trouble than the women we are complaining about. 

Like I said, it was random. Don't worry, I'd still rather be a guy with guy problems but I am just saying, don't judge another until you stand in there shoes.

This may be slightly triggering so I put it in a spoiler...
Moving along, this past week I was super crazy careful and was feeling very pressured so for the last two days I decided to calm down and let things go in and out. Basically to not overstress about not looking. I committed not to act on any urges and not to fantasize about sex but to allow myself to have an urge and not to push it away. It's a little triggering but has allowed me to stay much more relaxed about this during this high stress time. I guess this is what I have always been hearing that there is nothing wrong with having an urge, that is how Hashem made us. There is something wrong with acting upon them. I think this just clicked. 

Still having a hard time with second looks under this new dogma but I am trying not to stress about anything related so I am just letting the images flow in and then out. (I am referring to stuff on the street, obviously this doesn't give you the full rights to go look at whatever you want in order to not stress...)

Either way, I hope you guys are all hanging in there.

Wilnevergiveup