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I don’t get it
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

TOPIC: I don’t get it 1422 Views

I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 04:13 #353175

  • Taharat Yisrael
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I’ve been struggling with Zerah levatala for years with very limited infrequent access to porn. Now I have very very strong taavos just a few days in- sometimes with no real triggers. I always try to occupy myself or to distract myself. I know the חז״ל Of מושחיהו לבית המדרש. I have a very strong filter and I still want to masturbate סתם. I don’t really know what to do so I can work up to two weeks even.

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 04:36 #353177

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It is very normal in the beginning to feel that strong pressure to masturbate. It is a form of withdrawal. Also many of us believe(d) that ejaculation is a need so since we are eventually going to cave in and do it anyway, why fight? BH hanging around here we learn to rewire our thoughts and realize that although pleasurable, there is no need. My advice to you is stay connected. Post often and read through other forums. Connection, focus, and accountability are real game changers. Hatzlocha b'ezras Hashem
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 04:39 #353179

  • Grant400
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Hi there Taharat Y!

Can you share with us a little more background? Are you a bachur, if you tried to stop in the past, what are your reasons to stop...etc. this way everyone can pinpoint advice based on their experiences. 

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 07:19 #353180

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Triggers don't have to be inappropriate material. For some it can be showering, or even just bring up late in a certain spot. 
Something I learned the hard way...
Hatzlacha and keep up the good work!

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 07:32 #353182

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Yes. I’m a Bachur from a Hesder Yeshiva( currently in the army but returning to yeshiva in a year). I’ve been trying to stop since mid high school. My reasons are that it is אסור and that it makes me feel unhappy.

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 07:38 #353183

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Bring up late?  
I know. I’m often just overwhelmed by tension even without something I saw. Boredom often gets me but I find don’t have many kosher outlets. Not everyone has a constant חשק to learn. Even when I do learn, I have a strong Yetzer Harah (since the Torah is a תבלין) one can say that the Yetzer Harah works extra hard to distract me.

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 13:23 #353187

Hi Taharat Yisroel,
I'm also a bachur in yeshiva, (though not hesder), and there are quite a few on this site, so you should know you're not alone.
You mention not having many kosher outlets. is that because of corona, or just in general you're not outgoing? If its the second option, what do you normally do to keep yourself busy?
Hatzlocha

(I think Jj123 meant being up late. If one is up late he can feel he is alone, and so is more likely to act out.)

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 13:25 #353188

  • Grant400
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Thank you Taharat Yisroel. Your courage and will to conquer this is obvious and will make you achieve a victory IY"H!

First of all you are harping on the Torah Tavlin aspect. Correct me if I'm wrong but it seems you feel that you can/should be learning better and you are intertwining the two aspects. Obviously if the gemara says it, its true but let's speak on a mundane level. Let us say you aren't learning as much as you can, you still can be pure in this area. (And when clean inevitably you will learn better).Here is what I suggest. You wrote a very good reason, that it makes you feel unhappy in addition to knowing its assur. Unfortunately, as we know knowing its assur sometimes isn't enough. What you should do is sit down with a pen and a paper and list all the reasons why you want to break this habit, why it makes you unhappy. Then in another column write all the reasons why you want to continue. Weigh the pros and cons. What you will find is that technically you are sacrificing greater happiness and longlasting pleasure for short term small bursts of enjoyment with long aftereffects of unhappiness. Surely you will feel on an intellectual AND emotional levels that technically the pleasure of sin isn't all you made it out to be in the past. With this nice neat already made decision in your pocket, when you are confronted with desire it will seem easier to say no because it's not anymore a fight of deliciousness vs. religion, enjoyment vs. what you know is wrong, but rather a short few minute animalistic pleasure vs. much longer term pleasure. Now, that's a pretty simple decision. Of course it will be hard but this will definitely make it easier. (It changed everything for me).

Another aspect is to pinpoint when you are triggered like jj123 wrote and try to "diffuse" those situations. For example if it's staying up late then try to go to sleep earlier or get up earlier so you will be more tired at night. If its showering then try to arrange your shower at a time you are in a rush or pressured to finish as quickly as possible for whatever reason. And so on. We must make "tachbulot" to outsmart the yetzer harah. 

Also, post, post, post. Your struggles and successes. Ask questions share feelings and discuss problems. There are so many people here who experienced everything you did and will and are glad to help you with a tip, pat on the back or kick in the pants    .

                         Your friend, 
                                               Grant

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 13:47 #353189

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I am outgoing but don’t really have friends to hang with. I’m in a weird job in the army where i serve every other week. I’m by a friends family now. Sometimes my friend is  home and we can hang but until now he was in yeshiva and I was with his parents. I learn in a local kollel and I am pretty satisfied with my learning but it’s very often not enough to stop hirhurim and anxiety. Getting to bed 11:30 every night is a good solution. 

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 13:56 #353190

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Do you feel that you gain anything when you hold back, or just that you prevented yourself from doing something asur?
In the place where ba’alei teshuva stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. (Rabbi Avohu, Brachos 34b)

Great free resources:
My favorite book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation 
https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation. Change your attitude and change your life!

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: 
https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 14:36 #353191

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Just to build upon what grant400 was saying, the mishna in Avos says:  וֶהֱוֵי מְחַשֵּׁב הֶפְסֵד מִצְוָה כְּנֶגֶד שְׂכָרָהּ, וּשְׂכַר עֲבֵרָה כְנֶגֶד הֶפְסֵדָהּ. 
I think that this exercise is most effective when one actually considers that maybe he should choose to continue with the aveira. If it is forgone conclusion, it doesn't really help as much because the decision comes from a place of guilt rather than strength and resolve. 
Also I relate to alot of what you said here. I'm also a yeshiva guy and the feelings of how learning torah and this aveira seems inseperable make the lows lower when ur in yeshiva. But as grant400 alluded to, even if a connection does exist, it can be harmful to pin everything back in this one issue. Sometimes we are sad because we are sad and lonely because we are lonely and not falling won't magically make it all better.
Hatzlacha rabba and ty for protecting the holy land!

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 14:49 #353192

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I feel very confident. I also have more energy due to hormones at times. That feeling is often a motivator to keep going.

Re: I don’t get it 31 Jul 2020 14:57 #353194

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Hopefully since my friend is home and teaching me music lessons I won’t really struggle with loneliness. I also set learning goals and try to talk with friends in America on the phone.

Re: I don’t get it 01 Aug 2020 23:06 #353215

Hi Taharat Yisroel,

Good to see your resolve is strong. I'm not sure what you meant about the hormones, if your saying they're good or bad. Seems your saying they give you energy, to have the strength to fight. Just thought I'd let you know what someone told me when I told him I struggle with taiva - exercise can help get the right chemicals / hormones out there, and use up the wrong ones. I don't know if its true, nor do I know how much exercise you already do, just an idea I'd thought I'd throw out.

Keep going strong.

יהי רצון שהדברים לתועלת

Today I will do what others won't, so tomorrow I can do what others can't.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit.
We all make choices in life, but in the end, our choices make us.

Re: I don’t get it 02 Aug 2020 06:28 #353228

  • Taharat Yisrael
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I meant that the lack of release gives me an energy boost and a bigger “thrill” than giving in. Unfortunately I fell on Shabbat morning as I woke up with a lot of Taayva and felt  a lot of tension. In the future I’ll go downstairs and hold off till my brain is fully activated. I’m usually able to just make a coffee and start learning till shacharit. At night I repeated an old mistake of staying up late and fell Hard. Not giving up, just moving on- happy that I have a filter and my falls are very limited (without porn). I made it to day 6 and starting with a resolve to make 2 weeks so.. bed by 11:30-no exceptions! 
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