"They tied two cedar trees together with a rope, and tied one of his legs to one cedar and one of his legs to the other cedar, and they released the rope until his head split open. Each tree went back and stood in its place and bar Haddaya split and fell completely split in two." (Brachos 56b)

That's what I feel like many times. The war's so intense. Part of me wishes so strongly to do Hashem's will, it craves to connect with him thru Torah, Tefillah & Avodah, while another part of me so deeply craves all the empty vanities of this world. When I pass a nice car the battle ensues, metzad echad I love nice things, I've got many dreams, metzad sheini give up your dreams of physical beings, it's either Hashem or hunks of steel. The more attached you are to this world, the less connection to the spiritual world, true joy only comes from the source of life, everything else will just bring strife. What kind of life is it, being ruled by your desires, isn't it higher to which you aspire! Oh I love V6 engines V8 even better, leather seats & all the pitchifkes, steak, fancy plates I'd surround myself with opulence if I'd have the assets, my dreams don't stop at reality but travel far beyond, if only I'd have the means, these are a portion of my dreams:
Shabbos night Tablesetting: Stemware of authentic ruby ore, 18kt rosegold cutlery & ivory china on the finest silk  crushed velvet burgundy spread, Sapphire & white gold etc for the morning seudah setting, Emerald & yellow gold for Shalosh Seudos.... Polar bear fur on the celing, leopard skins on the walls, crocodile leather floors, chandelier of African amethyst, citrine & rhodium... you get the picture... I am controlled by my desires, yet my soul aspires to go higher. I feel both sides so strongly, it's a constant battle, but yet my animal soul supersedes & it's cravings do not feed my soul rather the opposite is true. Depression is when the soul smells the scent of death is near, not because it doesn't care. It's being choked to death by being cut of from G-d. Help me! Save me! A life of goodness! What I could be! I never ever want to leave you, bring me back cause I need you! Although I'm low & falling down, I seek you, I need you I never ever ever ever want to leave you!!! Oh, would you take me back homw to the city of gold, take me into your arms, rescue me from this place of death, I can only start, it's up to you the rest. Help me give you my best, I'm drowning in my tears, yes I know it's been many times that I've lowered myself into the evil inclinations steel claws, about to be smashed by his razor sharp jaws. But rescue me again, for your patience is endless, no matter how many times I'm so foolish & lose my way, to you I can always pray. Help me! Raise me up! Rescue me from my body's grip! I can feel you know more, I'm already under the floor. I've dirtied myself with the worst, please clean me off. Like an infant dependent on it's mother so are we to you, without you we can make no move. I gotta go now, though I've got so much more to say, cry & pray. So I shall be back soon with your good grace.

So Long, With Intense Burning Love & Shame,

Swift Eagle just the same

Several thoughts on the matter you brought up. 
The intensity of how you describe each feeling and desire shows how much you struggle and feel inside of yourself. While uncomfortable it reveals what strength you do have within yourself,  for HaShem doesn't give a challenge that a person doesn't have the ability to fight (as I write these words I laugh because it's something that I need to work on)  Maybe you will answer that you are at fault for embracing these urges early on and allowing  it to grow in such size, but remember we live in an Olam hasheker/a world of deceit. One can't go daled amos without something advertising that they are bigger greater or more luxurious. You want to have the best Pesach, look we have 20 options of decadence each one out doing the other.  Your living room is to dull, well open the magazine to see advertisements promoting the finest and greatest. Plus to end it all off you can even go to the bathroom in style with the top of the line designs. We are saturated in indulgence and the fact that you feel the need to fight it is a strength. 

What is worse than having these feelings? Not having feelings at all. We also live in a society that is "Meh" in their attitude for change and growth. I missed minyan this morning....eh I;ll make it up tomorrow. I shove food in my mouth and shove the bracha out even faster, not thinking where this food came from and from whom I really need to say thanks....and bracha achronah.......I think I made one...not sure. We do this, ripping through our lives like a car speeding on the raceway, taking no care to see the trees or smell the flowers. Only to find out we are closer to death and yet have little to show. The pains of your struggles are the scars of victory and each battle fought is another malach created waiting to defend you in shamayim. 

Speaking of mincha, have to go. Keep up the good fight. Remember you are loved each step of the way and with each positive choice you are growing.    

NathanfromNY wrote on 23 Jul 2020 23:56:

   Hey there "NathanfromNY", thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Your words of encouragement are so true & you get my mindset so well. You could've taken the words "Maybe you will answer that you are at fault for embracing these urges early on and allowing  it to grow in such size" straight from my mouth!
Though I still have a really hard time with the train of thought: "What is worse than having these feelings? Not having feelings at all. We also live in a society that is "Meh" in their attitude for change and growth" I've been told that for many years already, yet it offers me little consolation & don't see much positive in it, for I see it as another negative in my favor I have such strong desperate feelings to go in good ways, yet despite them I don't. I am so so so far away from where perhaps I could be if I'd man up somehow. It just echos in my mind the Chazal: Reshaim meleiim charatos. The Evil ones are filled with remorse = because they're in the grip of their yeitzer & are stuck there despite their inner will to do & be good... Although I don't know how to relate that to another Maamer Chazal: Sheva Yipol Tzadik V'kom= the rasha falls & gives up, while the tzadik falls many many times & keeps on getting up. I don't know where I stand. I keep giving up & I keep getting up. I can learn 10 hours a day & I could not be able to get myself to learn a word. I can daven bkavana & ne'eimus every word slow & I can not be able to get myself to do more than putting on just tefillin & a speedy shmone esrei without birchas krias shema or anything else. I feel great when i at least get the tallis on as well!
When driving down the road, I feel as if the overpowering numbers of evil malachim I 've created are lining the sides of the road waiting for the opportunity to crash my car. Okay, I don;t think of it so graphically but you get the gist of what I feel like about the balance of Malachim I feel I've created over the years. I look forward to being able to be zoche at least to gehenim rather than kaf hakela or total krisus. I know my outlook is harsh & that I aim too high, I'm working on deprogramming myself from my upbringing's unhealthy attitudes & unrealistic ideals... I'm pretty sure the only way I'm still a frum jew today is because of my constant tefillah at the end of shemoneh esrei "Hashem please help me be a good jew!" Arrrrgh! It's SOO frustrating! I gotta go to Maariv, I'm going to be late already, although that would still be an improvement over the 75% of the time that I don't even make it to shul

May Hashem be with us all,

Swift Eagle

I've been sitting here for about an half an hour deciding how to answer back. So much of what you said hits home for me in a lot of ways and I'm trying to figure out how much to share or even what is appropriate to share to give a full picture of what I see. Anyway here is what comes to mind. (I'm going to work backwards and probably won't get through everything you said)

First of..."May Hashem be with us all." .......    !!!!!! אמן  . I think that is something we all want to happen while we all try to get control and try to understand all of this.  After all this is why we are here, because despite what ever we may have done in the past, HaShem wants us to return. (Of which I will go into more detail after I work back wards) 

Next.....Yes, all those negative malachim that we have created. Which is something I avoid thinking about a lot since the enormity scares me. Every so often I stop to think about it and face the music so to speak and it hits me like a ton of bricks.Just now, I think just two days ago in fact) I'm looking up the negative consequences of " הוצאת זרע לבטלה" and not getting any good news that makes me feel good. I think about how many times I must have indulged in this sin and I wonder how on earth can I undo this? To make things worse I also suffer from SSA and in my youth I had several encounters with other boys my age. It was nowhere is bad of what happens out there. It was mostly curiosity and mutual  הוצאת זרע לבטלה.  It was horrible because you know you need to get help since this was too big for me to handle but on the other hand if I do say anything I will get expelled and that would be the end of my Yeshiva world. So long story short they did find out and I was expelled, The day they called me into the Office to break the news, they seemed very disappointed in me. In fact the wording was, it would have been better if I jumped in front of a moving truck before allowing myself to do such things.  As my life was falling apart (since my Yeshiva was my refuge from dysfunctional family life) I couldn't miss the irony that it was not that long prior that I almost got hit by a van. It was stupid, I was running late for shacharis, so occupied tucking in my shirt as i crossed i wasn't even aware of the danger I was in until I heard the tires screech and I looked up inches away from the van. So back to the office, my world in shambles, and I was told that I should have thrown myself in traffic and yet.....G-d saved me weeks prior, knowing all too well of the things that I had done. At 19 I didn't know how to process this. Fast forward, a lot of therapy, a lot of growth and a lot of ups and down.  I have not acted out and my focus has been on making my body a kli kodesh, or as close as i can to being one. I won't lie when I tell you that I am afraid to die, of what might be waiting for me at the other end. Yet HaShem keeps on returning my soul each morning. My wife and kids are motivation on me trying to be the best I can. And while I fear my consequences I also am working on being sad that I disappointed G-d who wants me to be more. Therefore I keep moving forward. Teshuvah is a powerful tool and I have been able to develop a relationship with God  as a process. So when the voices get into my head and say that I will never be able to do  enough to fix / undo my past....I say that I don't care and just take it one step at a time. 

End result. I can relate to you on many levels but know that we all have our journey that we must travel . G-d brought you back this morning because he feel that this world needs you, and I will bet that G-d will be doing this tomorrow and for many days. In the meanwhile you will rise and you will fall. Each time you will be a better person because you keep on trying. The more you regret out of fear, HaShem will blot out those malachim and the more you regret out of love, they will be converted into mitvos. Plus the more you share, there will be  someone who reads your posts will be inspired and in the moment of temptation he will stop because of the impact you have had on him.

NathanfromNY wrote on 24 Jul 2020 05:37:

Nathan - You are a holy yid. 

NathanfromNY wrote on 24 Jul 2020 05:37:

Nathan, your outlook & courage are inspiring! That experience at age 19 must have been absolutely & devastatingly crushing to say the least! 

I  had a similar occurrence at age 18 where I was going to a therapist for inyanei kedusha struggles, in the course of which I revealed mortifying past actions with another relative (also similar to what you described), wanting to get that individual help if they needed it. The therapist though it a good idea, though he left it up to me to decide. I chose to approach my father & share it with him so that he can get help for this other person if needed. It was excruciatingly difficult to open up to him about it. I started the conversation by asking my father to please not give me Musser on what I'm about to share as I am doing so out of my free choice in order to help get another jew help (which weighed down very heavily on me) & it is very difficult for me. He listened to what I had to say & then rather than encouraging me, lifting me up & helping me further in my journey to recovery, he spent two hours on the clock smashing whatever remained of my sense of self to smithereens & heaping extra helpings of guilt upon the crushing load I had already been carrying for so many years. He's a good man, though ill. He's got a good heart, yet a crushed ego & a desperate need to control others & knock them down in order to feel superior. It was around then that I gave up for the first time on my uphill battle in yiddishkeit & started loosening up & letting things slide. From the age of 12 I was battling myself to achieve unrealistic goals and levels in yiddishkeit & perfectionism. I started regularly skipping davening with minyan... thinking of stopping to wear a yarmulka... Hashem rescued me for that slide to the depths. My father perhaps realized that he came down too hard & attempted to repair the damage by spending the summer with me... Yeah, I opened up much more over the summer & shared with him how a couple of years before I had recurring thoughts that perhaps the tremendous pain I was experiencing was because I am Moshiach & I'm not sure if I shared with him that I made a feeble attempt of suicide as well in that era. And that two years earlier I davend a very intense Maariv on the roof of a building, especially the brachos of U'lYirushalaim Ircha & Es Tzemach David to the point where half of my body went completely physically numb... It was a BIG mistake to open up to him to say the least... He only used the additional information to further denigrate anything & everything about me, basically telling me I shouldn't make the mistake of thinking I've ever served Hashem yet...  I'm learning to relate to yiddishkeit in a healthier way by speaking to a therapist weekly... My daily feelings are "Baruch Hashem Yom Yom!", "Mimamakim Kira'Sicha Hashem!" & Hashem Ro'ee Lo Echsar...Gam Ki Eileich B'gei Tzalmaves Lo eera Ra! Except that I'm also always afraid of Hashem rejecting me and not being my Shepard because of my evil :devil:ways & many strays & yes having much to fear, if I am so far although he's so near. (Though I realize that I've picked up that attitude from my father) I'm a mixed bag. Half eaten bissli with ketchup. Yup, one thing I've been blessed with is an imagination. My feelings fluctuate so widely from hour to hour & minute to minute. I can feel like I'm the worst, cause I came in quite late to davening & yet later in the same day, gloat over & feel superior to the ehrliche guy who came to the minyan three minutes late. What am I? Who am I? Where am I? I don't know. One moment I'm spiritually awake the next asleep... Go to davening on time & then choosing to just daven byechidus...  I feel like it's a battle where for every step forward I take two back so that over the years I'm falling lower and lower... HASHEM HHEELLP US!!!! We are drowning in the Dor HaMabul! R' Tzadok HaKohen writes that the Dor of Mashiach is K'neged the dor hamabul & their rectification. In that Dor, even Malachim who came down here got caught up (Azza & Uzzie?l I think)... What does that say for us Mortals? I feel that the ultimate lesson I can take along from my experience, is that we have ZERO power, absolutely ZERO! Even over ourselves. Only Hashem has power & our job is too CHOOSE to do good & beseech him to give us the power to carry out! That would be a 360 degree turn from my mode of operation & deeply ingrained mindset of many years in which I attempted to achieve TOTAL & robotic control over myself & wouldn't have been satisfied with acheiving Moshe Rabbeinu's mad'reiga too . True, I davend hard as well, but it wasnt with the inner understanding that I NEED HIM! That I cannot weld control over even myself on my own. I've heard the concepts & believed them, though hadn't internalized it. Now I'm STARTING, only Starting to internalize it & truly realize that I AM POWERLESS, & ONLY HASHEM, CREATOR & SUSTAINER OF ALL HAS ALL THE POWER. And he can do anything! He can raise us up from 50 below to 50 above in less than the blink of an eye. May it be his will to do so soon! 

Mi K'amcha Yisroel G'oi E'chad Ba'aretz!
There is none like us!

Good Shabbos to Klal Yisroel
(& no, I'm not Mashiach!, )

Yours truly,
Swift Eagle

If you'd permit me, I'd like to heartily echo Dave M's sentiment:
Nathen, (if I can say) you are a holy yid! You are Hashem's Beloved & we are all one!

I struggled with this one for many years. Certain people started realizing that taivah was rampant and would constantly stress this message that it's all our fault for causing our desires. They were probably doing this as part of an attempt to convince people to not have computers or to filter them. But still, the thought was traumatizing. Anything that's hard for me is my own fault. And if it's hard and I fall, it's as if I fell when it was easy, because I activated my desires and made it hard for me. And if I succeed, it's no big deal because it's as if I succeeded when it was easy, because I'm the one who made it hard for me.

It took time till I found that these ideas were so twisted and wrong. I wanted to share with you some clips from The Battle of the Generation that every time I read I feel is speaking directly to me. (
guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation)

From Appendix A:
"The yetzer hara’s next trick is to convince you that you are on your own because you caused this challenging situation to happen. He tells you that Hashem never intended for you to face these challenges, and that you made yourself into the person you are. Therefore, when the struggle is difficult, there can be no sympathy for you — after all, you made it hard for yourself.
    With this argument, the yetzer hara again tries to make you feel horrible. He places more blame upon you than you deserve in an attempt to crush you. He tries to make you feel undeserving of any understanding. Trying to paralyze you into inaction, he tells you that no consideration can be given to how challenging it was because it is all your fault.
    It’s true that we need to realize that our actions ultimately have far-reaching consequences, and that we must consider those potential ramifications before making decisions. Nevertheless, you must remember that you did not intend to get yourself into your current situation. You didn’t realize what would result, and you didn’t plan on making things so hard. You did not bring this upon yourself on purpose. Therefore, you should not feel too bad for getting yourself into this situation.
    Most of the decisions that led to our desires awakening were subtle ones. The bad consequences of the choices we made were not evident. Even if we faintly suspected that this option could strengthen our desires down the road, giving something up solely because it could lead to problems is quite difficult. We struggle to see the future as a reality and we don’t see trouble coming. It takes a lot of work to comprehend that our seemingly innocent decision will bring about real issues. It takes even more work to make these feelings strong enough for us to overpower our desires. If we did not reach that elite level, of course we didn’t want to give up what we wanted to do for “no gain.” And while that doesn’t make it right, it is the reason we made those choices that make it so tough now.
    In addition, though they were not as strong as our desires now are, we were nonetheless pulled by strong desires when we gave in earlier. Our desires swayed us to make those choices. We did not make those wrong decisions without challenge, and we must not make believe otherwise.
    Now that we realize the ramifications of our earlier actions, we should just wish we had chosen differently, accept that we didn’t, and move forward. The situation we are in is the reality, and that is not changing. Rather than feeling hopeless and giving up, we must prepare ourselves to fight this difficult battle that we are so fortunate to have. Let’s forget the past and stop worrying about any accountability that we might or might not have for those choices, especially when we didn’t intend for their outcome. Those choices are in the past and are no longer relevant, especially now that we have repented for them.
    Anyway, any culpability we have for increasing our desires is part of our previous actions. It is not a new claim against us for the challenging situations that have arisen. Now that we have regretted and repented for those previous mistakes, our teshuva has not only erased the sins themselves, but has also wiped away any blame for causing our current situation. Thus, it is considered as if Hashem brought our challenges upon us without our involvement.
    Finally, now that we are where we are and face the extreme challenges that we must overcome, we should realize the tremendous opportunity we have. Our challenges are now much harder than they were before, and thus we have an unprecedented opportunity for greatness! The fact that we caused the difficulty does not take away one bit from the incredible accomplishments we will attain if we stand strong. (See Chapter 21.)"

From Chapter 21:
"The Gemara (Berachos 34b) relates: Rabbi Avahu taught that in the place where ba’alei teshuva (people who have repented) stand, even pure tzaddikim who never sinned cannot stand. This means that pure tzaddikim cannot reach the level of those who have done teshuva. This is hard to understand. Why should a person who never messed up be lower than one who ran after sin and only later repented? A person who never sinned should be far greater than someone who repented!
    The Rambam (Hilchos Teshuva 7:4) explains that by sinning, ba’alei teshuva activated their desires and became more susceptible to the pull of sin. Their desires are many times stronger than those of a person who never sinned. For them to win their battles, they must exert much more effort.
    People who have gotten caught up in the web of desire face extremely difficult battles. Seemingly innocuous situations awaken their desires, and suddenly they feel, “I want it! I need it! I can’t live without it!” The intensity cannot be fathomed by one who has never faced such desires. It takes much more strength for the ba’alei teshuva to win, and that’s why they are higher than those who never sinned.
    In a similar vein, the Tomer Devorah (Chapter 1) answers that because their challenges have become so strong, ba’alei teshuva cannot get by with the safeguards of those who have never sinned. Ba’alei teshuva have already breached those barriers. They are susceptible to urges that others don’t experience, and their desires are more powerful. The safeguards of those who never sinned are not enough to hold them back. They must set up fences that go far beyond those safeguards, and they must be careful to avoid situations that might trigger their desires. This extra effort to implement these safeguards puts the ba’alei teshuva on a higher level than those who never sinned.
    At this point, it should be clear that the lower we have fallen, the higher we can reach. We should never be discouraged by where we are holding or think it is too late. We shouldn’t think of ourselves as lowly sinners, doomed to bear our scars and be inferior forever. Rather, we should be excited about our opportunity, because we can reach much higher than those who haven’t fallen and don’t experience the challenges we face. We can become great! Though it takes great effort, if we appreciate our opportunity, we will be excited to succeed.
    The posuk in Michah (7:8) says, “My enemies should not rejoice over my fall, because I have risen up. Though I sit in darkness, Hashem is a light for me.” The Midrash (Yalkut Tehillim 247) relates that this posuk contains a secret message: “If I had not fallen, I would not have risen to where I am now. If I did not sit in darkness, Hashem would not have been a light for me.”
    Rav Chaim Shmulevitz, zt”l, (Sichos Mussar, 5032 Ma’amar 37) applies this Midrash to our battles against the yetzer hara. After we fall, we can rise to incredible heights that we could never have reached had we not sinned. When we realize how low we have fallen and cry out to Hashem over straying so far from Him, this spurs us on to dramatically change our direction. Quickly, we fly way past where we were before we sinned, and we soar to the greatest heights. We gain strength that we never had before, and we start serving Hashem with emotion and meaning.
    Our failures present an opportunity for greatness. They are not obstacles that hold us back, and we must not allow them to. Not only don’t they make us incapable of greatness, they can even become the sparks that bring the most growth. They can spur us on to reach amazing heights that we would never have aspired to had we not fallen so badly. Not only that, the added difficulty of having tasted sin gives us the opportunity to achieve incredible acts of success. This is another way our situation enables us to reach astounding heights! We should not be depressed by where we are. Rather, we should be excited because the lower we have fallen, the higher we can reach!"

Thank you Captain, that was incredibly powerful! I need to read & reread that pamphlet many times over & live with it. It is incredible! Although there are parts that is difficult for me go internalize, especially as I feel a bit hopeless on doing teshuva & gaining upward steam from my downwards fall since I'm still in the thick of the struggle & keep falling, sometimes worse than anything before. So I feel quite far from achieving greatness from my sins, as I feel hopeless on leaving it's grasp. At the same time I can see the other side. I can see the possibility of breaking free & this experience leading me to greater greatness...

Thank you so again,     

Swift Eagle

I understand the book to mean that the struggle can bring you to incredible heights. Not by becoming a bt through and through but by fighting a single battle. Pushing off an urge for 20 minutes. For 10 minutes, 5,2 even 1 minute. Once you have tasted sin you are fighting a battle that a tzaddik can never fight and therefore will never win. We on the other hand, have a majmajor struggle in areas that they would never dream of entering. And hour struggle is a fight for these 10 minutes. The fight for 1 minute of purity is the way we can achieve a greatness that no tzaddik ever can.

Thank you for this powerful thread

Dear "Starting" נ"י,

If you'd permit me to comment, I really like your username! What it conjures in my mind is that one is always "starting". Wherever one is holding, whatever levels one is gifted to reach thru Hashem's unending kindness & grace, we should always remember that we are just starting. Because no matter the heights we are brought up to, against the backdrop of our debt of gratitude to Hashem & our responsibilities towards him as his servants, we are always just "starting"

How should I say it? Your concise elucidation of the concept of growing specifically & especially through our now more intense struggles was heartening & enlightening to say the least. You've given me a hand in support, to help me crawl out of my pit, a bit more thrust for my tired rusty old engines, Thank you! (please excuse me for my wordiness if it gets a bit much, it's an inherited trait that's hard to break )

Your comments have also brought to mind a similar idea I've heard (but also had a difficult time seeing hope in ever seeing it's application to my struggle). That is, those same intensely powerful heightened emotions experienced through sins of lust, can then eventually be experienced as powerful all consuming burning love of Hashem to a greater extant then one would otherwise be able to feel. That same extra depth on the side of tumah can be an extra turbo booster on the side of kedusha. I hope I'm being clear enough, cause I'm writing this while in a rush

Love you all, keep on being strong, we will "build a wall" & "mexico" (ha ha, the side of evil) "will foot the bill". We shall take his very weaponry against us & use it as the ultimate tool to cleave to Hashem & thereby bring about the utter destruction of this evil nefarious angle of death once & for all.

Swift Eagle

P.S. Your very welcome! I do hope this thread with everyone's excellent responses brings inspiration to others as well as fixing my wagon - as I think it was "Rafi the King" - is apt to say Love you all!!!

You write beautifully 

@swifteagle

It reads as if you have this intense struggle.

So lighten up your atmosphere and environment.
OK - some of this might have to wait until the afternoon of 10 Av - but 

Go for a walk
Listen to some nice uplifting Kosher music
Visit a friend and play a board game 
Help someone out with a bit of decorating - something simple like basic painting or cleaning
Watch a Kosher film/read a Kosher book.
Watch a nature documentary - especially something about landscapes - mountains, streams, forests etc.

ColinColin,

That's a great idea! I don't do things like that too often. I've got a pretty loaded schedule & workload... It would be a good idea for me to carve out some time in my day/week for unwinding etc... I am going to write a list for myself culled from your suggestions & other ideas I can think of & aim to check off at least three a week...

Thank you,

Swift Eagle

** Deleted **

I find it funny that this is the only piece from the Zohar that anyone seems to know. Hmmm, I wonder why that might be. Maybe the workings of some dark angel, I don't know, maybe somewhere inside me? And inside everyone else?)

I really enjoyed this answer. But it's important to note that even for those who don't like this answer, there's a very important well known halachic principle (it's even brought early on in the Mishna Brura) that when there's an argument between the Talmud Bavli (the Gemora) and the Zohar, the halacha is like the Bavli. And as is well known, the Bavli says many times that nothing stands in the way of teshuva. And this is how the Rishonim pasken, from the Rambam to Tosfos to others. So there is no doubt that you can do teshuva for this sin, and it will be accepted.