Well it happened again today in Daf Yomi where I came across something and it triggered a very big response that scares me on a very deep level. I don't want to go into the details of what it was but one of the topics discussed got me curious and I decided to do some research about various halachos. As I was learning about shmiras einayim (watching my eyes) and came across הוצאת זרע לבטלה and I decided to reread what I already know and face the music so to speak.  So while I have known the answer I have always dreaded thinking about it and due to its addictive nature, it is easier to down play the sin than to face the gravity of how destructive it may be. Yet, today going in 5 maybe 6 weeks strong of abstinence, I figure it's time to stop avoiding the consequences of past actions.  I start to think of what I have done over all these years. Then the guilt hits me, and I feel so stupid. Like the guy who smoked and figures he can quiz any day but puts it off so long that he is in a very bad place. I am so disappointing in myself and worst of all how disappointed HaShem must have been with me. 
This is what my day has been like.....constantly reminding myself that I have been clean for about 2 months now......reminding myself that I have really turned myself around in the past 3 years in moral purity and all areas of religion. I also keep drilling in the Hashem has unconditional love for me (as well as all of us) and wants me to succeed. 
       But it hurts and I'm embarrassed to be writing all of this now. I feel like I tore off the scab to see an infection that I have ignored for too long.  So often I have focused in my teffilos how I want Moshiach to come and bring  this golus to an end and now I feel that I'm one of the causes that delayed it......

     So in a few moments Im going to be going to bed, knowing that tomorrow is another day and with the help of above I will continue keeping my streak moving forward. I know that I will feel better and I just pray I can hold on to enough of this emotion to help fight the urges when they return . 

Can you elaborate on what exactly you felt like? Was it that this sin is actually the worst sin in the Torah? (Which it's not. Obviously it's not a sin to be made light of, but see Beit Shmuel Even Ha'ezer 23:1 that when the Zohar wrote that it's the worst sin, it's lav davka, because if it was the worst sin, it should be recommended for a person to be with his wife when she's a niddah if it would help him avoid this sin, and of course that's not allowed. Rather, the Zohar is trying to stress the seriousness of the sin, that we should treat it as if it was the worst sin in the Torah and put in great effort to avoid it, but it's not literally the worst sin in the Torah.) Or was it that you can't do teshuva for it? Or was it something else?

I recommend listing to this talk from Rabbi Shafier who discusses how to approach this guilt.  It is a must listen.

https://guardyoureyes.com/GYEFiles/MP3s/Shafier/Guilt%20Anonymous%20and%20Teshuvah.mp3

Some mussar seforim hold that the reason for averios and mitzvos are to give the intellect control.

If this is such a bad averio, it gives control to the animal soul, then breaking free must be equally good!
Humans struggle to understand the positive and negatives of something at once. We are more inclined to just call something one way or the other.
Only Hashem can really judge exactly where a person is, don't judge yourself, just try do teshuva, move on, and do rotzon hashem now!

The past is out of your hands!

Disclaimer I am not qualified or clean

I think that hardest part of it all is that it I really don't understand it at all. On one hand there is the negative aspects.....the impurity. Anything that has the potential of life is special and in it absence tumah/impurity fills the void. It's addictive nature causes one to obsess on the pleasure and it when accompanied with visual images (either from a screen or magazine as well as those in our imaginations) it conditions our brains in negative ways that magnify our animalistic drives. Yet on the other hand it is so easily accessible. Due to my upbringing and exposure to many negative influences I was already addicted a good year or two before I knew that there was anything wrong and when I did find out the speech was so vague and abstract I was just confused. Until I turned 20 no one spoke of it or what to do to prevent it or how to keep it under control. It was this nasty thing that I indulged in and that  with all my failed attempts maybe HaShem will have mercy on me.  Then you read how serious it is. At first you try with all your being to be perfect and then out of the blue you slip. 

Yeah there's no doubt that this is the challenge of our generation. What you've shared with us is very common. These days many people get caught up before they even know that there's anything wrong. And then they try to get out but it's so hard, and they feel like a failure. And it takes over their lives and they feel worse and worse.

Almost every person that visits this site had a point that they felt all alone. That only they have this struggle (or only them and their two friends who got them into it), and they are so terrible, a complete failure as a Jew. Everything seems like a downward spiral, as if they were broken and could not be repaired. But then they got here, and they realize that so many people are fighting this struggle, and they begin to go at it together.

It's so important to have the right attitude on this struggle. Look to others on the forum to help you with that. You don't have to feel that your spiritual life is a mess or live all day feeling pressured but knowing you will fail at some point. You can get back on top, even before you attain complete control.

​Also, check out these free resources that are amazing for this struggle. They will give you the guidance you've will wish you had your entire life:

Great book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/