I'm a bochur who just came back for bein hazmanim. Before going to e"y I struggled with Masturbation. I was clean for the entire zman - my longest streak ever and within my first week back at home I fell.

Being back home instantly made me start having urges - even without seeing anything inappropriate on the internet or going out (CaronaVirus). I have a couple chavrusas over the phone that I enjoy learning with and some other hobbies to try to fill my time.

Can anyone help - its as if a switch was flipped - its so frustrating and I feel bad about it? Also, do other people struggle with this even when things are going well and you feel fulfilled? Thanks.

This struggle is very normal, and everybody deals with it on some level or another. Having a desire for this doesn’t mean that there is anything negative about a person. Chazal tell us that , a person’s nefesh craves it. Chazal aren’t referring specifically to bad people; they are addressing every single person.

There is no kehillah that can be considered immune to this. Every group of Yidden across the entire world deals with this yetzer hora.

You need to realize that you have no control over when a nisayon comes your way. An improper thought may fall into your head suddenly, out of the blue. Since this is the case, you have no reason to feel bad that the thought came; it was out of your realm of bechirah.

Bechirah, however, does lie in whether the person will leave the thought alone and allow it to pass through,or whether he will dwell on it, which causes it to leave a stronger impact on him.

​Thanks. It's just that such a drastic changed occurred, from being in a comfortable position against this battle to now it being a very real challenge - I guess certain things about my circumstances in e"y helped battle against this challenge.

​Also, I still carry with me the guilt of this challenge before I had this long streak. I was never able to go more than a couple days without falling, some days days even falling multiple times.

The difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is regret for having done something bad, while shame is feeling that you ARE bad. Of course, this is a major distinction as the Torah requires authentic guilt as one of the steps of repentance. However, guilt and regret is not the same as crushing self-hatred and shame.

The best indicator of whether your guilt is healthy or not comes by evaluating if you are ultimately growing and improving, or not. The person who makes excuses for his behavior does not grow, but neither does the person who is paralyzed and depressed by his guilt. It is unnatural for a person to stay at the same level. If that is happening, there is either too little guilt or too much guilt. If you are not able to see yourself objectively, then it is time to talk it over with someone whom you trust so you can get out of your rut and take steps to enrich your life.

Basics,my friend the y"h can literally do whatever the hell he wants to get you, no matter how up on the mountain you are he will always find a loose rock to make you slide on,be it the change of scenery,(you were in e"y shtieging)now you came back home and have a little more time so even though you were holding way higher than lapsing it managed to snatch you down with Hope's to put you back in your old way DO NOT FEEL TO BAD TO PUSH FORWARD THAT WAS THE Y"H PLAN rather continue up the hard as hell mountain and keep climbing my friend you could do it (apparently because you just did!) I've had yout experience uncountable amount a times. Daven little harder in davening and have zero worries your a king and you did great last zman keep pushing forward

Basics,my friend the y"h can literally do whatever the hell he wants to get you, no matter how up on the mountain you are he will always find a loose rock to make you slide on,be it the change of scenery,(you were in e"y shtieging)now you came back home and have a little more time so even though you were holding way higher than lapsing it managed to snatch you down with Hope's to put you back in your old way DO NOT FEEL TO BAD TO PUSH FORWARD THAT WAS THE Y"H PLAN rather continue up the hard as hell mountain and keep climbing my friend you could do it (apparently because you just did!) I've had yout experience uncountable amount a times. Daven little harder in davening and have zero worries your a king and you did great last zman keep pushing forward
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