Actually I am new. I had trouble since I was ten and felt urges. Luckily I had surgery for some congenital problem  and it wasnt until I was 17 that I had a problem. I am in my late 30's and married for almost 15 years.My desires have not subsided since being married and at times being with my wife made it worse since I felt I was a poor performer. Intimacy was difficult due to fatigue, work (on her part). Even going to mikvah. She was blasee' about counting etc. I was her calendar. I used to tell her " Its one mitzvah you have, at least do it right and enthusiactically!. Anyway, I am not blaming her. On a separate note, when we got a computer 8 years ago, and had dial up (believe it or not- it was slow)thats when I made up for what was lacking in the bedroom. My fantasies were fulfilled! However, I got busted one night when she came home from work (quietly). She was outraged and lost my respect. I promised up the wazoo but you know.... Eventually the computer was too slow and I had no reason to go on it.. until recently. My wife is in an online course , so we have a lap top and high speed service. So my late nights are surfing the web for xxx material. I'd never copy it or store it. I have no desire to. Bottom line is that when my wife is a Niddah I struggle with the computer and the other ma'ase. I was good with that but that was because my desire went down. Now it's kicking into high gear. When we can be together, I really dont surf the web.And if I do, it's to learn something new. Maybe I am not doing something right? My wife's arousal level is poor but I know I can do the jobbut I still think I can pick up some new tricks. I am sick? I am not trying to justify anything but I have some sense of inadequacy (oh yeah... I relized I have ED-meaning once I enter, I exit-if you get my drift. I feel like I am a failure in that sense. My DW is understanding and has nothing to compare me too. She says she loves me and I believe her. I feel rejected in some sense since even when we can be together, I feel like I am pressuring her. I tell her that it's a curse to be a man-only one thing on the brain. Anyway, its good to get it out. go tot get some rest.
Penitent

hey there!

First of all, welcome! I'm pretty new myself, but everyone here has made me feel at home, and given me incredible support!

I hope you realize how incredible it is that you''ve come here, and decided to improve things on every level - a spiritual level, your relationship with your wife. your relationship with yourself...

This is kinda the thread for jokes, I think, but mostly, it's a place to chill when you need it, and it sounds like you might need that.  So enjoy! Feel free to start your own thread, sign up for the chizuk emails, etc (there's an official greeting, you'll get it soon, I'm sure  )

As far as your performance issues, I'm single, but I'd imagine that 1) going to a doctor would be a good idea; and 2) as far as advice on improved ways to make everyhting more enjoyable, you CAN go to a rav. I know, I know, AWKWARD, right?

But there are rabbanim out there that specialize in this kind of thing (make sure you find a good one), I think, and R' Volbe calls that aspect of marriage "torah sh'ba'al peh."

And anyway, let's face it, that's not what you're researching - there are informational websites, and then there's porn. The yetze hora is just using that as an excuse, to make it look like a good thing - and I think you know that already...

Welcome Penitent. Im sure as soon as the Holy Guard checks this out hell give you the welcoming package. Oh and hell probaly get you your own thread. Well thats what he did for me . Anyways just checking this place out and posting here says a whole lot about you. Youve come to the right place. as soon as you get comfortable , look around. Theres something here for everyone. And there are a whole lot of tzadikim that are here to help you out. Just because they love you. hope you have much hatzlacha. And youll see youve come theres no turning back...............Oh ill just leave the rest for the Guard. Love you bro.

Dear pentinent,

I am the admin of this forum. Welcome to our community! Once you've arrived, there's no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

The first thing you need to know, is that you are not just dealing with stronger than normal "desires", but rather a disease called "lust addiction". As far as to what constitutes an addiction, see this article where Rabbi Twerski explains how one can get addicted to this from a single use! Even if someone can go without it for a long time, he is still addicted if specific situations make him feel powerless to resist it even though it goes against his morals and inner desires. See also this page.

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here...

Make sure to install a strong filter. It will be almost impossible to break free of this while having all the garbage within a mouse click away. See this page for one good filter option, along with instructions on how to install it best - and give away the password to our "filter Gabai"... See this page for another 20 (or so) filter ideas and information...

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You're worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day. In yesterday's chizuk e-mail, we actually addressed your very question about someone who has intimacy problems and their wife doesn't want to be with him very often, if at all. Did you see that e-mail? If not, let me know and I'll send you it by e-mail.

Post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can't be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week... This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps - which is known to be the world's most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn't jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn't be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc... So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they've tried already, and if those steps haven't worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won't be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it's anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not...

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook
This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude
The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth...

May Hashem be with you!

Reb penintnt shlitta

Welcome aboard

No need to worry

Here is the safest spot in a world gone mad

We are all in the same boat

Fighting for our lives

Resolve to go 90 days

Post away it is very helpful

The more you post the more people will read and answer you back

One word of chizzuk

As a famous man once said

YES WE CAN!!!

b

At least you came to the right place to fix your Neshama as for the other issue speak to your doctor there is more medications available for ED than ……………….. sorry I am drawing a blank (no pun intended,  ).

Welcome to the forum, Penitent.

You've come to the right place!

Lots of luck.

  --Eye.

Hey Penitent, where have you been?

How are you doing?

--Eye.

Yeah wheres yoo been. We like to see ya a little. I have this funny feeling that he cant find this thread now that guard gave hima new one. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Hey penitent, don't leave us hanging like this!


KG

Welcome home, to your second home. We are a family. Post more tell us more this will help. Good luck. We all want you to succeed.

Hey Penitent!

I hope you weren't already chozer b'sheilah ch"v.

GYE (EYE) calling Penitent, GYE (etc) calling Penitent...

Please return.

sorry, I kind of get lost on this sight reading and all that. B"H all is ok. I find that being on the computer ,late at night , bored , is the worst thing, but you all already know that.

Indeed, it can be...everyone has to decide on their own. personally, I've found that reading and posting a lot is helpful, but everyone has to decide when and where is best for them.

Please do let us know what's happening, though - please!

penitent wrote on 30 Dec 2009 04:13:
Im totally maskim to that!! Its the worst mixture. Well be fine if your ignoring us means your staying off the computer. But well miss you either way. please drop us a line once in awhile to let us know how your doing.