This was also posted on other topic threads because I'm not really sure where it belongs -
I really appreciate this forum and the opportunity to speak openly with guys who really understand my struggle. I really need to share this. I am clean for three weeks but the desire to masturbate is very often overwhelming. Frankly I would give in big time and probably go on a major binge. To tell the truth it is not the aveira itself thats stopping me but the fear of onesh and the fact that if I give in it will really distance me from my relationship with Hashem. I'm certainly not a tzadik or perhaps have the closest relationship with Hashem but I truly believe from the depths of my heart and soul that Hashem is my father. I find myself going to shul late at night when I'm sure I'm absolutely alone and talk to my Father openly without embarrassment and really cry and pour out my heart and soul to Him about everything in my life and my struggles with Shmiras Eynaim and masturbation. If I give in I know it will really distance me from him and it will take a long time and a lot of crying to get back to where I was in my closeness to my Father and I don't want to risk that happening like it did the last time I fell three weeks ago where I not only felt horrible, devestated and guilty but also knew that my relationship with my Father was damaged. The only thing is that those two things are the only things that stop me from masturbating but not the fact that it is an aveira itself. So I really feel lacking in my Yiras Shomayim because of this. Does anyone have any insights or thoughts on this. I would really appreciate my brothers here to share their experiences and feelings with me. I'm sorry this post has been so long but I had a lot to say from my heart. Thanks for listening.

In my SA program we call the approach to sobriety that you describe as  "white knuckling". It may be considered "technical sobriety" but there's a lot more to sobriety than that. Your sobriety is fear-based and typically fear-based sobriety doesn't provide lasting changes in a person. The SA program has helped me to shift my fear-based sobriety to a joy-based sobriety. My sincere suggestion would be to check out this SA 12-step program or any other 12-step "S-program". What's also helped me is using my compulsive lust-based behaviors as my "teacher" - finding out what is behind them that needs addressing and healing. So for myself, as someone who struggles with unwanted same-sex attractions, I have learned that beneath them is my childhood trauma/ wounds based on both father and mother wounds. And then identifying what unmet needs I might be repressing which need to come out of the "shadows" ("shadow" being a technical term based on the work of Carl Jung). It's a journey that may start with me examining what's behind things like my masturbation and porn watching and then going to work at identifying what legitimate needs need to be resolved and then doing the work to resolve it. It's hard work but the alternative of white-knuckling just didn't work for me

White-knuckling has been a big problem for me.
Another term for it is "Dry drunk".

And yes, it will only keep you clean for so long, perhaps 90 days but I very much doubt longer than 100 days.

ColinColin wrote on 05 Dec 2019 18:44: