Got voch... tonight I went to a Chanuka party at the apartment of a young married couple I'm friends with. I knew there would be mixing of the genders at the party as gender mixing isn't unheard of in modern-Orthodox settings. Anyway, I could not stop staring at a  certain girl there. I know in my head the halachos about not even having pleasure from a woman's small finger and here I am practically taken over and looking at her whenever I could sneak a glance. And when I'm leaving (she must have known I'm shomer-negiah), she says to me, "I'm blowing you a shomer kiss." I'm home now disappointed in myself for sneaking so many glances at her and then flirting and having such enjoyment from her flirtatious statement as I left which ironically was centered around the kedusha of my being shomer-negiah. I'm sorta disillusioned with these types of parties and get why Chazal warn us about these situations of the genders socially hanging out.

I think it's incredible that you recognize what was wrong about what you did, and that you'e learned something from it - and hopefully, you've thought out what you'd do differently next time, or how you'd deal with the situation if you met this girl again. Plan it out in your mind, so that you'd be prepared if it happens.

And thank hashem for giving you an opportunity to learn a lesson!

oh man,  this stuff is so dangerous . that kind of flirting is so dangerous , you were saved .  saved . thank  H' you didn't take it one step further .  :o

You're a Tzadik. Many of us on this forum can not deal with such situations. We know ourselves only too well, as you are learning now too! We need to avoid mixing socially with the opposite gender like we avoid fire!

May Hashem give you strength to continue on your journey to purity!

Yes to echo Guards words you are a Tzadik. From Yosef we see that a tzadik is someone who controls himself in the lust area. And im embarressed to say im not sure i would of been able to hold up like that. Kol Hakavod to you. Keep lightin' the way!

LL
You are very lucky and you diminished some of that hanaah by psting here

I don't know you or your matzav so I cannot judge.
Us people here need to be twice as careful.we can on only be successful if we strike pre-emptivly. Once we are in a situation almost everything we know won't help.
But but before you go to a party you say to yourself
Why am I going
How long will I stay
What are my limits
Etc.

What I will write in the next comment may have nothing to do with you per se

If it does enjoy the chizzik if not disregard it.

I know many people myself included, who would love the TEASE factor of the sitation you were in.and only get embolden by saying hey nothing happened.

If we look at last weeks parsha we see Potiphars wife asked Yosef "shichva imi" as some say she asked him lie clothe no physical contact in my bed.
At worst he would be over some  "derabanan"
What was Yosefs reaction "how can I do the GREAT sin"

Hey Yosef get real what great sin its an " aveirileh" a goorishtl ah shmekk tabbik

NO NO NO (CLS)
Yosef saw it for what it was what the YH wanted freom him

Yes LL and yes bardichev, YH comes with aveirilach a click a blikk just wanting to be teased,or just curious... Etc.

HELLO WAKE UP IT IS HIS TRAIN TO SHEOL TACHTIS

H&H
b

I read these responses and think "u'mi k'amcha Yisrael goi echad b'aretz." I really wonder if the encouragement, warmth, ahavas-Yisroel, and judging favorably on this site has any parallel elsewhere. Even after I typed those words last night about how bad I felt looking at her and flirting I still was tempted to write her by following up, sending her a message on Facebook telling her "how nice it was to see you at the chanuka mesiba and let's together soon." But you all encouraged me. No such message will be sent from me, though it was tempting.

Yes SilentBatlle and Barditchev, I need to make a plan. Maybe the next get-together I can simply show up, warmly tell the hosts, "good to see you, I can only stay for ten minutes or so because I have something else this evening but I definitely wanted to come by for a little bit and at least say hi." That way I'm on guard and can't get too comfortable with the mingling, get to say shalom, and then leave after a few minutes. I have a very playful, kind, fun-spirited personality which can easily lead into flirting and kalus-rosh, and I am well aware of that.  

Bardichev, I mamash just learned that a few days ago by eishes Potifar's request of just lying next to each other even without intimacy! Blew me away. I had a Chumash/Rashi chavrusa Thursday night and as I was preparing in the Mikraos Gedolos I saw what Ibn Ezra says on 'lishkav etzlah': אפילו לשככ במקום קרוב ממנה, או להיות עמה לדבר שיחות and of course as Rashi says: אפילו בלא תשמיש. Just innocuous cuddling and flirting, right? WRONG- we see how Yosef fled! You're so right Barditcev, we see from this how the yetzer starts with a "harmless" tease.

I also saw, from the Baal HaTurim, that the gematria of her request להיות עמה is the same as אל תוך גיהנם!

One of my two Jewish names is actually Yosef so I need to tap into the power of my name for strength to emulate the original Yosef.

Thank you also Guard and LamedVavnik and I'mTrying.

We're all fighting the good fight in Tzivos Hashem- soldiers in an elite unit in the world's greatest army.

I gotta say, I'm extremly impressed by how you handled the situation. Realize that many many people would have fell where you managed to stand. You must have some very special zechus.
As for the future, you really gotta realize that going to such an event, is like closing your eyes and taking a shot of an unknown liquid the yetzer hara is holding out to you. It might be water, it might be vodka, it might be cyanide.
You might make it home without any incidents, you might narrowly escape one, you might fall and regret it forever. Why play Russian Roulette? Just don't accept it if it's coming from him. Be safe. Proper and wise decisions you'll be making throughout your life, are far easier to make by the invitation to the 'party', than by the invitation to 'other things'.

Wow! Incredible!

You've had a tremendous victory!

I would recommend that you make concrete plans now for next time. If you're planning on only going for 10 minutes (which seems a bit dangerous), at least set a phone alarm, or have someone call you 10 minutes after you enter, so yu know you HAVE to leave, no matter what.

Wow! Kol HaKavod on your victory. Gathering like this are always a peleh, - I remember the Harry Potter advertisement here in EY - "Al HaNissim V'Al HaNiflaos -" ah yes, to celebrate chanukah by making sure the yevanim won, after all.

There's a rebbe in yeshiva in brooklyn that comments, "and we'll we celebrating the fact that the yevonim won by having vacation from yeshiva..."

kanesher wrote on 13 Dec 2009 20:58:


Like Maccabee - Tel Aviv! The Irony of calling it Maccabee when they were fighting AGAINST the Greek sports and body worship 

LL Holy Tzaddik

Its people like you that remind me why we are all here

You are a tzaddik

The ways of the YH are very very devious

I wish I can give you more chizzuk

Don't fall into a false sense of security it an old trick of his

Milchemes hayetzer is one day at a time
It is real work

Rewarding yes

Borrowing another theme of Yose Hatzaddik

Yosef said ano gad babaiys yoser mimeni

Meaning at thr point of nisayon one mist pull rank and raise themselves to what they want to be!! 

CAPS BARDY CAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF NOT NOONES GONNA GET THE MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

imtrying25 wrote on 13 Dec 2009 22:49:


The no-caps is because we are all all with the utmost of hulility to the tremendous gevuras hanefesh of this Holy Jew who hides beneath the name Lamplighter

Chazak Chazak Achi!!!!

With tremendous AWE

Noorah