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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: relapse 1234 Views

relapse 22 Apr 2019 05:20 #340691

  • Iwtbf613
  • Junior Boarder
  • Posts: 27
  • Karma: 4
A gut moed everyone. I just wanted to come clean and say that after roughly 140 days of cumulative clean time, I fell. It happened to me mamash the night before the seder. In doing so, I broke my Taphsic and had to pay a large knas (I didn't follow through with any of the preliminary things). Since I had broken the Taphsic and got a large knas, I felt free to have another fall, this time motzi yontiv (just an hour or so ago) I'm feeling a couple of things and thinking about a few things that I'm just going to put out there and see what responses I get.
1. I think that I made the taphsic too difficult. I made it so that I had to do all three preliminary things (call a friend for 5 minutes, learn a chapter of tanya, say a chapter of tehillim) in order for me to NOT be hit with a heavy knas.

2. I think that I made my sobriety too much about the taphsic. In the beginning of my conscious sobriety work, it was about being sober, strengthening my connection with Hashem, and working on my inner strength. What ended up happening is that the taphsic slowly took over my sobriety. I stopped working on the GYE principles, stopped coming on the website, stopped making GYE a priority and using my addiction to strengthen my connection with Hashem. It all became about not getting hit with a heavy knas. Inside, I wanted to fall, I'd even toe the edge just to get some sort of thrill until finally I just blew it all with reckless abandonment. Since I had already been hit with the heavy knas for my erev-yontiv fall, I felt free to look at pornography motzi yontiv since- why not? I've already broken my Taphsic! It no longer applies to me, so I can do whatever I want. This is obviously not a good tactic. The taphsic is a tool, a means to an end, not an end in itself. It is only meaningful so much as I make my sobriety meaningful. It shouldn't be the linchpin upon which my entire sobriety depends, but a "break glass in case of emergency."
3. I'm thinking that going forward, I really need to make it a priority to be on GYE at least 4 days out of 7, if not more. I need to get back into reviewing the principles, which gave me so much strength. I'm a little bummed that I lost my clean streak, but iyh I can get it back ODAAT.

Re: relapse 22 Apr 2019 13:35 #340698

  • ColinColin
  • Current streak: 259 days
  • Platinum Boarder
  • Posts: 433
  • Karma: 7
Sorry to hear about your fall.
Your situation sounds very similar to how I was a while ago.
Staying clean for a similar length of time, then falling and thinking "Nothing to lose, I already fell" so falling again.

Ultimately Taphsic is one factor in stayig clean...but as you wrote, if you don't want to stay will not work.

And some others on here wrote on my thread that they thought I had been "White knuckling it".
It took me a while to understand that phrase...but they meant that inside I wanted to fall so every day was a battle in not falling.
My approach was was "I do not want to fall" rather than "I want to stay clean".

Instead, my new approach is day by day, hour by hour if need be.

I know 100% I do not want to fall....the feeling after is too bad, the hours wasted are horrible.

I try to use mindfulness....regarding the urge to fall as a thought...but just a thought, not something that I am compelled to act upon.

Instead I let the thought go...and make sure I know that I am vulnerable to carry out a positive task instead..anything from learning to reading to walking to visiting someone.

Re: relapse 22 Apr 2019 15:52 #340700

  • 360gye
  • Current streak: 760 days
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 231
  • Karma: 13
Hi Iwtbf613,
It is very good that you decided to come clean about your falls. It shows how much you've grown, even though you fell. 140 days is great and I'm sure this time around you'll do better.
I would agree with you that the TaPhistic shouldn't be your goal, but a means to your goal of sobriety. Taphistic is a great tool used by many people, but if you make the bar too high then it's not worth much. You need to be realistic, while making it daunting to break it. Your taphistic shouldn't be too small that it's insignificant, but not too big that you'll be in constant fear of breaking the taphistic and lose sight of your real goal-to stay clean.
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