I had a fall yesterday. its been tough staying sober. I am constantly pulling myself on 2 opposite sides. I do need to stop and i know that. BUT i truly miss fantasizing and acting out while staying clean. Ive been doing it for almost 20 years now and i dont know how to live my life and spend my time without fantasizing and lusting. its a daily, hourly etc...battle. it was so hard yesterday that i needed to masturbate just so i can get on the right mindset to do work which thinking about it now makes me sick and disgusted at myself. Since i truly started I've had 29 day steaks, then 20 day streaks and i just gave in and fell I am trying very hard to stay clean and i dont know how im going to do it and manage if it didn't work the past couple of times. The most shameful time is admitting i fell in meeting and restarting my 90day count here on GYE. I cannot take the shame and guilt anymore. Today is day 0, i hope to end the day on a clean note.

What do you mean it didn't work? You stayed clean for 20 days and for 29 days! How long did you ever manage before you came here? It will get easier with time. Don't give up.

longest before that was 15days. its hard to admit throwing away so many days i worked on staying clean down the drain and starting again from day 0 in addition to that it seems 15, 30, 60, 90 days are more like years away and i am only at the starting point. I dont know how many times other people fell but i can only speak for myself i feel like there is no hope for me even though im trying to work on myself and the program and listening to good advise people are offering.

They are not down the drain. You are making progress. You can’t expect to be perfect right away. Each time you hold back you are changing your habit and with time it will become the default. Keep on working the program. 

A big thing is to find “kosher” ways to deal with “emptiness” you feel from not having your “drug” anymore. Do you have a hobby you are involved in? A chesed project you can volunteer for? Something you always wanted to learn and could never find the time?

I hear what your saying. Honestly i do not have a hobby or anything to deal with "emptiness" I work long hours so i cant really go to class and i always find myself being lazy to do anything which requires physical effort. but i do need to find something.

So far so good. Saturday night something caught me off guard and make me feel like a fool but thankfully i was able to examine what happened and why it triggered me and i prevented myself from acting out. Yesterday was a family day which was very exhausting but thankfully not so many triggers and ended the say sober. Today is day 4. Hope i end the day staying clean.

johnfrumgye

No point focussing on "90 days seems so far away."

That approach will never ever work. 

Because it is fooling yourself into thinking that just because you make 90 days, you will be OK for the rest of your life.

I tried it, and it did not work for me.

The correct approach is to want to be clean, and celebrate every day that you are clean.

Approach every day as a self contained period of time.
Plan out what you will do, activities that will not involve porn etc.

Hi Johnfrum,
I can understand it's frustrating, and i would love to talk with you and try to help you. It does take time and all that mattre is that you're growing, doesnt matter how quick or slow.
Please email so we can talk more 360gye@gmail.com

Hello John,

Firstly, you did not waste those days!! You fought the yetzer, AND WON for 29 days running! Almost twice your previous high!!! During those days, you fought many battles. You emerged victorious! Those victories are yours for eternity! They will never be taken away from you! They are extremely precious! Enjoy them! Cherish them! Hold onto them! When you are feeling down, look back at those times, and reassure yourself THAT YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
Secondly, what worked for me was focusing on a few days at a time. I said that I would stay clean for 5 days, then I added another 5, then another 10, and so on. There were hard days and there were easy days. What made the battle easier was getting a foolproof filter on my computer. Also, committing to not touching myself "down there" with intent to pleasure. Once I started, it was very hard to stop. It was easier to not touch at all. I first undertook this for 24 hours. Then for another 24 hours, then through the weekend. I was slowly able to build up my endurance this way.

When I first found the 90 day count, I was already 15 days clean. I lasted 3 more days, for a total of 18, and then fell. I started again, lasted another 18 days, and then fell again. The 3rd time, I made it to 194, and then fell. This time, the fall was for a full week. I started again, and am currently at just over 200 days clean. You fell. Now you can choose to stay down and let the yetzer kick you when you are down, or, you can get up fighting!

@ColinColin @360gye @Yerushalmi. Thank you so much for your support. It really means a lot. I'm trying to practice what you all say. Im trying to change my approach to thinking it is one day/moment/event at a time without looking far ahead and without seeing the past clean days as being thrown into the trash. Yesterday has been an okay day. There was nothing much to do or to look forward to. Felt a little down and depressed but thankfully i didn't do what i normally would've done to waist time. I need to find some sort of hobby or activity. What has worked for you to occupy your time to not slip?

You can always decide to get a workout regiment...
For me, i like jewish history and biographies
But a hobby is usually something which speaks to a person, something they have an interest in. What are your interests?
Some people like studying academia, some like art, poems, etc.

I really like to read. When I need something to distract myself, I can read something, and that usually grabs my interest. When I had an exercise program, that worked too. I used to do the 11 minute workout. No equipment or gym membership required! 
Don't forget to daven hard, asking Hashem to give you the strength that you need to do the right thing.
Some people find other things that help: saying a perek of tehilim, listening to a shiur, changing location, doing some game or puzzle that needs some concentration. 
When I first started fighting, I would count how many  hours I was clean. Eventually, I moved up to counting days. Start slowly!

totally feeling your pain. I feel like im going thru the same thing. I do good a few days and then just get this crazy urge and fall!!!! so so depressing. I just joined gye so hope to find some good advice to finally get rid of this. I feel like davening that I should have no taavah anymore (feel sorry for my wife( but its just to hard!!!!

(sorry john...) welcome je613! much hatzlocha on your battles