I don't know if this is the right place or if it totally out of place please don't hesitate to tell me off, (I am used to it:(

I understand and know that there is an Eissur of Zerea Lvatola!
That being said is there any options for me with very strong urges.
1) when my wife is not clean or not interested, - she does not know about my issue.
2) even with her is there only one way...

if there is a way to reply privately with pleasure ...

I am lost and don't think I have the koach to stop cold turkey.

Thanks for listing   

Hiya
I'm sure I wont be the only one to say this: these questions are addressed by poskim and many modern Poskim understand the issues people like us have and know how to Pasken accordingly. 
Also, there are quite a few topics about this in the Baalei batims forum so its worthwhile to look there. 
A story: My wife and I once had a prolonged period of being "off" caused by a physical issue with her. I called a prominent Dayan and he said, "Have a cold shower." This same Dayan was one that I had spoken to previously and had been Mattir many things and was very lenient. However, there are some things, like masturbation, that I don't think any Posek will tell you is okay :-( It is hard, but we're all in this together so try some of the ideas on here. They really do help!! 

where is the Baalei batimsforum? I cant seem to find it
thanks

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Oh, and Welcome Aboard!