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I don't want to be frum anymore
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: I don't want to be frum anymore 440 Views

I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 00:28 #339384

  • Laayzerbeem
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Does anyone else feel that way? I just want to get something off my chest for the thousandth time, but first time on a forum. 

My life has gotten worse and worse since I became frum, and I can't help but believe that is what's to blame for the majority of my misery and discomfort. I've heard all the vorts, seen all the videos, heard all the chizzuk, learned a significant amount of Chassidus, mussar, Torah, etc. I was a rabbi of a congregation, I attended seven yeshivas and they were some of the worst experiences of my life. 
I want so badly for someone to take me under their wing and help turn these negative feelings around, but I know I can't expect others to save me, especially when I'm not a child anymore. I also understand that there are more contributing factors to my situation. But, I am sure if Yiddishkeit weren't a factor to consider, I would be able to cope much better with the other issues, and feel better about waking up in the morning. 
My brother asked me this morning if I was "living my best life," and my response was "nope, the opposite." I do gratitude excersises daily, I'm in two recovery programs, I've read so, so many self-help books and articles, and my career is literally all about helping others. 
Why haven't I left the fold? I believe in Hashem. And I believe Torah is Emes. So where do I go next?
Thanks for letting me share. 

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 00:41 #339385

  • doingtshuva
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Sad to read that your life became worse since you became frum, I'm not an expert and I don't know much about you.
Just wanted to ask if you feel the same while you are on a good clean streak.
I would put Yidishkeit aside (not leaving) and focus more on being sober. 
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


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Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 00:48 #339387

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Thanks for sharing.

You believe in Hashem.
You believe Torah is emes.
You want to know where to go next.

Can you touch upon a specific challenge in being frum that is at the top of your list? A well defined problem is easier to address then trying to tackle all the vague challenges one faces with the responsibilities of being frum.
Last Edit: 05 Mar 2019 00:50 by Shteeble.

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 00:48 #339388

  • ColinColin
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What went worse since becoming frum?

There are different ways to be observant....and who is to say one is better than the other?

Some feel at home in a black suit, black hat and white shirt.
Others in regular clothes but with a kippah.
Others in regular clothes but with a flat cap.

Some like going to Shiurim, others spend hours studying Gemmarah.

Some are Yeshivish, others Hasidic.

Some express things with a very religious zionist way, connected to Eretz Yisrael...working on a farm there. 

Others are into Kiruv, going out and helping non-observant Jews to put on Tefillin.

Some are big into fighting anti-Semitism.

Some are very into studying Ivrit...I know someone who was not frum but they were a language scholar and this co-incided with increased observance.

Others delve into the wonderful world of Hasidic stories.

There are those who read loads about Jewish history.

Some are into the "paranormal" but from a Jewish view...studying things like reincarnation and dreams.

Find a path that you feel happy with.
Last Edit: 13 Mar 2019 00:07 by ColinColin.

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 04:08 #339393

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Having a clean streak only matters to me because I believe it's what Hashem wants from me. 

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 04:17 #339394

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The biggest issue for me is same-sex attraction. I was perfectly happy in a relationship with a man until it hit me that I can't serve Hashem properly while being married to a man. From the moment I left my ex-husband my life started spiraling down hill. There was no "descent for the sake of ascent" like I was promised. 
For tznius reasons I became very uncomfortable spending time with all my girl friends, especially in public. I felt when I was with my non-religious, non-Jewish friends that I wasn't as erlich as I should be, and I needed to surround myself with people who shared my values and my goals. My friends, and some of my family, don't approve of my lifestyle, trying to address my homosexuality and marry a woman.
The amount of things I've been told I shouldn't be doing made make me so crazy and resentful that I feel guilty every time I listen to a non-Jewish song, etc. 
And at the end of the day, I'll never have the 'normal' frum life of any of my FFB friends, no matter how hard I try. I'm single, childless, depressed, and I have no ambition. 

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 04:22 #339395

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I mean this with the utmost respect, and I appreciate the time and care you spent writing to me, but every way to approach yiddishkeit that you described leads to a life centered around Torah and Mitzvos, aka being frum. 

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 11:03 #339402

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Laayzerbeem, write to me privately at eyes.guard@gmail.com. I might have some ideas.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 05 Mar 2019 16:46 #339406

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Wow,  I so appreciate your honesty. Listen, I don’t know you at all and I don’t know much of your background outside of what you told me, but I know that in my life I have been going through a huge transition in terms of trying to not care what people think about me.  To me, the most important thing in my yiddishkeit is making sure that I’m as honest as possible with myself and honest with Hashem.  Honestly,  it’s completely normal for people to pendulum back-and-forth once they become from. I know that I did and I constantly swing back-and-forth between being in love with yiddishkeit and wanting to fry out.  Realizing that this is all part of the process of growth makes it really easy to deal with the tough times.  You also have the added frustration of dealing with SSA,  which is not an easy combination with a frum lifestyle.  Being that I am not in your shoes, I can’t comment on that except other than Hashem gives us immense challenges to help us grow stronger in our connection to Him. Maybe try being honest with yourself, accept your feelings for what they are, and address them head on. It’s not necessarily about “being frum” but about being in a healthy and honest relationship with Hashem. “Frum” is a cultural thing, what people think of each other, and most people are fake, sorry to say. This helps me to really stop caring what people think because most of the time, what they think this just a way for them to deal with their own superficiality and fakeness. Hashem wants anything but a superficial relationship with you. He loves you. 

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 07 Mar 2019 15:29 #339456

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It sounds like there is a  lot of stuff going on here. I don't have SSA to understand it, or know you to understand you. 

Thank you for writing though and I hope that in doing so you are able to clear out your mind and get yourself thought out. Not everyone (or anyone perhaps) here will understand you. But in writing and talking, hopefully you will come to understand yourself.

Good luck finding your peace of mind my friend.. Hope to hear more from you
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
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Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 12 Mar 2019 00:47 #339556

  • doingtshuva
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Laayzerbeem
Whats happening with you?
Are you OK??
 NO, It's not all or nothing, just every bit counts!

I failed yesterday, and I might fail tomorrow. But just for today I'm going to give it a try.


Gye program + Handbook  -  Phone conferences  -  Taphsik method  -  90 day chart  -  Ebooks  -  Shiurim  -  Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski  -  Recent topics on the Forum

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 13 Mar 2019 00:16 #339583

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I heard about someone the other day.
They were a Frum woman who left Frumkeit.
They became totally secular.
They married a Jewish man, but then had affairs with his friends.
They went to swingers parties.
They had lesbian affairs.

I thought...I bet they are not happy.
This just seems like a case of Davka....doing it all to prove a point, just to prove a point.
It was all to excess....what kind of meaning could it have?

And they still kept a Jewish name and looked so typically Ashkenaz...their hair, their facial features.

It all seemed so stupid, like a junk food life.

I pray they come back to normality. 
Even a middle path, staying faithful to the husband at least.

Re: I don't want to be frum anymore 13 Mar 2019 03:07 #339601

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Idk what that has to do with the OP topic. But on that note, you are making an excellent point. Junk-food life should be copyrighted asap. 
I know someone similarly who is engaging in similar behavior. On the inside when you get down to it, no they are not happy. Having spoken to a few "swingers' and 'open marriage' people, it seems that none of them indeed really feel good about what they are doing deep down. Personally, I find this sort of life style tempting. If I found someone I really felt was a balanced and happy person, I would have a hard time ignoring that. Just being honest. Aye.. but the Torah says xyz.. I know.. I am just saying I would have a hard time ignoring that if I saw someone who was emotionally balanced and well engaging in that lifestyle. It would cause me to think - 'what about me'.. 

The reality most of the time though is that the person has one or multiple things driving them toward that activity and really needs help. Much the same way like we need help as addicts. They may not be sex addicts in the way we are, but there are emotional drivers (painful ones) behind the fun sounding lifestyle. That doesn't mean at all they are shallow people. It means they are hurt and consuming junk food instead of healthy sexual experiences.
  • I've never been one for signatures.. but sometimes people change
  • I'm seeking the life that I find manageable which may not be the life you find manageable. But let's make a deal. I want you to find yours and you want me to find mine even if they are different.
Last Edit: 13 Mar 2019 03:08 by OTR.
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