Hello everyone,

B"H I have come a long way since I first joined GYE around last Peasach. I used to struggle terribly with hz"l and fell into the hands of the internet whenever I had access. It felt like I would never be able to break free and live life the way I wanted to, clean from all this garbage. (see my thread can't stay clean from masturbating/h"zl) https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/330858-Cant-Stay-Clean-from-MasturbatingHZL

Chasdei Hashem, thanks to GYE I have finally been zoiche to become free at last. I have been clean for over half a year now and I no longer feel the same struggle that I used to face on a daily basis. I know that I need to keep my guard up, stay in touch with my chevra at GYE, and never get too confident, but I no longer have to constantly fight and I am  living my life with menuchas hanfesh and that feeling of freedom that I always dreamed of. 

However, last week I actually had a fall. I by mistake bumped into a way to get through my filter to everything tamei under the sun and I made the mistake of not reaching out to one of my GYE supports before it was too late. It was definitely no fun but it wasn't  as bad as I would have thought. The notion that I might have a fall was always my worst fear since I started my 90 day journey (especially in the beginning) and in the past I would have been so discouraged. It would have made me feel that all this isn't working and that I can't do this and that I never will be able to truly break free. 

Turns out, that at this point in my journey I really didn't feel that way and I just got back up and moved on (I did go back for a few minutes the next morning but stopped pretty quickly and didn't go back since). I still feel in control and that I'm still holding where I was before the fall. It is pretty painful and embarrassing to restart the count, come off the wall of honor, and start over from the beginning, but as far as the way I feel, in a way it's actually chizuk to still feel clean and that I am still living the new mehalach and that it's not all back to square one just because I had a fall. To quote HHM, I'm still at the top of the mountain enjoying the view (let me tell you, its absolutely gorgeous! ).

It was also chizuk to notice that the garbage on the internet didn't have the same appeal as it used to. B"H, it seems that my brain is takeh healthier now and that the animalistic behavior isn't as enticing anymore. Not to say that I have no taiva for this stuff anymore, but it's different. I was watching more out of compulsion rather than enjoyment. I think that's part of the reason why I was able to stop and not keep going back even though I still had access. B"H, its an amazing place to be in!

Still, I'm definitely aware that this is an extremely powerful and cunning yetzer harah even if it is disgusting (I can actually say that now and mean it. I used to think that that it sounds good to say that its disgusting but every knows that its pleasurable to watch they just don't want to admit it) and I need to make sure that I will stay safe. But at the end of the day, it's major chizuk  for me to see that I am now a very different person than I used to be.

As far as going forward, I was in touch with one of my GYE life supports (he reached out to me first actually) and I contacted my filtering company (Gentech) and they were super helpful in fixing up the issue. I will make sure to stay in touch with my partner and continue foreword living the beautiful  ife of kedusha, tehara, and menuchas hanefesh be"H.

Thank you all for helping me get to such a place in my life where a fall doesn't knock me off the mountain!