Does one tell himself every day 'you are stuck in this horrible mess, you are not a free man yet, and if you make one wrong move you'll go flying down the cliff again, so you better daven your heart out not to fall today' and then proceed to the 12 steps. (The advantage here is obvious)
OR
Does one try to keep his mind off of his problem as much as he can, not putting too much of a dagesh on it in davening, and recognizing it only enough - to keep to all the gedarim and follow the 12 step rules? (the advantage to this way is "kol hamisabek im menuval - misnabel" whoever fights with a dirty person - will get dirty himself )
I have been unsure for quite a while now about which method is correct. I mean I've managed to fall using both, but i just recently fell after keeping 39 days (with a lot of near falls but nevertheless), by being mekabel on myself EVERY DAY in the mik:
1)Not to use the pc when alone or in a situation that it's unlikely anyone would see what im doing.
2)Not to use the pc for anything unimportant (no stam surfing).
3)Not to fall.
And I would only obligate myself to that day, meaning the kabala would become void the following morning in the mikva - when i would be mekabel on myself the same thing for the next day.

Thats a very interesting question you pose there Kollel Guy,

The way I originally viewed it was that you ALWAYS have to be aware. Always think to yourself that you are a sex addict and when you take the next step its not liken the next guy taking a step. This did not work for me. I would fall constantly. Its like telling a guy whos afraid of heights not to look down when he's climbing the mountain. As soon as he looks down he's down. But if you dont tell him that, when he looks down, he might not view the fear of heights the same way  he used to and might not get afraid. I think we need a mixture of the 2. When you are davening this has to be our main focus. But on the street dont keep that always in ur head. My main thing is if u see something and look right away then your good. Then think about what you just did. If you walk around with your head down you are going to knock into a pole!

-Yiddle

Hi Kollel Guy,

I wouldn't judge the validity of any specific approach based on if you ended up falling or not. Can we expect to undo all these knots in just a single sitting? Whichever approach we take, we've got to let go of our need for perfection. We're conditioning our mind and body to work differently - and that takes time! Persist, and you'll see miracles! We've just got to be patient.

Let me note just one thing: During the past 8 weeks on Duvid Chaim's calls, the concept of "not falling" hasn't come up in conversation even once! Our guards and fences are up and we're marching forward in battle, but our mission is different! What's important to us is that we build a healthy character and a connection to Hashem; that's all the steps are about! "Not falling" isn't our focus. As we begin to see change through the program, our "neediness" will be uprooted and we'll fall less and less, until finally we'll stop completely. It's not our vow that we "won't fall" that keeps us in place. It's our devotion and commitment to the program - our honesty, openness, and willingness to receive.

So with that, "what we tell ourselves" isn't really important! It's the technicalities which we've set as obstacles that stand in the way of our (required) trust and commitment. Find a balance, Keep It Super Simple, and keep to it!

G'luck,
2B

Hello Kollel Guy,

Another tip for when you're out in the street: Remember the "Three second rule."

I can tell you what I do. I daven at every tefilla (In shema koleinu) that Hashem should help me stay clean till the next tefilla. That's the extent of my focusing on it.

Kedusha wrote on 09 Dec 2009 19:10:
Hey, thanks kedusha!
That is a very cool idea... In addition to the benifit of it giving you a structured plan about what to do in the street situation (which certainly beats playing it by ear) you will also gradually develop a really healthy perspective on being omeid b'nisayon - all the time.
Tizku Lemitzvos man!!

Kollel Guy wrote on 09 Dec 2009 19:20:


Glad you like that tip - I've had such a different perspective since I heard it.

Me3 wrote on 09 Dec 2009 19:18:


A very good idea.  It takes "one day at a time" to a new level.  Of course, that presupposes that the person davens three times per day.  rehab-my-site.com/guardureyes/forum/index.php?topic=944.0