[b]There is now a website with a link to contact Rabbi Twerski by email among many other things.
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www.abrahamtwerski.com/

... making this thread more or less obsolete. I am leaving it here, until I or a moderator decide it's not necessary. There are quite a few comments which I would not like to be the one to delete by removing the whole thread.


IIt occurred to me that I have and others probably have questions that they would like to ask of Rabbi Twerski. He of course is the one who really got the frum world to begin at least to realize that there are addiction problems within it and that the best way to deal with them is with the Twelve Steps. So I decided to open this thread. In it, hopefully anyone who has such a questions can post them.

Please note that Rabbi Twerski has already anwered a number of foundational (yesodistike) questions on this site at:

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/RTwerskiMain.asp

It's a great idea to get some good feedback and guidance from Rabbi Twerski. Who ever has good questions related to this struggle that they never got satisfactory replies to, post it here. I don't promise to send all questions to him, and even the ones I do send, there's no promise he'll answer them all, BUT, it can't hurt to try. Who knows? At some point, I may even send him the link to this thread and have him answer here on-line!  

Thanks Chazak.
Chazak Chazak Ve'Nitchazek!

What has changed in our society that  sexual problems - from pornography , adulltery and sexual abuse skyrocket in the last fifteen (twenty?) years?
How can we fix it, on our level?

Is it possible that someone is solely addicted to mas***? Let me explain. Can it be that somone when he was younger was depressed or had a hard life and because of that turned to porn and mas*** etc. But as he grew older he started to enjoy life see the bright part of life and feels his life is more in order. But at the same time cant get himself to stop mas***. Therefore we have here someone who seemingly is completely happy/content with his life but cant stop his actions. Or does it always mean theres a deeper reason to why hes doing it or something has to be triggering this reaction.

Whats the difference between habit and addiction?

1)Is it even remotely possible for a yid to break his habit, and NEVER fall again, through using sheer will and descision, and without any program or community?
2)What are the effects of extensive pn without any mb?
3)How do we remove the images burnt into our brain?
4)Is there any specific part of avodas H-shem, that a person who worked through his addiction should strive for, due to his knowledge and experience - over stam a yid?
5)How does a yid who has recovered, regain feelings for his wife?

If,as the Rav says,SA is pretty much the only solution,and they hold that a person must undergo a serious personality change,doesn't that make the 90 days thing counterproductive as it only serves to strengthen the ego and push off the inevitable persona work?

Uri wrote on 10 Dec 2009 05:57:


Uri, I see that you continually belabor this point, almost encouraging people to not make the attempt to go for 90 days. I know that you mean well, but let me explain why I think your approach is incorrect. Some people come to this site, and try going for 90 days with CONTROL in mind. We see this all the time. They go a few days, get confident in their control, fall, and repeat. This cycle goes on and on, until they either quit trying, or try a better method. For these people, you are 100% correct in saying that what they are doing is counterproductive. However, in my case, I came to this site simply looking for a way out. The 90 days promised a PHYSICAL difference in the urges I would face, and it therefore gave me hope. I did it, and it WORKED. I've joined DCs call now because I believe that it will help me become the person I want to be and eliminate my cravings for lust, but you need to understand that newcomers are more likely to be convinced to try the 90 days (as I was) than to join a "goyish" (notice the quotes) program like SA. Ultimately, the 90 day thing does not need to be a way to push off the necessary character improvement. Some people may attempt to use it that way, but for that you need to put the blame on the user of the method and not on the method itself.

To continue the line of reasoning that Ano's using, I think the 90 day program is similar to what Reb Shlachter is trying now with Momo. He said to him, you either go two weeks without surfing or you get on medication. I believe what he's trying to do here is to use the two weeks to SEE if he can live without medication, and if he can't, then we'll know he needs something more. It's the same thing with the 90 days. The 90 days offers you a chance to SEE if you truly NEED a complete character overhaul or not. You aim for the 90-day "magic" solution of breaking the addictive pattern. If you make it, it means that your issues were not so deeply ingrained and you have now proved to yourself that you can live a lust free life. If you keep trying to get to 90 and CAN'T, or even if you got to 90, like Ano, but you see that the lust is not going away and you have to keep white-knuckling it, that is a siman that you need SA and/or therapy! So to put it simply, the 90 days is not a goal in itself, it is a "measuring bar" to see how serious and deep your addiction goes.

but then for people like me, who have tried 90 days and never succeeded, 90 days SHOULDN't be a goal anymore. it should just be therapy/SA.
and yeah, i'm trying therapy, but i don't think it's doing much, and it's not very often.

really, it was just rage who pushed me here.

so where do i stand?

You, Habib, do have it in you to make it to 90 days. However, you didn't have enough of a push until now. Rage is helping PROVE to you that you CAN live lust free. He's bringing out the real Habib in you. And you guys are inspiring us all!

I hope you're right  :D

guardureyes wrote on 10 Dec 2009 08:42:


Not really.

I don't want to turn this thread into another 90 days vs. Rav S approach, but I feel the need to explain for myself what Rav S's 2 week assignment for me is all about.

The 2 weeks isn't the 90 days. Here's the difference:
During my 2 weeks I'm not allowed to hide from life and run to the virtual world of the Net, but I am "allowed" to act out as much as I want while in the 90 days you can't.
(This is only for me, not to condone acting out. I need to first work on my learning how to live, then I can deal with the lust issue.)
Knowing I have "permission" to act out makes the 2 weeks NOT a control issue. Instead, it's about forcing me to learning how to live.

I haven't acted out yet, and I don't plan on it. I figure while I'm stopping surfing forbidden images and that lessens my lust, I might as well NOT act out. But the fact I can act out if I want to makes it more manageable.

This is a very personal approach and everyone should speak to his/her own therapist for practical advice. If the 90 days works for you and you don't feel controlled and choked up about it, you have no heter to act out.

This question may have been dealt with elsewhere on the site, so please direct me if so.

  My oldest son is 10 years old. I have always felt that if I had been told about puberty in a mature fashion and the implications of MZL, I might not have fallen. However in frum circles these issues are generally not discussed until it is usually too late. They seem to  hope that the first time a boy will discover attraction to women etc will be in the Yichud room.
In a book about sex education which I read only after I was married (unfortunately, I think) the author pointed out that girls need to be told about puberty for practical reasons, but because boys do not have the same necessity it is ignored.
Anyway the question is, is there a definitive answer about informing  a frum boy about puberty ?

OMG, Ovadia, that's a great question.

Just to add to that question, I'd like to know how to tell your son not to look at women or touch himself.
On one hand, I'm afraid that if we talk about it, it will give him ideas or a complex about it.
On the other hand, I'm afraid if we don't say anything, our boys will figure out bad habits on their own.

I think we should discuss these issues, but the question is HOW?