Hey MN, maybe nothing is wrong with u at all? maybe hashem is just testing u and giving u an oppertunity to get שכר each time such a thought comes by you just pushing it away- even if it takes u a while to push it away. If u keep doing this so eventually u will have passed, and the yetzer horah will leave u alone. it may just take 40 consecutive days (i think that is the number brought down). so if ur wondering why its still happening, this may be the reason. so in fact ur really ok!

Habib613,
thanks for being there- Boruch Hashem, I survived the night- and managed to keep clean on the computer side of things.
I have to reset my wall however, since- I slipped today in my Avodah for the chart which has to do with falling to voyeuristic tendencies in real life- (even if I'm not successful and don't see anything)  I am keeping a separate chart for internet stuff- and I'm doing pretty well- not to say that temptation doesn't beckon from time to time as was made public during a moment of desperation last night but I'm still in for the count.
Ark321, thank you for the chizuk!
Kollel Guy- thank you for reminding me- I gotto talk to my wife right now and take care of that darn password
thank you all,  MN

i'm so sorry i didn't reply to this right away.
I'm glad you didn't fall on the computer.
but why keep seperate charts?
it's like for someone to keep 2 charts, one for acting out, and one for watching stuff...
if they both increase your level of lust, so why keep them seperate?

sorry if you already answered that and i just didn't read it

K Habib613- this why I like to keep separate charts- on the computer stuff I feel like I'm getting a handle on it- and I can go for a chunk of time without slipping,  With the voyeuristic stuff- this has been part of me for a long time- and it is much harder for me to get a handle on- If I fall in that- I want to be able to keep track and work on it,
But at the same time I want to be able to look at my computer progress and not feel like throwing in the towel, because anyway I just reset myself on the wall.
Is this making any sense?

Dear Chaveirim,
This place is so big- I don't know if anyone will read this post- but I am very disappointing with myself.
After a good bunch of months of not having any big Nefilas- probably since the Summer- I found myself stuck to the computer (someone elses computer with out a filter for 3 hours!  ???.
It started by falling into a voyeur nisayon- finding myself creeping- which is also against the law according to my understanding. I told myself rather than risk everything- much better to find what I was hoping for on the internet- which of coarse after a little time of searching was able to find. At least I was not risking getting carted away!!!
So after reading all the chizuk mail daily etc. I know the right answers go through the steps of the handbook, etc etc.
The dismay comes from- wondering even if I am able to be clean for chunks of time- will I ever be able to have a life that where I am not hypocritical, have things that I'm doing that are incredibly embarrasing.
When I am in a good routine- I find it harmful to keeping clean hearing about all the battling and falling and the stories- it brings it to my consciousness- and for me can trigger negative thinking.I don't necessarily find it helpful to dwell on the addiction on a daily basis.  On the other hand after a few months and the pain and embarrassment of the last fall has diminished I allow myself to get whopped. I don't want to be a hypocrite!!! I really want to be able to be a consistent and real role model for my family and for others.  How do I keep clean always!!!!!  I know Dov, the first step is admitting that I am an addict forever- I guess. Can someone reach out to me, the know it all- the one who helps other people with Nisyonos of the internet.
I don't G-d forbid want to be one of the guys that ends up on in the expose section of the Jewish newspaper. I don't want to let down all those that look up to me!!!!!  with dissapointment and numbness- MN

I feel so helpless here. It's almost Shabbos; I shouldn't even be checking the Forum; I'm certainly not prepared or entitled to tell anyone else what to do when I can't really get it done myself; etc.

Yet I certainly want to take a second to reach out to a fellow Yid and wish a Good Shabbos etc.

I'm particularly struck that you KNOW there are limits. You know some things are likely against the law. Could lead to your name in the newspaper or whatever. So you have a fear of man.  If you love HKB'H as much as you love people, you'll find a way to connect the dots. You won't break civil law, then you'll find a way not to break His law, either.

You already SEE you can follow limits; now it's just a question of expanding those limits heavenward.

I don't know how, but you're SO FAR on your way already.

Keep writing.  PM if you like. - Briut

hi MN -

welcome!

I see my YH is working overtime - I just posted a long reply - but timed out and the message was not posted.
ugh!

in short - the advertising industry spends MILLIONS of dollars annually to try to figure out how to play into ones fears and fantasies about voyuerism.

look at any magazine ad (if you can find a kosher one) - notice the ad allows you to peer into someone elses life.

that is part of the "fun". But do you really think the actors in the ad are not aware of you the reader looking at them?

p**n takes it one step further -
the actors know you are looking at them...they look back as though to invite you in (to their stage) ...

you can see them, they acknowledge that you are looking at them...you can see them, but they cannot see you.

but guess what -
with the tides have been turned...

because you (and me, and everyone else) are being watched!
internet sites track our click habits, our spending habits, our internet addresses...

and the latest round of virus can even flag your computer as a hub for various illegal p**n... which gets passed to others without you even knowing it...unless of course the FBI, or one of your family members, or email contacts, or computer technician who fixes your computer  happen to find some of this p**n on your computer...

in which case you will be the one everyone is looking at....

long gone are the days of telescopes peering into ones neighbors house...the tides have surely been turned... and voyuerism is a very dangerous game. the hunter, soon becomes the hunted.

dov in israel

I read your post. You are not a hipacriete, you are a Jew who is commited to doing God's Will and has an addiction. The addiction takes it's own work and those who have traveled that path can help you more than me.