Hello everyone,

Over the past past ten months or so, I have been a little less active on the site, as I started a job, enrolled in a course, and started to meet with a therapist. BH, my time with the therapist has been quite helpful. I experienced a degree of sobriety for 5 months and have been a lot better in how I have risen up from falls and find myself with a generally healthier perspective. I also feel a greater degree of confidence in myself and ability to be proactive to achieve sobriety and handle my feelings and emptions healthily.

However, there are areas I need to address better. At work, I am the only observant Jew and do not see others for hours on end, particularly this time of year, when women expose themselves more. I often feel alone and up against a wall, which are triggers for me to act out or to experience a decrease in my self-confidence and self-esteem and become down on myself. 

I find that taking myself out of this isolation is tremendously productive. Particularly, writing helps me come to terms with this nosayon we face and rise up to the occasion. I plan on posting Torah thoughts, divrei chizuk, or feelings here so that I can bring this challenge out into the open and help myself and others who struggle with lust. My posts may be somewhat irregular, but I am shooting for a couple times a week or so. Certainly feel free to discuss what I bring up. I plan on responding to comments but also will post new Torah/chizuk/thoughts as well.

It's wonderful to be a part of this chevra,

Phill

Sounds like you are well on your way to full recovery, looking forward to hearing (or rather reading) what your divrei torah/thoughts/experiences

As we mourn the destruction of the Bais Hamikdash, we must remember the ultimate cause of any tragedy occurring on Tisha B'av - The incident of the meraglim. The meraglim were leaders of their shevatim- amongst the most exalted people of the greatest generation -the Dor Deah, who lived through the experience of receiving the Torah at Har Sinai. How could they commit such a consequential aveirah? What lead them to be overcome by fear, slander Eretz Yisrael, and cause the B'chiya L'doros that would lead to future Tisha B'av tragedies?

When the meraglim entered Eretz Yisrael and caught glimpses of the giant Canaanim they would need to defeat, they became afraid. They realized that they were physically smaller and were miya'aish from winning. The tragedy was not that the Canaanim viewed the Jews as insects but that the Meraglim themselves did not see an ability within themselves to persevere. As the Torah writes: ״ונהי בעינינו כחגבים וכן היינו בעיניהם.״ 

the Meraglim saw themselves as grasshoppers in their own eyes and went onto believe that they must be considered such in the eyes of the Canaanim as well.

While it is perfectly normal to feel a sense a fear and be emotionally thrown off, allowing these negative thoughts to fester and consume ourselves is the root of personal and public tragedy. Even if we fail and become scared as to how we can ever successfully guard our eyes, not masturbate, not fantasize, or direct our drive in the right direction, we are never grasshoppers. If we see ourselves as such, we will continue to shrink and wallow in our mistakes and self-pity. However, if we realize that Hashem gives each and every one of us an inherent ability to recalibrate when we fall down or get thrown off emotionally, the challenge will build us into giants, slowly but surely. Instead of shrinking into grasshoppers, we will realize an ability to grow into better people and tap the unlimited possibility to become the greatest versions of ourselves.

Beautiful idea thank you. I struggled a lot with this idea. I argued with my therapist about this. If I felt something was inherently wrong with me I will never overcome this struggle. I have a pure neshama and desire a connection with Hashem , we all on GYE are not grasshoppers. WE are the giants! Going against the whole world and their pursuit for porn.

Very nice dvar Torah. I think that its one of the fundamental things that people and especially addicts struggle with. To rephrase it a little, the meraglim had to a certain level low self esteem. It also seems almost contrary to what we are supposed to be feeling during these days since I associate such times of mourning as sad ones in which we are to blame for. With that said a person can feel low which in turn causes him to sin which is clearly counter productive. Instead its recognizing that we are to blame but have the power to change things which is sad and painful yet at the same time motivating. The beis hamikdash was destroyed because of me - but I can rebuild it. I mourn what my actions caused - but I can fix it. My addiction caused me to waste a significant portion of my life (and I mean life in every aspect) - but I don't have to let that be the case anymore [I took the liberty to add some of my own thoughts in this regard since I feel that its within the same line of thinking that you started off with]