i'm still a little worried about the anxiety taking over from not acting out. jack

Jack, your thinking has become clearer.  You're finding your passion, you're helping others on this forum, you've admitted you have a problem and doing something about it.  Think of the hundreds if not thousands of people out there who are still in denial.  And I don't mean the river in Egypt.

Balance is hard to find.  That's why we say the serenity prayer every day.  G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

once you know the difference, that's balance and serenity. to me, at least.

Jack,

  Firstly, I think that you should erase the word "worried" from your vocabulary. This word and others like it, are the arsenal of you know who. Words have power, and the words that we say or think DO cause a change in our nervous system. Don't be worried!
  I would agree with Elya  that your thinking has in fact become clearer. The fact that you HAVE been able to be clean for so long is proof of it.

it's just that yesterday a little anxiety popped into my head, and i again felt like i was going to fail.but dont worry - i stayed clean.but my thoughts are not there yet - they're still in the gutter. jack

Jack, someone once posted on a forum about this the following:

You can't wrestle with a pig and not get dirty. The thoughts will come - accept that. It doesn't mean anything. At those times, try to just acknowledge that they popped into your head, wish them a friendly 'shalom aleichem!' and then move on to try and do something else. Worrying about them or doing something with the express purpose of getting rid of them just won't work - you're wrestling with the pig. Pray to Hashem and say; 'Ribono Shel Olam, I know that it is my fault that I have these thoughts. I don't want them. Help me to distract myself to something else and leave them be.'

Dear great Mizakeh Harabim GUE,

It seems that I just can't ever find the right words to thank you and praise you. Anything I write, seems so lacking.

Hashem should give you tremendous hatzlocho in everything, especially in your zikui harabim endeavours. The Kedusha that you have started spreading, should grow exponentially, until the world becomes full of kedusha instead of tumah -UMALAH HAARETZ DEYAH ES HASHEM KAMAYIM LAYOM MICHASIM.

I love all yidden with all my heart. I have a special place in my heart for fellow strugglers. But for you, there are no words. I simply get stuck trying to explain it...........

Thank you! You warm words make it all worth it!

The menuval paskened for me that I don't have to post the following, but he's not my posek. [The Gemoroh says: Tzadikim, Yetzer Tov shoftum; Reshaim yetzer harah shoftum and I don't want to be a rasha]

I had some big trouble lately, this is how it went. I was really starting to feel "up" lately. When jack hit 90 days it gave me an additional boost, then came the R' Tzvi Meirs daughters chasuna and I really started feeling like I'm getting back to the good days of Davening, learning, shmiras einayim and simcha. The menuval was of course not ready to give in without a serious fight. So first he got me down with his usual weapon of having my wife speak not nicely to the kids (I'm very very sensitive to that because I know it destroys them) Then he filled up my regular email box with a bunch of spam, which were all links to bad sites. I didn't click any of them but having it put in front of me like that was very unsettling. Then he got me super curious about the kind of stuff that I wrote about in my story. Baruch Hashem I wasn't MZ'L -not even close, I didn't go to any porn sites and I didn't gaze at bad stuff. But I did see a lot of bad stuff in passing, and of course I was left more unsettled and desperatly curious than before. There was this one thing that I just desperatly wanted to check out the next time I'm by the computer and I didn't feel like I could control it.

Then I went to the last Sheva Berochos. As I danced my kishkus out, I realized that I'm totally ready to die for Hashem, but to shecht the y'h is harder than dying. But after dancing enough I made two very strong kabolos. I will not play around with searches and stuff like that at all for the next two months (I will only search for something that I specifically need) And I will not ever pursue this stupidity that I was so curious about, even if I have to suffer or die from it. I came out of that Sheva Berochos a new person, and right now I'm realizing that once I made these kabalos, this stupid curiosity that wouldn't leave me alone for a minute for two days, suddenly went away.

By the way, there's no question in the world that if not for you tzadikim, I would've fallen really badly.
In the future, I hope to report only good news.

Isn't that good news? It means you had a tough battle to fight, and you won! What could be better news than that? :D

These are the stories that make up the light of the world to come. Battleworn is living proof of the words of the holy Zohar that we brought in today's chizuk e-mail.

THERE IS NO LIGHT AND NO GOOD UNLESS IT CAME THROUGH DARKNESS AND BAD FIRST. AND THIS IS AVODAH SHLEIMAH.

Battle: Keep the chizuk coming. Wen you tell us about your winnings, it gives me the extra push I need to win.

Today I was in the wash room and a sick disgusting news paper was right there with an enticing add to turn to page 3 for PRITZUS. I thought and struggled and then remembered all you guys, closed it and threw it to the other end of the room.My thought was this: each win gives chizuk to others. I know Hashem was very proud of me and i am sure my shabbos will be much more kedushadik because of it.
hatzlacha

Zocher CHASDEI AVOS UMEIVI GOEL!!

Somobody wrote me an e-mail and said he was very inspired by Battleworn but he asked me to pass this on to him:

Brother, I hear nothing 'worn' about the way you're describing your battle.  It sounds like you are fresh and rising to the challenges.  I'm inspired hearing about it and I thank you deeply.

I'm wondering about your email name.  Battleworn.  I don't know you and don't presume to.  But in calling yourself 'battleworn' are you weakening yourself in the ongoing struggle that we will all be fighting?  I wonder if it would be helpful for you (and maybe I should do something myself in this way) to close your eyes, and bring to mind and heart this 'battle' and imagine you see yourself fighting it.  And note what you see.  Maybe write down all the descriptive words.  In keeping with finding the 'nekudot tovot' chose the descriptive words that are empowering in the battle.  Drop the ones that aren't.  And rename yourself.  See good.  Think good.  Name good.  Be good.  Hazak Hazak!
Just an idea.  It sounds like you're doing great work .

First of all, Thank You all so much! I appreciate every good word and it's really mechazek me.

The fact is that I haven't been feeling fresh at all, for the past few years. When you know what real living means and you've experienced it. Not for a day or two, but for a long time. And then you come crashing down "Meigra rama lebira amikta", naturally it has to brake you in to a million pieces. It's plain physics.  And that's the small problem. I don't write about what's really on my heart, because I don't want to take a chance of being identified. Even though a lot of it has to do with our topic.
What I'm trying to do, is to keep fighting despite the way I feel. That is actually the biggest tikun there is. And that's my name and that's also my main message to whoever it pertains to.

But as I wrote, thanks to you guys, I have started to feel alive again. The last few days I've gotten some very interesting looks from my kids. They don't remember me as a happy energetic person. Please daven for me, that I should soon feel ready to change my name!

As far as the idea of looking from the outside, I really like it. I think we should all be doing that. Also that's one of the big benefits of the forum. Everyone gets to see how their struggle looks from the outside. It's always much brighter that way!