Today I updated the chart, and I am currently at 25 days B"H.
Today i am having that horrible feeling, and the problem was that I could not even pinpoint it. I kept thinking what to post on the forum.... “Hi everyone, I feel horrible today, can you give me some help!” What could I expect from such a request? I also felt like an idiot to just reach out for help without anything positive to say. To add to it, when I have this feeling I feel like i don’t have the emotional energy to fight and I just want to switch off and the result is normally...!
Well, I just spent Mincha cracking my head thinking what triggered today’s down. I am not really sure, but I think that the following at least contributed to it.
B”h I have quite an intensive schedule before i leave to work every day. I have a chavrua before daavening and after daavening, and I lead the daavening every morning. I also have to make sandwiches for my kids and send them off to school. All this between 5 and 9 in the morning. Normally on the way to work I am able to read a sefer or something but today I just spaced out. I started losing focus. Maybe because of the fast (Asara Beteves) maybe because of the long daavening. I think that I wanted to wind down. Almost like I had had enough Ruchniyus for the day. Now I just wanted to relax.
I am still feeling horrible, and I have no idea how today is going to end, but just forcing myself to crack the feeling definitely has been a help.

No need to feel bad to ask for help. Were all waiting and willing. Besides our helping you is also helping us.

Sorry to hear about your down day. Im sure the fast doesnt make it easier at all. Say to yourself," today just aint my day". So you spaced out?? Your not the biggest loser for that. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes MORE to the best of us. We have to realize allthough we feel we have control of our daily schedule thers always the higher power. Tell yourself tomorrow will be different but in the meantime let m enjoy the rest of the day.

Hope i helped a little. 

ovadia wrote on 27 Dec 2009 12:58:


Could it be perhaps hunger?

Reb Ovadia - I can understand your feelings...it's uncomfortable to ask for help, even when we need it. I was in a similar situation a few days ago, and boruch hashem, some of our holy warriors gave me the chizuk I needed.

It's incredible that even in the middle of a fast day, you're able to examine what went on and realize that the missing factor is your learning in the morning. I hope that when you can eat, things improve. But no matter what, we're here for you. To quote Uri,
"I ask you,dear brother
What's there to fear?
Don't think you're alone now!
Nope.Your brothers are here!"

IT25 - I finally get the line...and yes, Guard IS the man! :D :D :D

Thank you everyone. Your replies are very heartwarming. Yes it is uncomfortable to have to ask for help. It is difficult to talk about my weaknesses from a helpless point of view. I must say that I would have been inclined not to face up to it, but a PM from a Tzaddik who just dropped by to say "Ovadia, how are you doing ?" forced me to do it. Thank you !

Remember that we really are here for you, and we're all happy to let you know how much you care (in case you forget) 

OVADIA, YOU ARE SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!!

Wow Momo, you really knocked me there. But please, I don't know what I have done to be special but one thing is for sure, you guys are very special. I feel like I just owe it to all of you to put my chin up even if I don't feel like it - and it seems to work !! I can't wait to meet you all at the "ultimate kumsits" after 120 !!

It's very humbling to ask for help, and sometimes that's what it takes to overcome these feelings.

And, sometimes our job is just to keep up the good work in the middle of darkness.  For me, this thought alone has sometimes turned the darkness into light:

Oh, it's dark.  Hey, I think I'm supposed to serve Hashem in the dark just as I would in the light--I'm supposed to stay even-keel.  These feelings are not ME, they are the terrain I am treading through; I can separate myself from them...

HEY, I'M STILL SERVING HASHEM EVEN THOUGH IT'S DARK!!!

HEY, IT FEELS BRIGHT!!!

(And sometimes the light doesn't go on for a day or two, but it comes back on).

Thankyou for reaching out.  It's a lot better to reach out than to report a fall!!!

KUTGW!

  --Eye.

Hope you are feeling better by now Ovadia.

A call for help is so powerful.
It bring the gang rushing over, reminding you that you are not alone,
but it also sends a very  powerful message to the yh - "Im not your slave who has no one to turn to because you are my master. I am free. And I can call for help, and help will come, because I  am NOT your servant without free will. Hashem is my Master, and His servants, the GYE family, will never leave me to fall alone!'

Good luck, now and always!

7Up wrote on 27 Dec 2009 17:46:
100% pure genuine BINAH YESAYRUH.

Firstly, I'd like to apologise if the point I'm about to make has already been said. I didn't have the head to read through all the posts. That being said, I would like to say that with all respect I strongly disagree with Uri's view (see reply #1). I believe there is such a thing as triggers. Triggers are intentionally set up to test us. When the trigger occurs that is the moment to take hold of ourselves and say "NO - I'M NOT GOING TO DO THIS! Its oh so hard! We feel taken over by this 'trigger'. But as soon as we sucsessfully run away from it the trigger disappears. Its a battle that is won or lost in a few seconds.
Doesn't it feel great when we have managed to control ourselves? This good-feeling factor is very important. Let me explain. When faced with a sudden challenge or trigger for example should I or shouldn't I look, you might break it down to - Should I get enjoyment or not? Well putting it that way doesn't make option 2 very attractive! However, if you consider the good-feeling factor of not looking, then the two options are: look and enjoy, or dont look and enjoy. Now we have a fair dilemma!
So remember, the triggers are there from Hashem Himself, giving you an oppertunity to show that you really meant it when you said 'never again'. In a way its a wonderful gift. So take it on with two hands!

I wrote a response but deleted it.
Ark,feel free to disagree with my view.
You don't have to agree with me,and any amount of arguing will probably not get you to agree with me.
This goes for everyone else as well.
I have my shitta.
Some agree with me.
Some don't.
It's control on my part to try to get everyone to agree with me.
So I'm gonna try letting go.
Everyone do what you want.
And that goes for everyone who emails me on the topic,or gchats me.
I am no longer responding to any provocations or questions on the topic.

A layla tov lekulam
-uri

p.s. my blog will still include provocative statements and posts.

I think we both agree that whatever approach works for you, then thats the one to take. For some, one type of approach is suitable, while for another it is not. At the end of the day we all have the same goals - to try and help ourselves and each other.

I didn't see Uri's post. However - there are obviously triggers in our lives. But at the moment when we're faced with a nisayon, if we scramble to work on ourselves, we don't have a good chance of success (I believe that R' Yitzchok Blazer refers to us as an "ones" at that point). The time when we're supposed to do work is beforehand, to do the inner work and truly change ourselves. Both by dealing with our deeper issues, and by preparing our responses for the time when we're facign a trigger, so that we already have the right response programmed in.