On the heels of the post about telling one's wife...what if you're actually dating someone. Now, there are a few scenarios, but let's say that the guy is already clean. Can we also discuss the possibility of a guy who's actually met women?

Even after a guy is clean for a while, it's very hard to explain that he's really dedicated to frumkeit, or explain the reasons behind what happened.

Should he say anything? Women, what do you think?

www.guardureyes.com/GUE/RTwerski/Dating.asp

I'm almost hoping that i never find the right guy so that i never have to tell him

The right guy will understand and appreciate the diamond that you are working so hard to reveal...

?
u seriously think any normal guy would be ok with this?

k, R' guard, don't mean to nag, but it's 2.15 am.
unless you happen to be visiting the states, it's pretty late for you,no?

ok, back to the topic at hand.

what would my friends say if their chosson told them they used to be addicted to p and m?
so it really matters.
friend A i almost got close to telling. she's chassidish, but a little more worldly. what would she say? if you showed her this site, told her you hit 90, and you work really hard to avoid triggers, she'd probably say fine.

friend B- yeshivish, wants someone learning for the next 20+, would probably tell you how great you are, but even if she were in love, would say sorry, not shayach.

friend C- yeshivish, would never ever accept it. but she's a very straight and narrow girl.

friend D- grew up out of town, yeshivish, is pretty realistic, and would also probably say fine if you hit 90 days, showed her the site, etc.

I have found that out-of-towners who grew up in the shmutz are more understanding about this.
really really it depends.
also, as well as i know my friends, it's very possible that if faced with this decision they might surprise me.
so i wish you hatzlocho
and i'm sure mom would also offer, but if you are dating/ engaged and the girl wants to talk to a girl, if Guard thinks it's ok, you can give her my email address.

wait, you know i'm a girl, right?
:D :D :D :D :D :D

Ha - yes, I got that  :D And I appreciate the offer - if it comes to that, I may take you up on it.

What about a guy that had actually met women? But since discussing it with his rebbe, has been completely clean?

And how do you bring something like that up? Also, I kinda feel like having her know that information can hurt the relationship in other ways, even not in a spiritual sense, just the knowledge that the guy has been with other women...?

As far as how guys would deal with finding out - I suspect that most smart, understanding guys would want to talk to their rabbeim about it. And after consulting with a rebbe, and probably a therapist, i think you'd be good to go!

Somehow, I have the feeling that guys would be more understanding than women...am I way off on that?

wait, i left out some friends

friend E- frum but not yeshivish. she'd be ok with it if you told her you were clean. i think
friend F- not very frum... like has friends who are boys, but no boyfriend- would think you were crazy if you told her you were addicted. would totally think you're normal.
friend G- very tzioni type, frum. would tell you to just stop it. but i think that has more to do with her personality

hmmm....didn't get that part of the q.
can you just classify yourself religiously? not judging, just that i think it would matter.

I understand - Yeshivish, I guess. As in, I feel strongly connected to my yeshiva (which happens to be one the big, well-known ones). I don't wear a black hat and jacket all the time, although I think it would be good if I could. Not my primary battle right now, though 

And I've been to college.

I'm really just generalizing here.
i think if it was way in the past they'd be more forgiving.

also, you'd have to be really really sensitive to how they feel
like pick up body language and facial expressions... all those things guys are notoriously bad at that would help tremendously

You mean how they feel about me in general? Or about the topic?

Sigh. So what do i do in the meantime? Not date for a while, even if I'm totally clean, just to get chronological time in?

So you're saying that I need to inject myself with some female DNA before I try it?

about everything.
realistically, you tell her you used to meet with women. and she's going to be on the defensive. like, how can i trust this guy? and she can't ask your rosh yeshiva. she's not going to trust what he says.
so you just have to show her that it's only her. you don't care about anyone else, that that is a gone and forgotten stage of your life. that it helped you to grow to become the person that you are now, but that you are never going back there, you never want to go back there.
from now on, till forever, it's only her.
and that's pretty hard. so if she shrugs her shoulders, or bites her lip- you have to realize she's uncomfortable. ask her what she's thinking. let her talk...

and even if you met the right girl now, you're not going to tell her on the first date. it's be at least a week or two from when you start dating. and before that it takes a while for everyone to agree that you can go out, and before that someone has to suggest someone...

plus, let's not forget Hashem's really mezaveg zivugim.
so if you've been clean for 90, i don't see any reason why you shouldn't start...
when it's the right time Hashem will send her.

just make sure not to fall because you're dating. girls get pretty dressed up...

A lot of good points - thank you. Even the idea of waiting 90 days is honestly pretty hard. The major reason I got involved in this is because honestly, I don't have many single friends left, and the ones that are single are mostly super-busy in their own lives. Now that I've stopped, I realize how bad a solution it was. But Although I know what I'm doing is right, I'm still left feeling incredibly alone. And on top of that, I've stopped dating for now, so I totally feel bogged down.

But then I read your post with all the liberal jokes, and that made me smile!  I even told my parents the joke (though I didn't tell them where I got it from), and the enjoyed, as well.