Hi, I am joining the forum for the first time today.
Since finding this amazing site about a month ago, I switch back and forth between inspiration / hope and despair.
Every time I read a Chizuk email and I follow the various links my heart warms. First of all just knowing that among all the shmutz out there is an oasis of Kedusha called GYE. makes me feel privileged to be part of Klal Yisroel “ Asher Bachar Banu Meekol Hoamim.. Vehivdeelonu min hatoim”.
The stories of all the Kedoishim who have overcome the Nisayon/addiction are incredible.
I read and I identify, and the more I read the more I become aware of the dangers, the pitfalls and also of the benefits and the freedom of getting out, and in my heart I want to grab on and join and then..... as if I am possessed, as if someone else has taken control of me, I am given the tiniest opportunity and I cannot resist and I fall.
I know that my story is fairly typical but it is good for me to get it out, and maybe there are “symptoms” which others can identify with.
I grew up in a frum, stable home. Untill the age of forteen I was a naive little boy who knew nothing about Zera, masturbating, and definitely not pornography. I have distinct memories of seeing on occasion inappropriate pictures in the newspaper and I would turn the page quickly. This was a direct result of my frum chinuch.
All this changed when in moved a new kid on the block. We became friends and through him I became aware of masturbation and he introduced me to pornography. A new world was open to me. Pornography did not excite me. In fact it made me sick but after another “open minded” friend lent me an adult novel, I was able to feed my fantasies the way that I wanted to. As time went on I started to look for or buy soft pornography. At one point I even kept a collection of pictures.
I entered Yeshiva. I had a good name and I learnt well. I don’t remember feeling that my problems were chronic, but I carried on with periodic breaks, trying to stop without much success. The ONLY success if any came from serious learning.
I was B”H happy in yeshiva despite continuing my old habits
I married a wonderful wife and we have B”H a number of children. I spent ten years in Kollel. Although I would have “attacks” during which I would look for stimulation (inappropriate telephone numbers) and I carried on masturbating, as long as I was learning full time I felt that the Y”H was dormant to an extent.
After ten years learning I had to leave full time learning for parnosso reasons and to work in an office.
My Rav told me that I had to do it, despite the Nisyanos involved (although I must say that I never made him aware that I am ypersensitive to Shmuts).
I entered a non frum workplace and I tried for a long time and to a large extent succeeded in continuing to remain the Ben Torah that I had been. I gained the respect of my irreligious colleagues for my yidishkiet. I carried on learning when I could and  i generally thanked HaShem over and over again for being able to provide for my family and being able to maintain a frum lifestyle at the same time.
But as the saying goes “old habits die hard” and eventually the Y”H made his inroads.
The internet opened a new world for me. First of all I loved the thrill of having the whole world at my fingertips. Then I began clicking on links from sites related to work, and from there it wasn’t long to news sites – entertainment sites – fashion sites and ultimately porn sites.
What should I say? I hate myself for it. I really try to live a spiritual life and I am acutely aware of how much spiritual damage I am doing by playing around with Gilui Arayus, and yet I just cannot say to myself “NO!”
This is my story. If you have read it thank you for listening to me and thank you for being my new family.And most importantly thank you to Guard who has taken the time to encourage me and  guide me with his emails to join the forum. Thank you 

Ovadia, welcome to the forum.

Thankyou for sharing your story.

Good luck!

  --Eye.

Dear Ovadia,

Welcome to our community! Once you’ve arrived, there’s no turning back. Everyone here will just grab a hold of you and pull you up, up, up!

I think a lot of us can relate well to your story.  I certainly can.

Scientific studies have shown that it takes 90 days to change a neural thought pattern that was ingrained in the brain through addictive behaviors. Did you join the 90 day chart on-line? Sign up over here.

We get cries for help every day, by e-mail and on the forum. Tzuras Rabim Chatzi Nechama    And that is why we created the GYE handbooks (links below). If you read them well, from beginning to end, slowly, and try to implement what you read, you will find the answers within them to enable you to completely turn your life around. You’re worth it.

Also, join the daily Chizuk e-mail lists to get fresh chizuk every day, and post away on this forum. You will get tons of daily Chizuk and support. This disease can’t be beat alone. It works best when you get out of isolation!

GuardYourEyes also offers various free anonymous phone conferences, where you can join a group of other frum Yidden, along with an experienced sponsor. See this page for four different options. Our conferences are taking place daily, throughout the week… This would be a tremendous step in the right direction for you and help you learn freedom from this addiction. Not only will you learn the secret of the 12-Steps – which is known to be the world’s most powerful program for beating addiction having helped millions world wide, but joining the group will be another way of GETTING OUT OF ISOLATION and connecting with others who are going through what you are.

Let me tell you a little about the two GuardYourEyes handbooks. They lay down the cornerstone and foundation of our work, and they make our network much more effective and helpful for people.

You see, until now, people would often get "lost" when coming to our website, not knowing what tips and techniques to try. For example, a beginner wouldn’t jump straight into therapy or 12-Step groups, while on the other hand, someone whose addiction was more advanced wouldn’t be helped by the standard tips of "making fences" putting in "filters" etc… So it was essential to develop a handbook which details all the techniques and tools to dealing with this addiction in progressive order. Now with these handbooks, anyone can read through and see what steps they’ve tried already, and if those steps haven’t worked, they can continue on through the handbook where the steps become progressively more powerful and "addiction-oriented".

And the second handbook, called the "Attitude" handbook, can also help anyone, no matter what level of addiction they may have. Often people write in to us saying that had they only known the proper outlook & attitude that we try and share on the GuardYourEyes network when they were younger, they would have never fallen into an addiction in the first place! So we hope that through this handbook, many addictions will be prevented.

The handbooks are PDF files, set up as eBooks, and they have bookmarks and hyper-links in the Index, to make them easy to navigate.

Note: You might want to print them out to read away from the computer. Keep in mind though, that if you do this, you won’t be able to click on the many web links in the articles. But you can always come back to them later. The truth is, it’s anyway good to go through the whole handbook once without clicking on links, just to get an overview of all the tools available. Once you did that, you can start again from tool #1 and read each tool through more carefully, click the links and study each technique and assess whether you have tried it fully yet or not…

Right click on the links below and select "Save Link/Target As" to download the handbooks to your computer.

1) The GuardYourEyes Handbook

This Handbook details 18 suggested tools and techniques, in progressive order, beginning with the most basic and fundamental approaches to dealing with this addiction, and continuing down through increasingly earnest and powerful methods. For the first time, we can gauge our level of addiction and find the appropriate tools for our particular situation. And no matter what level our addiction may have advanced to, we will be able to find the right tools to break free in this handbook!

2) The GuardYourEyes Attitude

The Attitude Handbook details 30 basic principles to help us maintain the proper attitude and perspective on this struggle. Here are some examples: Understanding what we are up against, what it is that Hashem wants from us, how we can use this struggle for tremendous growth, how we can deal with bad thoughts, discovering how to redirect the power of our souls, understanding that every little bit counts, learning how to bounce back up after a fall, and so on and so forth…

May Hashem be with you!

OVADIA WOW!! WHAT A NAME SEE THIS WEEKS HAFTORAH OVADIA!! YUP ONE PEREK THE WHOLE SEFER

OVADIA WAS A GER FROM THE FAMILY OF ESAV AND HE SAVED THE NEVIIIM FROM THE MIRSHAAS IZ-EVEL

OVADIA SAYS THAT HE SEES ALL THE NATIONS RISING ON THE LADDER

HASHEM TELLS HIM MISHAM FROM THERE AREEEDEM  I WILL THROW THEM DOWN

OVADIA!! ALL THIS GARBAGE WILL COME CRASHING DOWN!!!!

GO ON THE CHART FOR 90 DAYS IT IS A GREAT MOTIVATION!!

HERE'S A FEW TIPS

SMILE YOUR WAY THRU THIS ,YESS LAUGH AT THE YH's ROTTEN FACE

HE EXTREMELY TRICKY ,HE WILL GIVE YOU SOME WIGGLE ROOM TO START YOUR BATTLE ,AS SOON AS HE FEELS YOU ARE COMFY HE WILL POUNCE LIKE A TIGER,SO NOW YOU KNOW HIS M.O.

TBC

bardichev

Reb Bard, Baruch Shekivanta! A Tzadik once sent me the following e-mail about 3 weeks ago:

I would like to tell you why I chose the username Ovadia.It is after Ovadia HaNovi who is my inspiration.
Chazal ask "Why did Ovadia prophecise about the downfall of Esav?"
Answer "Let Ovadia who lived between two wicked people (Achav and Ezevel) and was not influenced by them, and prophecise about Esav who lived with two righteous people (Yitschak and Rivka) And did not allow himself to be influenced by them.
R Dessler ZT"L explains that whereas we know that one is always influenced by his surroundings, if he succeeds in going against the tide then the environment has the opposite effect on him.
Esav resisted the influence of Yitschak and Rivka and became the epitemy of evil. Ovadia resisted the influence of Achav and Ezevel and thereby elevated himself.
This made me think that even though being exposed to certain Yetzer Horas is dangerous, and we don't want them, however if I am confronted with them, by resisting I can reach higher Madreiges just like Ovadia.
I heard a similar thought a few years ago from R Ezriel Tauber Shlita.
He related that he was asked to speak in a certain school, wher the principal had discovered that the kids were sharing blue movies. This is what he told them.
He said that the 6000 years of creation are split into three parts. The first part corresponds to Eloikai Avraham, the second to Elokai Yitschok and the thir to Elokai Yaakov. However the Chasima of creation corresponds to Magen Avraham as in the Brocho.
What was the Gadlus of Avraham Avinu?
That he was able to stand up against an entire world that worshiped Avoda Zora, and he preached monothism.
Said R Tauber: When we face a computer with access to the world, every one is an individual Avrohom Avinu, because we each face an entire world. This is why our generation corresponds to Avraham.
Thanks for everything
Ovadia

To my dearest friends,
Yes, that email a few weeks ago was from me! I nearly cried when I saw your replies today. I only realized after I had posted yesterday that Hashgocho had made me do it the week of the Haftoro of my hero/inspiration. I know that I have to launch my 90 days. I will start "the count" Bli Neder on Shabbos.
Please HaShem give me the strength.
Ovadia

Hayom, im bekolo Tishma'un.

Start your count TODAY  

There's nothing but today - and there never WILL be anything but today. We can't eat for tomorrow or go to the bathroom for tomorrow. All our lives, all Hashem asks of us is TODAY.

I thought that you would say that. I will give it my best from today, but I want the count to have a significant beginning. That is why I stressed "the count". I thought that that is ok. But you know already that I can't trust myself. So if you say I have to today, then I will try.
But rule number 2 says " Are you clean at least 3 days clean?" and I am only clean yesterday and today. Is that MeAkev ?

I might be wrong, but I think you can sign up, and when you put in the date of your first clean day, it'll keep track for you - and your name will appear after you've been clean for three days.

Every day can be a significant beginning - 90 days from now, you can look back and realize how significant today was.

Have you installed a filter?

Also, have you identified when you generally tend to go to these sites, and figured out another option to keep you busy?

Be strong - or rather, realize how strong you are!

R' Orlovsky asks a rather famous question: every year, in elul, we blow the shofar, except on erev rosh hashanah - so that when he hears the shofar on rosh hashanah itself, he'll think it's the sofar of moshiach, he'll be confused, and won't be able to prosecute us effectively. But the Yetzer Hora is very smart - doesn't he realize already that it's just a trick? Ro Orlovsky answers (I don't remember if he was quoting someone else) that we have no idea how close we are to moshiach - and the yetzer hora does. So to us, the idea of moshiach coming is almost impossible - for the y"h, it's a very real possibility, he knows how close we are - so he gets confused.

Obviously, there are lots of deeper concepts there, and more explanation is needed. One thing is clear, though - we have more strength than we realize, and the yetzer hora is worried that we'll realize it.

You can do this.

Warmest Welcome to Holy Tal¤ud Chacham Rabienu Ovadia shlita,

Your story touched me to the core since I relate to many parts of it. With the Help of Hashem I count over 7 months on the wall of Honor. The most important thing that worked for me, the yesod hayesodos as they say in the olom hayishivos;)  is .............filter filter filter!!!!

The filter is sword of Palti ben Layish (see Guard's Holy "Kuntraisim" ), without the no nonsense filters I would never make it one day. Period!!


The K9 filter is highly recommend by the GYE Filter Team. Its FREE!!!

Fiery love to a hero warrior of the Guardani brigade

Noorah hakatan mbeis Amram

PS take a look what the Sefer HaTanya writes in Likutei Amarim ch 27 ......as it gives great chizuk and perspective to our struggle......and quotes the prophesy of Ovadia regarding the downfall of Edom, only thru our struggle!!! Let me know what u think after u looked @ it!

Reb Ovadia:
Your story is right up there with many of us (look up some of the historic posts). I almost feel that we could have been chavrusas back in yeshiva. You have come to the right place, a place where we all look after each other.  Always remember as bad as it gets (and it will only get better) never allow despair to set in. Every second is new and fresh.
Thank you,

ovadia wrote on 01 Dec 2009 13:18:

A Man named Ovadia:
Your hero was great, but we all know that if Hashem had a choice of bringing out another Ovadia today or bringing out your gifts today, He'd pick you over Ovadia, hands down. Just ask Reb Zushya, he'd tell you.
And it's not just that today is as good as any day to start, but - as R' Guard and other heiligehs posted above - it's that today is all there really is. I won't get to pick a Shabbos, Yom Kippur, or first day of Pesach as "the day" for me to start flying right. He wouldn't want that, I'm sure. He loves me and wants us to be together way too much to have us wait another minute for sobriety to begin.
Hatzlocha. Whoever you really are. You sure aren't Ovadia to Him!

My dearest friends,
This is just too much for me. I am completely overwhelmed, by how much all of you care and love. I am signing up TODAY for the 90 days !!
Dov, thanks for the Chizuk but who is R Zushya ?
About the filter: I installed K9, but I have the following problem. In the office which I work, I am often alone, and I have access to other computers which do not have filters and even after I installed the filter on my computer I "fell" on someone elses. I have made a very serious Kabala this week not to use the other computers, but I know that this is only temporary and when I have a "down" I am probably/definately going to fall. Does anyone have an Eitsa ?

Again, sounds like you have the right idea about trying not to use those computers, but I also think that the classic "one day at a time" works well. When you're feeling down, don't think about waiting 90 days - say to yourself that maybe tomorrow you'll look, but not today. Just push it off for one day. or even one hour, or one minute at a time.

Remember, every minute you don't give in, the rewards are greater than we can imagine!

Kol hakovod to th idea of one day at a time - it's totally indispensible to me. Nevertheless, I gotta pipe in that it all depends on what you want....to live holding your breath (one day at a time, of course) until some solution comes along (perhaps), or to live one day at a time while taking the steps necessary to live life differently. A life which really answers the problem that the schmutz serves to fill.
And no amount of "goodness" on my part could ever give that life to me. I was plenty good years back - and the frummer I got, the sicker I got. I cannot ever deserve it, period. It's a gift...and it comes with a big pricetag. The price is hachno'oh - ego evacuation, whatever you wanna call it. It's what the steps are all about to me and to a lot of other addicts I know who are in recovery. The steps help me put that life into action. Not my brain, it does not help do that, but working the steps. Any idiot can do them(and plenty do!), if he needs to.
Chizzuk is great - can't live without it - but it falls way way short of a solution, for me.
Oh, Reb Zushya purportedly said that when he dies, he won't be afraid that the beis Din up there will ask him why he wasn't Avraham avinu or Moshe Rabeinu. But he is terrified that they'll ask him why he wasn't reb Zushya! Perhaps it was him who also said that is given the choice he would not become Moshe Rabeinu - because, "Hashem already has one of those (Moshe Rabeinu's)! What good would it do for Him to have another one?! He wants one of ME!"
Nice, no?
Reb Zushya didn't rely on chizzuk or even on limud Torah. Those are elements of avodah. Life itself, though, is taking action and making the uncomfortable changes needed for growth along spiritual lines. The need for that, rather than study and thinking, is no more starkly obvious than for addicts. We made a living of cheshboning, mussar, and trying to "figure this thing out"...and that's exactly what brought us to the point that we needed GYE, etc!
Sorry I went on and on again....
- Dov