Very impressive iyh by me too says the troll

I just feel like a troll waiting for someone to post on the forum. Its tough having so much to do that you just want to not even start. Do you find that after 100 days you have more motivation and dedication to things. Meaning do you find that are more motivated and can stay motivated even after a while for things that you have to do in general? Do you feel that you develop an ability to make more long range choices after you are clean for longer?

Sorry can you clarify the question? What do you mean by long range choices? 

One day at a time (do not think about long range)

(though I just hit a week myself)

Thank you to whoever gave me that Karma point. If you can identify yourself (through PM at least) so I can thank you. That is one of the nicest things that every happened to me on GYE. Maybe I will stick out actively posting for longer than the last 2 times when I eventually quit.

I mean the ability to choose between something that is easier but less beneficial in the long run and something that is more difficult but will ultimately be better in the future. I am asking not necessarily in terms of self control but rather personally when I am feeling lustful or whatever word you want to use, I don't even see the 2 options. I need to take a step back in order to realize that I even have 2 options. So I'm asking if you feel that you have more clarity in a non porn situation because you have grown and developed your mind to be able to take a step back when confronted with something that you want and to be able to stop and say hey maybe that's not the best choice maybe I have another smarter and better choice, and to be equipped to actually choose that alternative.

LifneiHashem wrote on 12 Dec 2016 01:14:

I was hurt and angry and felt GYE could do nothing for me and I was made to feel like I tainted GYE so I went ahead and removed every post I had every created so I could feel that I no longer soil the GYE soil. I did this once, started again, did it (remove posts) again, and now I am 'joining' GYE for the 3rd time.

Agree 100%. It's good to know someone cares and here's one for making me feel good too. I appreciate it.

I did that but only once. I decided that I was going to start again fresh so if I removed everything and began again I'd be a new person. It was just a coping mechanism for me I think but honestly I don't think it matters anymore since I'm not there I'm here wherever I got up to now so then isn't really important.

shua73 wrote on 13 Dec 2016 03:27:

I know you were not asking me, but I think it helps to have a third choice. Obviously porn vs. learning a blatt of gemara, learning will not always win. I think it helps to identify something you have pleasure in that is less (sinful) than porn. Perhaps treating yourself to pizza, watching a movie or some other form of entertainment, even if not kosher but at least more desirable in the long run than a fall. If one of these lesser evils can be enjoyable enough for you to stop porn, you can continue improving the quality of your choices.

While I am on a tangent, I tried forcing myself to make a donation next time I fall. As the calendar ends and I have run out of maaser and the paperwork involved in document tzedakah, porn became less desirable.

If I fall, I must turn OFF my computer for X hours.

If I fall, I will not ask my shomer for my password for 2 days and be unable to finish the series I was watching (that one really worked)

quiet wrote on 13 Dec 2016 03:44:

Well for those of you that have been in law school can relate. But when I'm in school it's more like I don't have enough time to study even if I tried so why even start? That compounded with ADHD and a wife and kids makes things quite hectic. But speaking for myself, I appreciate the fact that I'm part of a group on the forum. I don't live near any of the people that I knew when I was growing up and although extremely sociable have no time to spend with anybody since everyone is usually working. Even more so I am always studying. The ability for me to feel like I have a group (albeit with a bunch of faceless individuals) is making me feel important for lack of a better term. So thanks guys. I'm curious if this is just my feelings or if anyone else feels this way too. Answer if you want and aren't embarrassed.

 

LifneiHashem wrote on 13 Dec 2016 04:10:

I guess I'll just have to wait and see. It may be that my struggle is different than yours or other people's struggles. I agree with what you're saying about putting your faith in Hashem. However, I find that it's not necessarily white knuckling for me. Rather I am impulsive and get it in my head that I really want something and I give in and over time I give in more and more until I decide that I've already fallen so porn is fine and I really fall. Therefore, I was saying that my experiences are that the less I give in to my impulsivity for porn the more equipped I am to be less impulsive regarding other things also.

I have been checking around on the forums and there seems to be a difference of opinion as to whether I should just somehow give up myself to hashem since I can't function anymore as is or is it possible to cut back and slowly grow and get rid of the problem. I am not claiming to be anybody's Rav but I wanted to hear the group's opinion on it. Personally, I think that if you read the book the first day of the rest of my life (downloadable on gye's website) you will find that both potentially work and it depends on the individual person. What are your thoughts? Can you help me clarify this better? The just give up idea is hard for me to relate to since I am not looking at porn so much that I could honestly say that it's unbearable. I think that a large part of it is that as frum Jews we know that it's wrong however it is very tempting and addictive to look at porn and to mzl. But just giving up is not gonna work if your main reason for wanting to quit is to do what's right not bc it's unbearable otherwise. I therefore think that there are those that would benefit more from focusing less on always being careful to not look and so on. I find that the more I think about not falling the faster I fall. However when I have other things to do I have a much easier time staying clean. Also a main trigger for me is being tired as I am much more impulsive when I'm tired. In sum, it appears that for some people the more they focus on it, the more they have it in the forefront of their mind and are more prone to falling.

shua73 wrote on 13 Dec 2016 06:28:

Hey shushu. Don't mind I drop in to your group..

Look up some Dov quotes about teshuva vs. recovery. If Siman 151 in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch and countless other gemoras, Torah sources (parshas  Acharei Mos - Kedoshim) doesn't get us to stop, then it doesn't seem to be in the realm of what will actually help us. Dov describes recovery as a mechanism to maintain sanity, from which teshuvah can be achieved.
I think all will agree that giving up to Hashem is the only way. How? How can we possibly do it ourselves? I've tried. Learned for hours on end. Davened with Kavonah. Made resolutions. In a nutshell, white-knuckled. What is required is an entire perspective shift. 
What does it mean, giving yourself up to Hashem? Just flop on the couch and do nothing? Expect Him to lift your arms for you? Run for you? I believe it's just the mindset that "I can't do this by myself. No way. No power at all" (Step 1 of the 12 steps. It rings true). And then you still do everything, go about your day as normal. But then at a trigger, you remember your true focus. It's a one-degree shift that makes a massive difference down the line.

Cut back and slowly grow? What does that mean? Like, masturbate 2 times this week, only once next week, then one every 2 weeks? I'm not sure if this is what you mean. But let's consider this as a plan of action. So next week, what will you be thinking the whole week? Oh man, at the end of the week I can finally release! Oh I can't wait!!! So the entire week becomes an exercise in lust.

And to address your last point, sobriety isn't an end in and of itself. I believe it is a state of mind where you want to do things, to be active and involved in others' lives. And soon the focus won't be so immediate. But a habit, like breathing, eating. And this foundation will skyrocket you into realms of spiritual happiness and real life.


What's considered unmanageable is your own cheshbon. But the attitude is the same. We're powerless. It's humbling.
Besides that's what the mussar sefarim urge us to do as well..