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Being single
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Being single 1389 Views

Being single 09 Feb 2009 23:31 #2951

  • Yankel
I see many of the people on the forum are married. Being single makes it much harder(for obvious reasons...) to stay clean. I can (barely) fathom 90 days but, until I get married? How will I manage??? Now, I know some of you will say if you cant hold back now how will you be able to when you are married? Lets look at the time differential- A few weeks vs. a few months (possibly years)? I know this is the yetzer hara telling me I cant do it but in reality I dont think its really possible-for me.
Last Edit: by Yanover.

Re: Being single 10 Feb 2009 00:42 #2952

  • Mevakesh Hashem
The Yetzer Hara makes it seem hard to hold back from being M"Z L'Vatalah regardless if you are single or married. I have been single and married, and the Yetzer Hara, though different, is there in both scenarios!

Call out to Hashem for the strength to persevere, and you will be able to hold out  and live your life as a better Jew.

It won't be easy...but it is possible.

And we are all here to help you reach your goals!

Chazak V'Ematz!
Last Edit: by mordy613.

Re: Being single 10 Feb 2009 15:08 #2958

  • the.guard
  • Current streak: 487 days
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 6412
  • Karma: 133
Dear Me2,

You ask a good question. Many people think that if they are not married it's impossible, but let me share with you a little secret; in a certain sense, it is even EASIER when you're not married. Let me explain. Our sages wrote about the "small organ in a man that is hungry when fed and satiated when starved". A married man can never completely stop, since he has a wife. However, when a Bochur decides to stop, the organ is "starved" and this ultimately makes it "satisfied" as Chaza"l have written. Experience has shown that this is true, time and time again. The urge simply goes away. You are building now a strong foundation for your future marriage. Don't think it gets easier once your married, this is not the case.

But yes, it takes a leap of faith. It takes about 90 days according to the studies, for your mind to become convinced that these behaviors are simply not an option any more. I want you to see this thread on the forum; "Ano" is almost 90 days clean, and he asked exactly the same question as you. See the link to his question, and look at some of the answers on that page.

Also, I want to tell you just how much Hashem loves you. Just this morning when I saw your post, I received an e-mail from a Bochur that I want to share with you below:

Dear Guardureyes,

I am writing in regard to a recent email I received about your site. I happened upon your site a few months ago, but when I went back onto the site due to the recent email, I was hit with the full realization of just how special your site is. This incredibly important mitzva of shmiras habris requires all the publicity it can get. Unfortunately, due to the taboo nature of the subject, as well as the embarrassment in discussing such issues with friends or mentors is just not possible for some individuals . Your site has changed that. There is now a place for people to get help in this very difficult and important area. By promising anonymity for those who are undertaking work in this area, you have enabled them to reach unimaginable levels..

Shmiras habris is an area of my life that I have been working on for a long time, some times with more hatzlacha, some with less. About six months ago, I read a book called The Light of Ephraim, which is available in many sforim stores and online as well. This very readable english book explained every facet of this important mitzva, from what the exact nature of the sin is, how to target it and just how special being shomer habris is. Baruch Hashem I have been completely clean since that day.. It was not and is not easy by any means. But it really is the only way. The changes in my life have been immeasurable as of the first couple of weeks of this undertaking. I will not go into detail, but for those of you who have done the same, you will agree. For those of you who are just starting out, keep it up, you will soon find out for yourself.

How did I make it this far? At time it seemed impossible but, Baruch Hashem, I have a few friends who realize the importance of this mitzva. The six of us are unmarried bachurim, currently learning in a prominent yeshiva. Yes, it is possible to be shomer habris, before marriage and after. Together with my friends, we formed a group based on the idea that this is an important focus of our lives. We meet once a month to stress the importance and beauty of what we have undertaken, and also to make some pledges. The rules of this group require that if one falls chas v’shalom, we are required to inform all other members of the group and to pay a fine of 500 dollars to the tzedaka of our choice. The number is arbitrary and serves as a number that is a significant amount, yet doable. The members have managed to be shomer habris from one month to six months, as of today Baruch Hashem. Your amazing site offers many aspects of our group. Perhaps in the future a system of fines and rewards can be implemented as well. It all starts with accountability. If you have to answer to someone, it will be that much easier and becomes that much more real.

So where are you holding? One year? One day? Whatever it is, you are doing an amazing thing. In today’s day and age, at times it seems impossible. IT IS NOT. Don’t kid yourself. It will not be easy, but how committed are you? I challenge all who read this to try it for themselves. You can do it. Believe it because it is possible. I would suggest reading The Light of Ephraim and to spend some more time using all the great features this site offers. Get started now. Get an internet filter. Put in a password you won’t remember. Commit to it fully. This will not be enough. You must make your own guidelines, but it’‘s worth it. Tfilla/Prayer is ultimately the only way to really make progress. As we all know unfortunately it is no simple task on our own, some of us have been trying to stop for many years. It’s scary how strong the hold is, isn’t it? You wouldn’t believe what some sforim say about how difficult it is, but so much better for all of you who pull through. And you will. Ask G-d for his help, in regular tfilla and spontaneously throughout the day. You might have to beg for months. It is said that anything worth doing is not easy and it is certainly the case here.

I’d like to mention that R’ Chaim Kanievsky points out in his the first volume of Krayna D’igrisah that anyone who keeps away from these forbidden pleasure is promised to receive the pleasures of life from other areas instead. Is there anything you are waiting for in your life? It’s on the way as soon as you make progress in this area. Try it and see for yourself, the top spot of the wall of honor is waiting for your name.

For further understanding of the importance of this area see the following sites:

Hatzlacha Raba. May Hashem help the creators of this site to continue to spread the importance of this mitzva and everyone who is working on this area.

There are so many more links I want you to read, but I am afraid to send you too much at once. If you want more info on how it is possible for you to stay clean, see also these links:
Webmaster of - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 10 Feb 2009 15:19 by Vachlaklakos.

Re: Being single 10 Feb 2009 16:46 #2959

  • Chasdei Avos
me2: I want you to know that the ribbono shel olam is extaticly proud of you for even questioning whether its possible. The first step is to know the problem exists and then see how to overcome it. You have begun and for that alone we here and Hashem of course is very proud.

Guard is a malach min shamayim and just keeping with this sight will give you the strength and desire to gain control. I struggled since mid teens (around 20 years ago) with this craziness and only once I fell upon this sight I have been clean (bli ayin harraah since rosh chodesh elul).

U can do it and we will help.
Last Edit: by shlomoanonymous.

Re: Being single 10 Feb 2009 17:39 #2960

  • the.guard
  • Current streak: 487 days
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 6412
  • Karma: 133
In my previous post I brought tons of links and material to prove it is indeed possible. However, the main focus here should really not be if it's possible or not. A human is not a Malach and there may be many ups and downs along the journey, and sometimes we have to look at the past as if we didn't even have full bechirah. To really succeed here, we have to learn to ignore the past, ignore the doubts about the future, ignore the fear of failure- and simply do the best we can and keep davening. This is the #1 tool to winning this over in the long term, to remain determined, to stay happy even after a fall, and keep aiming to do even better next time. 
Webmaster of - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 10 Feb 2009 17:42 by Sagveinu_Tahreinu.

Re: Being single 11 Feb 2009 00:28 #2971

  • Yankel
Reb Guard,
If marriage makes it harder, why do they say a wife saves her husband from sin? all she does is make him crave it more? It's analogous to an alcoholic that can have a few drinks every couple weeks.
Last Edit: by .

Re: Being single 11 Feb 2009 03:28 #2972

  • Elya K
  • Gold Boarder
  • Posts: 244
Alcohol is a substance addiction.  Sex is a process addiction. Different.
When you have relations with your wife and you mutually want
to be closer, it becomes an emotionally spiritual experience.

When you just have relations because you've been triggered that day
and want sex, then you're not exactly in a spiritual place and yes, it
can just lead to wanting more.

A wife saves her husband from sin because during the day he knows
that he has "pas b'salo" (bread in his basket).  A nice clean way of saying
his wife is available to him so he can hold off on sinning until he gets home.

If you plan with your wife to have a "date" or its the night she goes to the
mikvah, it builds up the anticipation of being together.  When you do this and
only have your wife in mind, not someone you saw in a movie, you begin to
get closer to your wife and stop seeing her as an "object", but truly a partner
in your relationship.  You begin to see sex as a by product of a mutual respect
and admiration that you can take it or leave it.  It does not consume your entire

Through the recovery process, I have turned the tide from being manipulative
to my wife to the point now, where she asks me more than I ask her. That's
progress and that's the power of this program.

me, marriage does not save you from this addiction.  Just ask anyone who thought
that it would and couldn't control it.  Find some other hobbies or things you are interested
in and do do that. Learn, take up a new area of study you're interested in,  help other people, volunteer and you'll see you'll be happier, fulfilled and won't have a need to medicate yourself. 

Learn how to live in the moment, not worrying about what's going to happen when you get
married.  Or why you're not married yet or anything from your past.  Explore what makes
you, me, special.  Make a list and read it every day.  Set small goals and achieve them.
This will build your self confidence and You can achieve whatever you want in life.
Presently one of the GYE hotline moderators for couples struggling with Shmiras Eiynaim issues in their marriage.  Elya is the author of 2 books, Help Her Heal with Carol Sheets for partners of SA and his latest book, Hey!What About Me: How to become a priority in a world of distraction, impulsivity and indifference.
Last Edit: by benn19777.

Re: Being single 11 Feb 2009 14:15 #2977

  • the.guard
  • Current streak: 487 days
  • Moderator
  • Posts: 6412
  • Karma: 133
Dear Me2, what Chaza"l mean about our wives saving us from sin is due to the simple fact that whether married or unmarried, a man is susceptible to be struck by an attack of lust, triggered by things he sees or situations he is in. In such cases, having "pas Be'salo" can calm the need to act out on it. But this is all in the mind. It's like two people walking the same tightrope, one has a security net under him and one doesn't. But physically it's THE SAME difficulty for them both. The one with the net may have less fear and more self-confidence, but with determination and practice one no longer needs the security net.

Go for 90 days and EARN that practice and self-confidence, and you will see you don't need the safety net!
Webmaster of - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: by 124816.
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