Isn't it true that semen is the light of the eyes? so if you have had too much nocturnal emissions( I have been keeping track) like maybe 20 from last year(I was 19 and am now 20) and my eyes are getting blurry and I do wear glasses, does it mean that loss of semen is the cause? I mean, I do use the internet a lot during the day(not for porn), but for music and other things. I mean, if I did stumble or had a desire to watch, I would have come straight to this forum first thing and start posting. I wouldnot hesitate to write out all my urges, my desires, and all my fantasies, even if one day if my future generations wanted to know what kind of a person I was in the past, it will be traced on the internet, but at least I was honest. I sure hope that God will bless me with a child somewhere down tehline as I realize that semen is now sacred and that I should not have done what I had done. It is necessary for fertility and stuff. I mean, low sperm count is automatically little or no chances of fertility, right? I don't know. some ancient asian belief systems would have you believe that, but most medical journals suggest otherwise. I just need to stop watching porn subconsciously. I only watch it long enough to ejaculate and then close down my browser. Due to the loss of semen, I feel like there are entities around em. i feel a bit heavier than usual. Usually whenever i lose semen, there is always extra energy or something around me and I feel awful.
Let's face it. I feel like at one point, God sh ould just help me recover so that I couldn't keep bugging him with all these prayers I say to hima ll the time. I mean, I used to think I was praying to God when I was praying in a christian sense such as in jesus name or in christ's name or through christ our lord. little did i know i was committing idolatry in the eyes of judaism. I mean, both islam and judaism think christianity is idolatry. I realized that now and I gave it up. However, I just can never see myself becoming Jewish in that I do not keep the sabbath because I do work on the weekend and I do go out with people on the weekend and I do not see myself wearing a bunch of hats and stuff. I know that sounds a bit disrespectufl but I cannot see myself lighting candles. No one in my family is Jewish and there are no synagogues in this predominantly asian neighborhood. Churches, yes, but synagogues, none to be found. there are no Jews in my neighborhood. 
I now have lower back pain and stuff. See what happens when one is being stupid? I grew up in a very hating, very judgmental home, and if I made the slightest mistake, i would get criticized and I would feel so...dominated. I feel so awful. 
I feel like when I told my father about masturbation he said you see, a pervert has aged prematurely. i mean think about it. i have lines on my forehead but htat may be due to stress i had as a teenager over obsessing over the guilt htat i watched porn. i would pray til 3 in the morning and nto feel like God has forgiven me. You see how that had takena  toll on my immune system and how I was always tired in class and always feeling depressed. on days when i had masturbated, people would point their fingers at me or they would laugh at me or they would ignroe em. I feel like there were evil entities influencing my life at the time. I really did.I mean, I was so moody and so unhappy on those days. I went to the restroom and cried and stuff. I cried a lot. Quite a bit. I really did. I feel like porn has been used to make me cry and stuff. From now on, I am not going to feel any guilt. I feel like the minute I stop asking God for help, those spirits are going to follow me and stuff. Just saying. Sexual ones. I hate it. I really do. Why can't they just leave me alone?  Leave me alone and I will be fine. Now that I think about it, why do I even have to pray to get rid fo sexual sins? why didn't I just tell my parents in the first place and the sin would have beens topped right then and there. That would have worked. I had to hide and lock up my doors.