I know I have reiterated this story over and over. I just want to say that I first started watching pornography at age 14 and has stopped at age 18. However, I still watch it in the middle of the night when I am half-asleep.I would wake up, strip myself naked, and then head over to my phone or laptop and watch it. I have done it for almost six years now. I am now 20 and I am hoping that I can break free. What can I do now?
Most of the time I used gay porn to ejaculate. I don't do it consciously now but subconsciously. what amI supposed to do? I mean, I have heard of kilipots or demonic children that can be created if one has spilled their seed. I have spilled it for more than a hundred times. Have I created these children? If this is true, I certainly hope they won't harass my future generations(if it's even possible for me to be fertile since I have wasted seed those years). After having stopped wasting seed, I had morning emissions where I would dream of some naked guy and then I would ejaculate from then on out. I know this may be a trigger for some of you,but I need to get it all out. I have told my friends via text messages, facebook, and many other social media and also to my family members. I have even slipped a note in one of my parents' room and said hey I have watched gay porn in my past. Still, I have not been unable to break free. A part of me simply feels that it has drained me of energy, has caused em to waste my time dwelling on guilt, made me antisocial,and yet it seems like there is no way out. I wonder why do they keep coming back to haunt me over and over?
My relationships with everyone have been affected to some degree. I feel like everyone on the street sometimes looks at me as though I had committed a grave sin that is akin to murder or something. they look at me or they glare at me on the streets as though they know exactly what I had done in secret. I have had a turbulent relationship with everyone in my life. I would scream and yell and get angry and stuff. I feel like this does affect my dopamine levels and stuff. I feel like I am constantly being harassed by stuff that is not in the material world. I am so upset that I cannot break free and be with others at all. I feel like the more I get serious about religion, the more likely I am to just go crazy. most of my generation would have said oh it's absolutely normal to watch porn and that I am making a big fuss over nothing. do you know how much I have cried in my room? do you know how hard it is to recover? Do you know how cursed i feel? I feel like god has set a curse on me. I really do. I don't want to be addicted.If I watch even the slightest porn i won't forgive myself and I will keep on talking and talking about it over and over for hours on end until I am finally guilty or shamed.
