Hey I am not winning anything. We are both learning and growing and sometimes taking a beating in the process. As many here have written, counting etc. is a tool. Sobriety is about now. And now - at this present moment - we are both grasping onto Hashem and begging Him not to let go. Hatzlacha brother!

If I may get "religious" with you, I'd like to share some Pesach thoughts. It's 3 days to Pesach, when we can tap into the spiritual redemption that is the mehus of this Yomtov. But maybe you feel like you're too close to acting out to be a part of it.

Four fifths of the Jews died right before the redemption, so you'd think it was all the tzadikim who were left, but we know that even after the redemption, there was still a kitrug against them that הללו עובדי ע''ז והללו עובדי ע''ז. So how were the surviving fifth different and deserving of the redemption? Rashi tells us the difference is the ones who died didn't want to leave. (as heard from R' Avrohom Schorr).
As long as we keep our sights on recovery, and are actively working on it, we can be zoche to a miraculous redemption.

Some won't like this post, but hopefully someone will find it inspiring, particularly shmirashachaim who this is primarily intended for.

eslaasos wrote on 20 Apr 2016 20:08:

Thank you and yes i find that meaningful. I want to be part of anything that would be considered a spiritual redemption. I'm not sure if i will be completely "redeemed" from this, not having to ever look back and instead serve Hashem blissfully and care free. Really don't know. What i do know is that redemption can be a perpetual thing that i keep up, consistently overcoming human nature and making sure that i don't revert back to my old ways. what do you think?
and yes. I want to be free from this. I want it so badly. I hope i'm part of that 5th.