Hello everyone.
I had a pretty close call recently. It was very very close. But B"H I got through and didn't go down the wrong path. I wonder why it happened? I understand what the trigger was, but I had thought that I had managed to get this "drive" under control in most areas. I guess the brain is wired differently, and certain triggers can kick off a certain path that is embedded in the brain. Well that's what it felt like.
When the inclination hit me, I'd say you don't know what it's like but probably there are many of you who do know what I'm talking about. It was like separate control took over. It really took all of my energy to force myself not to. I went through every argument in my head to pull myself back. Ultimately what pulled me back was just the thought of who I was and who I wanted to be. If I went down to the path to this activity, that would be who I was. And that isn't who I want to be any more. I don't want that. The guilt, the depression, the having to lie to everyone and feeling false inside. I'm done with that. And going down that path is what it brings.
So I managed to stop myself. And you know what? At first I was just exhausted from the whole mental episode. But then, it felt like by not going down the path I had forced a rewiring of the pathway. I didn't feel the immediate pull, I felt in control again. Maybe it was just the passing of the moment of the trigger, but I think as well I conquered the power of the trigger itself, somewhat.
What did I learn from this?
* You have to always remain vigilant. Obviously it depends on the person, but for me I know (at least not now) I can't just assume I'm done with this battle. I have to always ensure that I have my safeguards in place. Even in this case I had my safeguards in place, and I'd hate to think what might have happened if they weren't there. As it was I had slacked off recently in some behavioral habits that I have in place (daily meditation, writing down 5 good things I'm grateful for each day).
* Don't give up. In the past I may have caved in but this time I didn't. And I became stronger as a result. This is a long and tough battle, but over time with each victory I am getting stronger and stronger. P"G with time and effort I can get stronger still.
I hope everyone else out there is getting stronger and having successes your fights as well.
