With the little time I logged onto this site, it's funny that it is one of the top 3 things that happened in my life! I came here broken, and I left here to go into a 7 month perfect streak (with over 789 nissyonos). I know I can live like that long term, as long as I have a ratzon to deal with my clinical addiction when I have internet access.
On the other hand I was going strong for so long that I stopped keeping a cheshbon (a stupid idea since you won't have the retzifus that accountability brings). Then I quasi trusted myself with rare gmail use (another stupid idea). When chazal say Ain Aputrupus La'Arayos they meant me too. So I'm here for a reality check. I have a clinical addiction to pornography, which is funny since even when I slip I won't pleasure myself looking at real people (which is good since even looking at a shiksah derech 'hana's biah is a chiyuv of yehareig ve'lo ya'avor!!!). So I need some advice/chizuk about living with my problem, and building a stable home where I won't merely be using my w/f to fulfill my lusts.      Here's my matzav. I only have comp. access once a week to once every 2 weeks.  I occasionaly do need my gmail. and if i put a filter my parents will look at me crossseyed....and catch-on. I have seen a phychiatrist, but I don't see him regelarly, only if I would need it. I see this problem as something I must deal with by myself (i.e. with all U anonymous ppls), because If I opened up to anyone my self-image, self-esteem, and pride would be non-existant (I once did, see my story...I wrote it after that happened).

I am fully shomer einayim, even with Histaklus. Hakadosh baruch Hu has given me special siyata dishamaya in mentally not registering my peripheral vision when i choose to, and on the other hand taking full notice of my surroundings, and how ppl are dressed with only my peripheral vision. i don't expose myself to any goyish influences, exept for the pictures on those sites. I am physicly rrepulsed by the wrords and ideals on the very sites that I have no trouble looking at the immages (it's a total stirah!!! but at least the only hashbpa'ah is in my eyes and not in my hashkafah).

Not sure really what to say but heres some ideas. Dont just go to your parents and say "i want to put on a filter" cuz then youll get the reaction your talking about. Try saying " i really dont want to have to see things that are inappropriate which is so commen on the internet so i would like to install a filter". theyll think your just trying to be extra careful. The wording doesnt have to be exact but its the point. On the rest of the things you brought up i suggest you talk to Dov im sure he can help you out. HAtzlacha and keep on pedaling. 7 months ...wow!

I'm a little confused on what you need help with... On the one hand you write:



On the other hand you write:



So are you falling with inappropriate viewing of websites or not?
And what about hz"l?
And how old are you approx? (you mention building a stable home)...
And what other psychological problems do you suffer from (if any)?

I hope with the answers to these questions, we can find a way to help you, or at least some advice...

Be well!

So are you falling with inappropriate viewing of websites or not? Yes and when I do i'll blow 2-3 hours on them untill I am mz"l, then I stay clean for a half day or so untill.... until i make a meager effort to choose not to look at those sites. aside from my internet veiwing, I'm shomer einayim on the street, I don't look at married jewish women exept where i have to do histaklut, and i won't allow myself to see tennage girls period (even in my peripheral vision...big yzh"r). Let's put it this way, I am extremely close to one of my rebbes, but i don't know how many daughters he has, or what any of the ones over 13-14 look like [ever i ever did see them once i burnt it out of my memory]. So when it comes to porn i am a living contradiction (makes it easier to quit in a sense)

And what about hz"l? almost never, during my 7 month streak there where like 4-5 "mikreh laylah" but the only way to account for it was that i rolled onto my back in the middle of the night. So i found a way to protect myself from that happening (a thick/heavy blanked rolled like a carpet and put against my back). But I'm pretty sure that they where entirely Onsim, intended to be a nissayon of getting me depressed. I say myself as "Kadosh VeTahor"....and I pretty much was. Nowadays i exempt for my sporadic slips I don't touch anywhere near my milah, won't allow myself to be "maksheh" (I relax all my torso muscles and try not to flinch until the yetzer hara passes) so no i got mz"l under controll BH!!
And how old are you approx? (you mention building a stable home)...

And what other psychological problems do you suffer from (if any)? Origionaly, like I wrote in my story...depression, unbearable, real, and justified depression. but with time HKB"H put my life together, gave me freinds, rebbeim, patched up my relationship with my parents, gave me a good reputation, and tremendios groth in my avodas hashem and middos.        I also had anger issues but that I took complete controll of well b4 therapy. The therapy was more for my situation at home. (Although i did have 3 sessions about my internet addictioin, told him all the facts, strait, painfully, and embarrasing.....but I had to tell-all, and essentialy I am addicted, and doing a pretty/decently good job living with it)

I am involved in shidduchim......... so yes i know this is one of those little kinks i must have full control over when I IY"H get married soon.     (I refuse to have Internet, TV, newspapers, Vichadome' in my house....and if my wife works online then I'm computer savvy enough to whitelist everything but her working essential/s....in adition to filters ....I know you have a page about filters i'll read it too).

[for the record i have been working on shemiras einayim for almost 4 years. even while still addicted to internet.][and those 7 months I was locked away bikdasha uvetahara away from any goyish influence....and shteiging away!]

Essentialy my problem is that i don't have enough of a ratzon to fight my yzh"r. and if i did i would be fine. So  what i decided to do is to use my internet access to follow the wall of honor...I want to beat my 7 month streak....and i started shabbos chayei sarah.   but I need chizuk.

[If i'm still online when you see this post a real time-dialog will be even better]

Hey new Chaver,

First of all welcome to the community.

Second of all slow down a second. Yous sound like you have your hole life planned. With Shidduchim and internet blocking and your wife working on the interent. Lets just take a deep breath here and realize what were dealing with. I think the first thing I notced was the end of your post where you said : 'Essentialy my problem is that i don't have enough of a ratzon to fight my yzh"r. and if i did i would be fine'. Great job recognizing this. This concept took me months to realize and I'm still having trouble really understanding it. Not that you see this, the initial response should be: "I am going to leave this in Hashems hands because He is the only ONE that contrl this for me because obviously I cant'.

Keep posting.

-INH

Your right. I have been spending to much time wit ppl that leave blatant mention of emuna out of normal conversation. So it rubs off. on the other hand i started tachling my addiction, with all the pain and tortute, a year and a half ago. so i'm not new. the only posts i had untill now (10 or so) changed my life. so yes i am coming out of the blue, but i'm at a "very advanced stage of recovery" (which will be completed at 120...'al ta'amin beatzmecha ad yom motcha!).

I SPENT A LONG, LONG, LONG, TIME TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE RAMAFACATIONS THIS WILL HAVE ON MY FUTURE FAMILY. Additionaly, i'm not stupid enough to trust myself with a computer in the house.

Just remember evrything is in Hashem's hands so as they say "man plans and God laughs". (and o ya, realizing that our whole lives are in Hashem's hands is step 3. I think.)

-INH

Part of the yeitzer is to convince you that you don't have a problem.

It's not so bad...  I only look at X but not Y.

But, it's like a drunk who only drinks vodka, but not scotch.

He still has a problem.

The real problem is more fundamental than WHICH beverage he takes to get drunk.

The problem is that he gets drunk.

And the first step to the solution is to admit to the problem.

But, you've come to the right place.  You'll find that a good reading of the GUE handbooks will really be eye-opening (or eye-closing?)  Also, I found the AA Big Book reads like a great mussar book (just remember what it says really applies to ALL addictions).

Good luck, and keep on posting.

--Eye.