Last night I fell.

I fell for a desire to touch that which I could have merely waited 8 more days for something real, meaningfull, deep, and wholesome.

But I succumb.  So I need to get up and keep growing despite the trip down.
So the question is how to look at my fall after over 120 days of being "clean" with a bunch of slips.

A fall is never permanent.  For one to think that a fall is a permanent distancing from Hashem is utter Kfira.  There is always a relative closeness to HaKodosh Baruch Hu and I won't let the menuval take that away from me.  I won't let him take HIM away from me.  My inner pnimius demands growth, my neshama demands me to stride, towards upper and higher loftier goals. 

R' Zilberstein in his sichos for Elul (got the pamphlet around here somewhere) explains the posuk, Tzaddik Yipol Sheva Pa'amim.  There is a very important message that a lot of people miss.  He fell seven times and is still called a tzaddik.  I too can be a tzaddik and still fall.  I feel far from being a tzaddik, but I know I can be one.  How do I know I can be tzaddik?  Because I'm getting off and kicking off the dust and picking up myself and try again. 

This was the longest I ever went without falling.  At this point I know I can do it, yet I fell.  I didn't fall into a deep dark canyon where no one can find me.  I fell into a place where there are escape routes.  Escape routes that take only the 4 steps of Teshuva to get out of. 

I will not let this ruin me.  I'm a somebody.

Yankeld, thank you for ur post. Your words went straight to my heart. Today is day 114 for me, and you know what? this week has been brutaly hard. I don't want to act out, but have anxiety building up within me. My drug of choice is unavailable and its getting harder. My past addiction is telling me to drink to help ease the anxiety.

I know it won't help, but how long can I last? I need to pull myself together before I come crashing down.

cleareyes613 wrote on 10 Nov 2009 18:23:


Dear Cleareyes,

TODAY is all that matters, and it's more than halfway over!  Forget about 114 days, and forget about tomorrow!

Hatzlacha, my friend!

Dear Yankel,

Your excellent attitude should help you pick yourself up very quickly.

Your 120 days is an awesome accomplishment!  If you can do 120, you can certainly do 90 (one day at a time, of course).  But, this time, try to avoid any slips as if they were the swine flu.  I think it's likely that the slips were what caused your eventual fall.  Remember that, just as an alcoholic cannot handle a single sip, we are unable to handle a single slip!

Perhaps yesterday's Chizuk e-mail (#626) can be helpful... It was talking to all those who had recent falls!

Your attitude is wonderful. Read the daily Chizuk and the handbooks, and keep inspiring us!

Also, "Yechidah" just posted more on what you mentioned above, about Sheva Yipol Tzadik Ve'Kam:

In the printed letters of Rav Hutner zt"l (page 217), there's a letter written to a bochur (Yeshiva boy) who felt depressed over constantly fighting with his physical urges (Yetzer Horah) and losing. Rav Hutner zt"l writes that losing a battle to the Yetzer Horah is, in the long run, more productive than constantly winning. It's only when we fall, and find the inner strength to stand up and try again, that we develop our character and truly find our inner selves. He writes that he has more satisfaction from the bochur describing his failures than if the bochur would have written of his success in learning! Because to fail but keep trying brings real maturity and depth. He encourages the bochur to realize that all great rabbis fell in their battles with the Yetzer Horah, just as all people succumb. The difference lies in the fact that the Gedolim didn't give up. They picked themselves up and went back into the fray again and again until eventually they succeeded. They lost the battles, but they won the war.

Rav Hutner zt"l brings two sources for this. In Mishlei (24:16) it says, "Sheva yipol tzaddik v'kom - the righteous fall seven times, but arise". This doesn't mean that despite falling they arise, but to the contrary: Because they fall they learn to get back up and develop as Tzaddikim. Also, in Genesis creation story it says, "Tov me'od –And the Lord saw and behold it was very good", and the rabbis comment, "Tov zeh Yetzer Tov, me'od zeh Yetzer Horah - good is the Good Inclination, very good is the Evil Inclination". Ultimately, evil brings out the very best in a person by forcing him in to tap into his inner reservoirs of strength

Hey Cleareyes,

You can live up to your name.  Keep your path clear and full of self-chizuk and your eyes will find the way.  Don't be strayed by your eyes - all will be well if you stay focused on the goal - you want a relationship with Hashem.  If you feel your struggling daven for help - even a 5 second tefilla in your mind is helpful.  

Look at the Bnei torah around you and remember life is about growth and struggle.

You can do it.