Dear Chevre,
This might turn out to be a long post, so I want to put this out there before I begin: look at the long Rashi on the bottom of Sanhedrin 31b. This is the best Rashi I've seen in my life. I will B"H mention and translate it below. But I didn't want to leave that part out.
So, I've been fairly inactive lately as I have been doing some major, personal, internal, spiritual work. As you will recall (and if not, I shall remind you) from my last post, my wife and I found ourselves in a position of a very very long niddah period (with no birth to announce its coming). As of now we're holding at 5 weeks, but, if Hashem has any mercy on us, it will be over very shortly.
I have to concede to the Big Guy, though, it has been uplifting in a way (not that I'd have chosen it) (obviously). Which was of course His purpose, or part of it. I didn't think I was going to survive. There were days when I wanted to jump off a cliff. I was going out of my mind. I was terrified of what might happen if circumstances turned against me.
But ah, Hashem is kind. I davened very sincerely that He should keep that girl away from me. (I wouldn't even mention her name in my prayers, so as to think about it less.) Maybe you remember from my previous posts that there's this one girl nearby who really gets to me. I davened not to see her. I don't think I did, maybe not even in passing. I was terrified she'd show up at my door one day asking for a cup of sugar or something.
Enter Rashi. Mar Ukva (one of the earliest amoraim), says Rashi, was a baal teshuva. He relates: Mar Ukva had set his eyes upon a certain married woman. His heart filled with lust for her. He was so desirous of her that he actually fell ill. (Sound familiar, anyone?) Came a time when she was forced to borrow money from him. Out of her financial pressures, she consented to him. Mar Ukva then conquered his desire and sent her away in peace. Incredible! He regained his health, and from then on his face emitted a heavenly glow comparable to that of Moses! UNBELIEVABLE!!!
This story hit me like a ton of bricks. This is the very situation I have dreaded - that she should show up at my door and need me for something. I believed if it happened I would screw up in a very bad way, or else have a nervous breakdown. And here G-d has shown me that it's not the case. These past few weeks have been tough. But I have been thinking about things I've learned on this site and elsewhere, things about me. And I've noticed gradual changes. I worked on turning my mind from any kinds of fantasies to just thoughts about my wife. (I consulted with my rav, asking him if that's maybe not so bad; to my great shock, he said this is a positive thing! He explained that it means I'm a sensitive and feeling person. A person should have desire for his wife!) As a cumulative result of it all, I've found that I am having less fantasies about non-wife people. And in fact, when I do, it's not hard at all for me to tap into a feeling of disgust about it the thought. After all, we all know that intimacy with one's wife is a spiritual endeavor (too), whereas intimacy (if it could be called that) with the girl down the street is just animalistic. So I've managed to bring that idea down from my head into my heart, just a little bit. It's a terrific feeling.
Another upshot of this is that it's been easier working on shmiras einayim. I really feel that it's a disrespect to my wife and that it's just gross. (I still haven't reached the level where I feel bad for the ogled victims. Well, there's always work to be done!) And I feel less of a desire to go grabbing people on the bus too. I don't imagine that there will never be any challenges, any steps back. But I really feel I've made progress. I've come to believe that I can live a normal life in a world where lust is everywhere. It's heartening. (Oh, and pornography doesn't even get off the ground with me right now. Early on I had some urges - now I can actually feel gross about it. What a change.)
And I think as the end of this nisayon approaches, G-d threw me a bone. He showed me this Rashi, encouraging me with the rewards of overcoming the yetzer. I could hardly have imagined a more relevant story to me than the one Rashi brings about Mar Ukva. I nearly cried in the beis midrash when I read it.
I spoke to my rav this week about kedusha in sexual relations. His words were also very encouraging. They were along the lines of how important it is not only to aim for spirituality and holiness in our sexual relationship, but also for real physical pleasure and taivah. If you're not doing it with taivah, he said, no good. (And I was surprised to find how much of the commonly-assumed halacha is more flexible than I thought when it comes to achieving this end.)
I think that's all I wanted to share. I hope this will encourage some of you too. I'm glad there are people with whom I can share this. Continued hatzlacha to all in your holy endeavors!
~Mr. Smith
