Thanks for sharing.
I also realised today that I sell myself short. That I think less of myself than is appropriate. Although magically it coexists with an ego and self-obsession.
It hit me just today: I am a chashuver person and no one should tell me otherwise - particularly not myself. How this fits in with anava I'm not sure - but thinking less of myself than anyone else is wrong wrong wrong.
And just to be clear I'm an ordinary person, no shtellers or fancy positions so when I say "I'm chashuv" I just mean that I am worthy of every respect like everyone else is. Enough of this belittling.
Thanks for allowing me to talk to myself aloud. You got me to articulate now what had occurred to me just today. Thank you. Shlomo.

shlomo613


Thanks for that great share. firstly it just helps to know that I'm not the only one out there that struggles with things. whether they are the same struggles or not is irrelevant, just feels good to be amongst people that can be open about themselves and what they would like to work on, so thanks again.




I'm not sure either how it fits with anava its something that has bothered me for a while but i do believe that rabbi twerski addresses it in his book "Let Us Make Man" which really addresses the issues of low self esteem - self confidence/respect, and anava/gavah pretty thoroughly. read it a few years ago just don't remember. time to reread.

(as an aside you once quoted a sfas emes, not sure how "bakant" you are with his seforim but something that keeps striking me is the emphasis on "bitul hayesh" being completely mivatel yourself like your nothing "k'afra diara" and thats something that has been hard for me to comprehend, (maybe) i'm not on the "madragoi" but its just hard for me to implement. sort of like the slabodka vs nivardok machlokis bitul hadom or gadlus hadom)

And now...drumroll please.........for today's share.

Thank You G-d for helping me have a productive sober day. was feeling very stressed during the day, just me trying to manage all the areas of my life on my own. was able to let go pray and turn it over to you Thank you for that.
And then...I called someone that i felt i had wronged a few years ago to make amends and to apologize, just to take responsibility for my actions and say i was sorry... I then asked for forgiveness....the response i got was... "aha... so are you married yet... which yeshiva are you in" basically a complete change of topic and the person hung up shortly thereafter. after that phone call i felt really hurt that this person hadn't forgiven me or even addressed what i was calling about and just than someone triggering walked by and I Felt the urge to act out. Thankfully i called someone from GYE and that helped alot, he help me see that i can only take care of my side of the street I cannot control the response of the other person when I ask for forgiveness, I can only do my part and that was to call and apologize if he doesn't want to discuss it that's his choice.
its was a great reminder just to stay on my side of the street to do what i need to do without trying to control other peoples response and without living in their heads which is something that I do every now and then.

a friend of mine did bring up the point that at the end of the day he had not forgiven me so.... i will still burn in geheinom for what i did maybe i hadn't tried hard enough to get his forgiveness especially before Rosh Hashana.
basically there's a Q here, even though I realize I the need to stay on my side of the street, according to yidishkeit should I have done more to get the mechila like should i have asked again before hanging up "bottom line are you moichel me?" not sure.

Either way have a great night all you wonderful holy precious yidden may hashem help all of us one situation at a time, one day at a time become the people we are striving to become AMEN! Thanks for letting Me Share Guys!!!!! great night.

Thanks for sharing. Very impressive, everything you did. Including calling up the GYE guy when you felt the urge.
You've got some great attitudes there about keeping your side of the road clean. Really precious stuff.
And it can't be easy dealing with the rejection when you are moiser nefesh to do the right thing. But you're keeping your balance. So really well done indeed.

long time no share guys. Just wanted to touch base wish everyone a great and amazing Shabbos may we all have an easy rest of the day and may we have the ability to connect to hashem just a little... cause G-d knows we need it:) be great guys

Have a great night guys!

just a quick share i wanted to share some of my recent victories. (it helps to focus on what I've done right)

I acted out sat night and i had the ability to kill the rest of the night and next day which happened to be hoshana rabba BH i was able to focus on the task before me just because I acted out the night of HR doesn't mean I have to kill the rest of the night or the next day its not about all or nothing but about the task in front of me right now

last night i was in an a triggering location alone for a few hours. reached out to someone on the forum and made up to email him every 15-30 min to stay connected and safe. again by the grace of g-d i was able to implement these ideas and BH they've helped

wishing all you holy jews a wonderful safe holy restful night! Thanks for letting me share

just wanted to check in it's been a while guys. Wa Ted to let everyone know I'm starting 90 days today so here we go today is d-day. A lot has been going on in my life need time to process things and not just try and escape. G-d please help me be my own person help me focus on myself and the relationships in my life. Please give me the strength to call out for help when I need it. Thanks guys for letting me share and have a great night. 

Ok guys day one is officially in the books. Thank g-d is was a productive day but had some stressful run ins with some acquaintances. I've committed to be there for specific people but sometimes they can be really stressful and that's where I am right now feeling very stressed out. Don't want to go to sleep like this bec the. I wake up worse so......I am committing to meditate for up to 60seconds before I get to bed maybe listen to some relaxing music. I got a job nay a responsibility to do what I can put in the effort to stay clean. G-d please help me on this road I'm on. Please give me the strength I need please keep helping as usual. I completely offer myself to you to build with me and do with me as you wish. Thank for a productive day. Help me have a peaceful night. Thanks for letting me share guys.  Have a wonderful and holy night!!

have a great shabbos guys!!!

I've been tired, hungry, and just wanting to go to sleep (a retreat), and of course feeling some acting out triggers. My day (which i started late), was busy, but there's been a feeling underneath that's unhappy (for lack of a better term). I was at a business trying to save some money, and while i was waiting lots of other customers were there, and i found some of them triggering, particularly some who were couples. I diverted my attention, but that didn't necessarily last to long. At one point i davened for a couple of seconds, that i should recognize that they're people with lives etc, and that they should have what they need. It helped for a bit. I definitely looked at some points longer then could be a automatic thing. I haven't had a chance all day, to get on the forums, or to speak to anybody, so i decided to grab this time.
If anybody sees this before shabbos, Good shabbos.
And, thanks for letting me share.

Thanks for sharing Abe! 
i can relate with a lot of that. Waking up late is a huge trigger for me, I feel horrible about myself, start some serious self loathing and that's the beginning of the end for me. Also when I'm out shopping and my brain is flooded by a bazillion choices and decisions it gets a lot harder to stay focused on where I look. a friend of mine recently tried a point system where every time he looked away or didn't look, he gave himself a dollar. So far he's made some money and plans on buying himself some cool thing he always wanted. Just an idea. either way thanks for sharing.

Just st to get current. Yesterday was day 3 and....I acted out....but back on the wagon today. I have identified the specific stressor that has been my trigger lately. What I'm working on today is my black and white thinking. Either I'm totally ok or I'm a horribly messed up addict. Today I'm trying to learn the balance. Both are true I am a really good guy with some really great qualities and at the same time I have a very serious problem with compulsive p&m that needs my attention. 

Right now im feeling a little rejected and used by a good friend. G-d please help me stay clean tonight help me wake up feeling rested. Help me stay in touch with my emotions. Thank you. Thanks for letting me share guys!  Have a great one

Avrohom wrote on 13 May 2016 23:41:

I just read these two posts and was reminded of several things that are crucial to my own sobriety. So thanks for sharing!
Firstly, the idea that waking up late is a trigger is huge. I used to have a real problem with getting up late, and its such a draw for me that if I don't keep at it, it can fall apart at any second. There were years that my wife was always up and in the middle of a productive day before I stirred. I got up feeling like a worm. There were times that my kids were saying goodbye to me on their way to school and I had still not gotten out of bed. Ouch. Those were really triggering times. Thanks for the reminder. I try to get myself up on time because the pain is just not worth it. Sometimes I can get myself out of bed by promising myself a nap. But if I do get up late, then the other challenge begins. To tell myself that there is still a day ahead of me. And that if I can stay sober and focused now, that is a challenge in its own right. 

humble, you mentioned feeling rejected and used by a friend. Oh my goodness. Crazy trigger for me. Is it all of us that are so so sensitive to rejection???

And, finally, Abe, you mentioned trying to tell yourself that the people that you are triggered by are people with lives. I once posted a similar thing. I find especially effective to think of the parents of the people that might be triggering. How much their parents probably love them, and how appalled they would be to think that their child is being objectified in a sexual way by someone. After I posted about that I was zoche to a response from Dov. Dov wrote that he has found that it helps to genuinely daven for those people. And recently in a post, Dov wrote about this again. He wrote that instead of looking at p stars as lowly, he looks at them as people and davens for them that they should get what they need from Hashem. He does not judge them to be any different than him. Just creations of Hashem that need Him. I was blown away by this. I have not done it yet. But i am awed by the idea.

Hatzlacha !!!

hey real Simcha thanks for sharing. I struggle(d) mightily with waking up late. What worked for you? 

Also about feeling rejected I ended up confronting my friend. Turns out it was just a misunderstanding. But it helped me a lot. Communication and being able to be assertive about how I feel is key for me. 

Today was was a long day. Been really tired and feeling under the weather not in the greatest mood but happy to say that I didn't completely isolate. Still got out did what I needed to do (Mariv etc.) going to do some self care now and go to sleep early. Thank you hashem for a productive day for helping me deal with stress. I give everything over to You. All my insecurities and choices I give it all over to You. Thanks for letting me share guys! Have a great night!! 

humble wrote on 18 May 2016 02:28:

Not sure what finally clicked into place with waking up. I think, maybe, that:
a - I really felt the difference in me and my family when I was up. And,
b - I realized that I had to stop "babying" myself. I am not a child anymore. Its time to grow up. I was just letting myself be a child. Why a child? Because adults get up even when they are tired. I guess addict and child have in common allowing themselves to selfishly feed their physical comfort needs.

Great to heat about your productive day. Keep the chizuk coming!!!

realsimcha wrote on 17 May 2016 12:21:

Thanks for that. I'm not sure how ready i am for the part about "stars". But the thought of the parents strikes a chord (although of course i'm already coming up with rationalizations, that sometimes.... This is just crazy, i started writing it, then just got too embarrassed).
Btw i love your diary.