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Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum
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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.
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TOPIC: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 1636 Views

Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 26 Jan 2009 18:31 #2413

  • eme
I have copied and pasted strugglingwoman's post, as I think it is a good reason for deterrent. I also added a video link at the end, which is very worthwhile to watch.

"I just read the sad thread about a bachur who committed suicide and people speculating what caused him to do it.  Some people could imagine the pain of getting caught in their addiction prompting such an action.

Perhaps this would be a helpful (albeit painful) exercise for us.  What would you do in the event of a Discovery Day (D-Day) by your wife or family or coworkers or friends?  How would you feel?  Maybe some of us have already been caught.  What happened?  What devastation occurred? 

Perhaps by imagining the shame and self-loathing and abandonment and and disgust of those that found us out we will be encouraged to stop our behaviors."



A must see video:

www.theyeshivaworld.com/video_viewer.php?player=g&clip=-7332930594849349840&hl=en

It is long, but very very worthwhile to watch.
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Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 05 Mar 2009 05:53 #3547

  • eme
I strongly encourage review of this video every month or so. Even if you dont watch the whole thing, the first 15-20 minutes can help alot.
Last Edit: 09 Mar 2009 05:10 by reuven.

Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 05 Mar 2009 23:15 #3572

  • Ykv_schwartz
eme wrote on 26 Jan 2009 18:31:

"I just read the sad thread about a bachur who committed suicide and people speculating what caused him to do it.  Some people could imagine the pain of getting caught in their addiction prompting such an action.

I was caught once, eight years ago.  I attempted a suicide on the spot.  My wife stopped me.  We went to therapy, and life went back to normal.  many weeks later I fell back into sin again.  Yes, indeed the fear of getting caught is scary and a great deterrent.  But an addiction is an addiction.  All external factors for motivation have their limitations. A persona begins rationalizing that he will not get caught. 
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Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 05 Mar 2009 23:33 #3573

  • the.guard
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Wow. my heart stopped when I read this post of yours.
You were caught by your wife? How did she take it when she caught you?
And maybe you want to elaborate a little on your story... What did you try to do? How did she stop you? How did she get you to go to therapy?

I am asking all these questions for two reasons.
1) Your story could scare people into doing whatever it takes to break free.
2) this could maybe stop someone from attempting suicide if he is caught.

Imagine you had succeeded. Look at you today. A burning bush of kedusha. Immersed in Torah 13 hours a day! The Yetzer Hara can't get close to you now!!

Yidden, live and learn from Yaakov.
Live and learn!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 05 Mar 2009 23:37 by .

Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 05 Mar 2009 23:57 #3575

  • Ykv_schwartz
Well, she actually caught me twice.  The first time I made up a whole story and she believed it.  The second time, there was no denying it.  She approached me very calmly and lovingly and asked me what is going on. I will describe her emotions in a letter I wrote to my therapist in summer 2007.  But at that moment I ran to the kitchen and pulled a knife out on myself.  She took the knife away and told me I am being silly.  We spoke for a while and I told her that I used to have this problem in H.S. but have been cured since and this is a relapse.  I tried explaining her that this has nothing to do with her.  To impress upon her my sincerity with my fight (and I was always willing to pick myself up and not give up hope), I showed her letters which I wrote to myself.  I told her that I wrote these letters in H.S., when in fact I wrote them a week earlier.  She did not know what to say.  She was very confused about me.  Years later she would ask me about my issues.  There was one letter that always sat on top of my shaarei teshuvah which continues to be a constant reminder.  It is still there till today. 
It was my idea to go to therapy.  We went to a well known therapist.  This was in summer 2001.  I will describe that therapy shortly.  Well, six years later, summer 2006, I was in desperation, I thought I was the only one in the world with this problem, I wrote to this therapist and ask him for advice.

Below is an excerpt of the letter

My wife and I had come to your office six years ago telling you about this problem.  This was after being "caught" twice.  First time was with a bunch of magazines.  I made up a whole story and she believed me.  The second time was when I forgot to close my computer and she found inappropriate material on my screen.  That is when she confronted me and made me admit.  My wife was very supportive and understanding, albeit with a sense of resentment, betrayal and above all total confusion of what I am.  That is when I phoned you. 
Unfortunately, we didn't get too far with you and so we stopped going.  This was not due to your lack of skills and understanding of the problem.  On the contrary, I felt very comfortable with you and thought you could be very helpful.  The main problem was twofold.  Firstly, there was lack of direction and goal on our part.   We were faced with a dual problem that was intertwined.  I had my personal problem that needed to be addressed irrelevant of a marriage.  Then we had the new marital problem.  So when we went to you were not so focused.  We were very bewildered.  The second problem was that I couldn't fully express myself with my wife there.  I had lied to you in front of her about the extent of the problem.  I had told you that while this was an old problem, I had been "cured" from it for five years.  And this incident of being "caught" was a revival of an old skeleton.  However, the shameful truth is that I had suffered from this problem since I was 12 years old, and really began at age 10 (I am now 29).  It got extremely intense when I was 14. It has not simmered down but only gotten worse over the years.   So when I went to you, we were married for three years.  I had been doing inappropriate behavior behind her back all those years.  I could not admit it to you and her and the spot.  So obviously, the problem is going to be hard to deal with when you are not informed of the true problem that I was dealing with at the present.
There was another issue.  After being "caught" and sitting with you I felt internally cured.  I could never imagine doing this behavior again.  It was far from my mind and desires.  This is the honest truth.  And so I felt we accomplished what we needed.  In terms of my relationship with my wife, we basically spoke it out and she respected me again.  You had helped a lot in that regard.  You had explained to her how this has nothing to do with her and not rooted in rejection.  You emphasized that it was a personal problem that I was suffering from.  She understood that I could fall into the same trap again and made me promise that if I feel this problem I should speak to her.  So I went six weeks cold turkey.  That's a long time for me.  I felt great.  No urges.  I was cured.  My marriage is intact and my personal self is intact.  What could be better?  Well, one Sunday morning my wife was out of the house. I was home with my two year old.  And I got this urge, told my son to play in his room and went I right back to this behavior. 
Six years later now and things have only gotten worse.  Though, now I became smart.  I keep things confidential.  I clean up my tracks.  Once in a while, my wife gets a bit suspicious. Not enough to confront me.  Now don't think that I haven't tried working on this problem.  I have been trying very hard with myself.  For a while I did a little reward system with myself.  That worked for four weeks.  During those four weeks, I was "cured". I had no internal urges.  I had gotten filters over the years.  But that doesn't really help.  Even the best ones don't filter everything. I always manage to found things.
Externally, I am living a very nice life.  We now live in Israel with four children.  I learn gemara during the day.  My nights are spent making a parnassa.  I am very happy with what I do and feel very satisfied.  Torah learning is the focus of my life.  My spare moments are spent with the Gemara.  I am diligent about it and I truly love it.  Not to brag, but I consider myself one of the more advanced in my chabura.  People consider me a talmid chacham.  For some people I live that perfect balance between making a parnassa and torah learning.  Where Torah learning is my focus and parnassa is a means to the ends.  I tell you this to paint this very awkward picture for you.
Internally, I am a broken man. I am under constant Depression.  I am really a failure to society.  I fool the world.   I represent spirituality to many people.  But inside I am of the most corrupt of beings that walk this earth.   I am shining on the outside and dirty on the inside.  I am confused about my own self.  I sometimes wonder if I have demons inside of me.  I feel like Jekyll and Hyde.  I am two people in one.  I can walk from complex torah discussion in the laws of korbonos to my computer screen indulging myself of the worst pleasures known to mankind.  I am sincere in my leaning, but I have some other part of me.  I am not faking it.  I could be in engaging in bad behavior and receive a call from a friend about a complex sugya. [My siyata D'Shmaya in learning is taken away from me at those times, and I am unable to converse with clarity.  I will often have to daven very hard and promise never to do it again to regain the siyata d'shmaya.] I am a hidden man to my family.  I am living a lie to my wife.  I feel horrible with myself.  I fill my wonderful head with junk.  I am crying inside.  I have contaminated the vessels that hold my spirituality.   Every year I hope for a yom kippur, where I will do a true vidui to Hashem for my PAST aveiros.  But comes Yom Kippur, I am still holding on to them.  I tell Hashem on Yom Kippur that I am finished.  But a few days later, I usually get back into it.  I have contemplated suicide since I was 16. Though, in the past 5 years, not so much.  During my first year of marriage I would stand for long amounts of time at the top of a very tall building, ready to jump.   I just asked Hashem to take my life.  I can't bare this anymore.  I will get on a bus, and daven to Hashem for there to be an accident and I will get killed.  I will first cast away by problems, do teshuva and vidui.  This way I can die with teshuva.  I know this is not the way to think, but my mind thinks this way.  (I also saw this concept brought down in a very poular chasidus sefer.)  I want you to know the severity of this situation and how much I suffer.   
    This problem I experience comes in the way of my life, let alone the moral corruption it creates in me.  I will spend three hours on this instead of getting a project done.  I do not understand myself.  Why do I do that?  Why can't I just focus on what needs to be done.  I don't even feel good about it.  My wife thinks I am working to make money for the family when in fact I am destroying the fabrics and foundations of our home.  When I was working full time in the states, I would leave my office for an hour to go to the immoral parts of NYC and indulge myself.  This was during working hours.  Meaning, I risked losing my job just to excite myself.  This is classic for me.  I forget about life to indulge myself.  A clear sign of addiction.  I am clearly not healthy and not in control of myself.  Though, I am a very rational person. 
   About a year ago, I started to see the new buzz word "internet addiction".  I saw it all over the web.  That is when I began to relate to my own problem as an addiction.  I felt comforted and scared at the same time.  I realized that I can no longer deal with this on my own but I need professional advice.  But how can I do that? That means admitting to wife that for 9 years of marriage I have lied and "cheated" on her.  I truly believe that this is not a good idea.  I may cause her irreparable damage.  And certainly our marriage and children will suffer too greatly.  So on my spare time I read up on addiction and began working with the problem on my own.  Once again, I felt great.  I destroyed my yetzer hara.  It was like throwing him into the furnace. B'H, I was cured and will now become society's biggest hero.  I am the man who fought his inclinations.   Well, needless to say, this problem came right back.  A sleeping spirit was awakened in me one day. 
    [By the way this is a general cycle in my life.  I go through these spurts of optimism and prevail.  This has been going on since I was 16 years old.  I would fight with myself.  Believe I won, and fall to the lowest.  Get depressed. satisfied with low state.  Find courage to get up and fall again.  I have still not given up on myself.  I draw upon the classical works of R' Yonah and chovos halevovos for guidance in my fight.  The longest I have gone was six months when I was a bachur in Yeshiva 11 years ago.   I became the a big masmid in my yeshiva.  I was full of energy and chidushim.  The end of the zman, I fell prey to my reawakened urges.  I found a magazine shop, violated one of the worst aveiros to mankind.  I became withdrawn and depressed.  Nobody could figure out what happened to me.  My friends thought that I was suffering from burnout.  Today, my wife gets confused with me.  Why do I get down sometimes and all of a sudden lose all my energy.  When I am doing well, I have so much energy I feel like I could conquer the world.  I have some chapters in tehillim that I say to help me.  I ask Hashem for divine assistance.  I have developed a very weird relationship with Hashem.]

Last Edit: 06 Mar 2009 11:20 by .

Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 06 Mar 2009 08:05 #3576

  • the.guard
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Wow, I had tears in my eyes reading this letter. It is so typical of addiction. The internal contradictions are simply unbearable. We can't understand ourselves. We want to die.
I get letters like these all the time. And for an addiction as strong as this, with these recurring cycles, I would have definitely suggest the 12-Step LIVE groups. Definitely.

But now I am really curious. What happened SINCE 2001? What did your therapist answer to this letter? What happened with your wife, did you never admit the full truth? It seems that until 25 days ago you were still entrenched in the cycle of addiction. Where did you get your recent resolve? And how do you indeed know it is not just ANOTHER cycle like you've had in the past?

Although, there is one big difference. Now that you've found us, there's no turning back until you are FULLY cured, and I mean it. Yaakov, you have my word. Don't drop us and we'll never drop you. No matter what happens, we are in this together till the end. You, me, Boruch, and all of us here. We will grab you by your hands and DRAG you with us  if we have to (which I doubt) until you can announce final, and complete victory with Hashem's help!
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
Last Edit: 06 Mar 2009 08:14 by .

Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 06 Mar 2009 08:24 #3577

  • Ykv_schwartz
guardureyes wrote on 05 Mar 2009 23:33:

1) Your story could scare people into doing whatever it takes to break free.

Scare has not worked for me. I have been scared to my wits.  and to add to that, there have been a few times that I thought that my wife caught me again and was waiting for her to confront me.  Was I scared? yes.  But, when a man lacks control, nothing but nothing can stop him.

This is the ultimate scare.  We should be scared by the fact that indeed we are totally powerless to the Y"H of arayos.  If a person feeds it and does not begin to internally work on it, it will brew inside and take over.  The important point is internalizing the words of our Rabbis and not just believe them.  We must feel them.  We must understand them.  Dealing with the core of the mensch is a difficult thing, but crucial.  Every day of my life I sort out the most minute feelings of sexual desires.  We do not even notice them.  I, B"H, have no urges.  But I know that my inner self desires it.  This is a reality.  And I continue to address it. The Gemara in kiddushin (81a) makes it quite clear that man is powerless to this Y"H.  

We need to address the idea of not only self control but changing our perspectives on life and changing our inner self.  The Gra writes in Mishei, if a person does not work to change himself, then what purpose is there for his life. A person, like myself who feels they lack no conscious desire for porn or any illegitimate desire, which includes being aroused by any woman around, needs to go further.  He needs to move on to working on the areas of life that are permissible.  He needs to address his own desire for his wife.  This is indeed a deep and fundamental work of life.  But this is internal change.  The natural self will be pained if his wife pushes off even one night, let alone a week of having relations.  This is a comforting fact that has already been documented by the Rambam's son.  So what do you do about it?  Sit back and get frustrated?  get angry with your wife?  Get angry at the world?  Go get porn?  A person needs to address his emotions.  Why do I feel this way?  A person needs to have self control of the mind.  This is a difficult part of avodas hashem.  But it is crucial for changing the inner self.  It takes time and effort. And there is no end to this growth.  

Chazal say that a nazir is a sinner for paining himself by abstaining from wine.  But the Mefarshim tell us that chazal do not mean to negate the purity of the nazir. Rather, a person can only be a nazir if he is ready for it.  Being Ready for it means that he indeed feels no pain from abstinence.  A person has to know themselves and where they are holding.  A person has to be honest with themselves.  However, at whatever madreiga a person is at, he needs to strive for better.  The Rabeinu Yona elaborates on the idea of the nazir by explaining that the the Torah is teaching us how to grow.  Growth comes through changing the inside.  A person should strive, he writes, to be the nazir, but needs to know if he is ready.  And if not, then get yourself ready.   This concept is a popular idea when discussing perishus in general.  The baalei mussar are always quick to point out that the main purpose of perishus is working on the inner self.  It is for this reason, one will find comments from as far back as the Rambam's son regarding the problem with fasting and inflicting pain on oneself for avodas hashem.  They write this is wrong as it weakens the body and those people are not ready for it.  A person who fasts can be a sinner.  The reason being is because the inner self is not ready and theyt are paining the body.

A person without addiction that does not work on his inner self has simply not reached his potential.  But a post-addict who fails to do so, fails do accomplish his main mission in life and risks falling back.  The power of habit and comfort that porn offers to man is too strong to those who have been there. If a person does not address his inner self and work ti uproot it and rewire then when the moment of truth arrives (it should never arrive), a person's temptations will drag him down.  He may have the resolve on the first few accounts to fight it.  But as the tests increase and his desire now increases, he loses the strength and resolve to fight another battle.  He surrenders before he starts.

So we should be scared.  We should be scared of ourselves and what we can do if not properly guarded and trained.  Our human spirit is a wild beast.  If we do not address the dangerous potential that lurks within, we are doomed to be overtaken by the monstrous beast.  We must not let our fear ppush us to surrender, because there is no backing away, that is called suicide (been there already).  We must approach the beast and learn to to train him.  By realizing the potential danger that he has, and realizing the only true road to survival with this beast is through training and guarding we are then empowered to change him forever. We daven to Hashem all the time to help us on this mission of life.

When we learn to do that, are neshama can ride high with stride and shine forth to the world.  We can then be zoche to be like Mordachai Hazaddik riding high on the horse in victory with none other than the ultimate evil leading the way against his every will.  The tzaddik sits back comfortably,  all is in control and it is the Y"H that leads the way to good. The Tzaddik no longer has to control the Y"H.  The Y"H has no choice.   [this last paragraph is based on the Rama in the mechir Yayin, his kabalistic allegorical explanation to megillas ester]

We should all be zoche to a true purim sameach where our rabbis teach in the medresh that purim is teshuva from love which has the capability of turning evil into good.
Last Edit: 06 Mar 2009 11:29 by .

Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 06 Mar 2009 09:26 #3578

  • Ykv_schwartz
guardureyes wrote on 06 Mar 2009 08:05:

Wow, I had tears in my eyes reading this letter. It is so typical of addiction.

I also had tears in my eyes. I read this letter from time to time to remind myself what I was and what I am now.  It is amazing what a person can accomplish when he believes himself.  Just remember, Hashem gives us our neshama back every day, even though the neshama does not want to be here. BUt Hashem belives in us that we can fix our ways.  If Hashem beleives in us, we can believe in ourselves.

guardureyes wrote on 06 Mar 2009 08:05:

I get letters like these all the time. And for an addiction as strong as this, with these recurring cycles, I would have definitely suggest the 12-Step LIVE groups. Definitely.

I never denied or negated this.  In fact, the purpose of my letter to that therapist (I left out the end) was to ask him for therapists in Israel who can work on this problem.  There were always practical concerns that stopped me from pursuing it.  Couple that with the fact that since that letter was written, my resolve to win has gotten even stronger.  And of course I feel cured.  It is very hard to talk to talk to a therapist about a problem I am not experiencing.  I, also never had much luck with them.  We had to go to many for one of my children, who believe it or not has self control issues as well in terms of annoying and hurting people.  (I recently made a 12 step program for him, and we work on it together.  I explained to him the idea of the yezter hara, and how we are supposed to fight him.  I always worked on external factors and I realized the time has come for him to begin internal change.)  To find a therapist who is wiling to truly understand the situation is unique.  Though, I have made use of the hotline with R' Shochet.  He is the first person I actually spoke to since that therapist in NYC. I do hope to call him more. 

guardureyes wrote on 06 Mar 2009 08:05:

But now I am really curious. What happened SINCE 2001?

Many lone battles have been fought and lost over those years.  My life went back to normal.  My wife only asked from time to time.  But it wasn't until a little over a year ago that my struggle began to get easier.  This is when I began davening with fervor.  When I stopped daveing, I fell.  It was not until after Pesach that I picked myself up and went six months.


guardureyes wrote on 06 Mar 2009 08:05:

What did your therapist answer to this letter?

Not much.   I was greatly discourages by his apathy.  I was after all a post client.  I thought that my case deserved more then one sentence.  But the letter itself was nonetheless a turning point for me.  IT was the first time that I wrote my emotions and my story out.  It was the first time I saw a reflection of myself.  I began to understand who I am.  From that point forward I had greater resolve to fight.  And it was about eight-nine months later that I lead my six month hiatus. 

guardureyes wrote on 06 Mar 2009 08:05:

What happened with your wife, did you never admit the full truth?

Nope.  But we still spoke about it.  It was extremely helpful for me to able to talk about it with her.  She even asked me from time to time if I am going to porn.  I of course denied it.  Over the years she began to realize that it is in fact an addiction.  She helps me out a lot.  She tries to protect me by reminding me not to go to certain places.  I talk to her about my desires and how I do not like them.  We are very open, and she understands me that much more because she had a glimpse into my world of addiction.  I am able to describe myself to her without her realizing tha I am talking the present.  And B"H we have such a loving relationship.  I am especially emotional.  I began to realize the more I work on true loving relationship, the addiction does subside.  A person begins to feel real. And real I feel.  My inner emotions to marital relations has greatly changed in the past year.  This always was an area of my life that I never truly addressed.  This is a lifetime effort. To raise kedusha in these areas.  For the fist time in my life I began to realize the power of giving as opposed to taking. And when I say realized I do not mean the first time I heard about it.  I mean the first time I began truly experiencing that joy.  You cannot understand anything life unless you experienced it.  My positive love increased.  I found myself being much more sympathetic and helpful to my wife.  I began to realize what it means to show love.  I began to realize that shalom bayis is eternal.  There are no limits to growth.  When my addiction was up, love was down. When love is up, addiction is down.  I wish not to elaborate in this point any longer. perhaps some other time.

guardureyes wrote on 06 Mar 2009 08:05:

It seems that until 25 days ago you were still entrenched in the cycle of addiction. Where did you get your recent resolve?

Well, like I said I went six months. Yom Kippur was indeed very happy for me.  I was completely cured.  When I fell, I was in total denial that I really fell.  It was a big shocker. I worked so hard to pull myself up. I did not where to turn.  I was ready to search out therapists.  As now I realized the great danger. I began to admit to myself that I am powerless to this terrible addiction. But I did not know what to do.  My great resolve came from two sources.  Firstly, a series of shovavim shiurim on inyanei kedusha.  After that, I felt cured again but went back to the Y"H anyways.  I began to realize that I am not believing in myself.  I do not want to elaborate on all my emotions as I might not say them correctly.  But the point is that the shiurim gave me inner strength and confidence.   The second one, which is even greater, is this site.  The site gave me tools that I never had before.  It was the first time someone explained to me how to apply the words of chazal to porn addiction.  Chazal are b'kitzur as to how to exactly go about it.  And this site gave me an exact formula.  It encouraged me to step out more.  And within a week, I was back to where I was before Yom Kippur.  But from the time that I fell until I picked myself up (less than three months) I never went more than 2-3 days without doing full teshuva.  I was indeed a very intense few months.  Until suddenly I realized this is so silly.  Just stop doing it.  And I did.

I remained positive at all times.  I stopped looking down at my own self.  I continued to see myself in a positive light, a man with great potential.  I am involved in giving shiurim, and I continued to do so.  On the outside I acted as my true self.  I reminded myself that I am not tricking anyone.  I am tricking myself by acting a the way I did in private.  THe true me is what I do on the outside.  And I had to take the private me (both physically and emotionally) and turn it into the true me.  The proper environment brings out the true essence.  I could not tap into the true me in private.  When I started the journey over again, I felt myself again.  This is the true me. I know the true me.  My learning sky rocketed.  I have written up some amazing sugyas in complete clarity in some of the most complex topics.  When I felt my clarity come back, I felt Hashem with me at all times.
I am truly honored when Hashem send his signs of approval to me.  This gave me greater resolve to take everything above and beyond.

guardureyes wrote on 06 Mar 2009 08:05:

And how do you indeed know it is not just ANOTHER cycle like you've had in the past?

I do not know.  Isn't that scary?  Now you see why I am so scared.  I know myself all too well.  I spoke to R' Shochet about this concern.  To even think that before a few years my brain is rewired is unrealistic. And even at that point, who knows?  The only thing that can prevent me from falling is continual internal growth.  It means to constantly train the beast.  It means to constantly guard the beat within.  I need to be extremely careful where I go.  I need real fences. And I have put them up. I took upon myself new chumrahs in inyanei kedusha and tzinuis.  I cling to Hashem more than I did in the past.  I internalize the torah much more.  I have begun working on my middos in general.  I have stated many times that each fall brought new kedusha and new chachma within me.  These last few weeks are really the first time in my life that I began working on controlling 'Kosher thoughts'. I, B"H, bli eyin hara rarely get any sort of erection anymore.  My life took a major upward swing.  This is more awesome than any other time in my life.  My emotional excitement died down in the past week but my rational resolve continues.  We need to remember, always be on guard. 

The fact that I went six months proved to me that it can be done.  The battle was not hard at all.  Which is why I was so happy.  We all the know the famous gemara in succah that Hashem will show the Y"H to Rasha and it is but a minuscule hair thread. Those people had to wait to the future days to see it, I saw it in my life time.  I saw how little he really is.  It is in fact nothing.  But, we forget this.   The day that I decided no more, He stopped coming.  I had not once out of difficulty. No urges.  No temptations. NO arousal.  It is amazing what determination coupled with Hashem's help can do. He was nothing more than a mere silly habit.  Now, I can focus on building myself. But I continue talking to myself and to Hashem. Keep your eye on the ball at all times. 

guardureyes wrote on 06 Mar 2009 08:05:

Although, there is one big difference. Now that you've found us, there's no turning back until you are FULLY cured, and I mean it. Yaakov, you have my word. Don't drop us and we'll never drop you. No matter what happens, we are in this together till the end. You, me, Boruch, and all of us here. We will grab you by your hands and DRAG you with us  if we have to (which I doubt) until you can announce final, and complete victory with Hashem's help!

Why do you think I post so much.  I have a need for expression.  I have so much in me.  I have no one to tell my feelings to.  I am a man of emotion based on rational thought.  I have a burning need for ruchniyus.  When I cry I am happy.  I truly yearn for Hashem.  I need for people to understand me to and to relate to me.  I know that my clinging to this site is my savior.  It is this site that helped me focus so much.  And every time that I kick myself for spending too much time on it, I know that if my soul needs it, feed it.  And if I can inspire others through my difficult battle, even better.  I love this site. I love you.  I love my readers.  This is an amazing thing we are doing. 

And for everyone reading this, do not underestimate the power of expression.  On this site you can grow at your own pace, mark your progress and we will all be inspired. But do not bottle your emotions inside you. Please share. 
Last Edit: 06 Mar 2009 11:55 by .

Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 06 Mar 2009 15:07 #3581

  • jack
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dearest ykv, we are listening to you. i am like a peanut compared to your madrega.the fact that you wanted to die because your addiction was taking you away from holiness is absolutely amazing, awe inspiring.it's like the stories they tell in the gemara.i feel connected to you - we are all part of one big neshama that's called klal yisrael.but you MUST seek treatment.klal yisrael needs people like you, your family needs you, and WE need you! you are a true tzadik that heppens to have a sickness.this sickness must be treated.and it IS treatable.there are people that can help you - it's just a matter of finding them.so have patience, keep posting, and i wish you the best. freilechen purim.
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Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 06 Mar 2009 17:29 #3584

  • aaron4
I love this site. I love you.  I love my readers.  This is an amazing thing we are doing.

And for everyone reading this, do not underestimate the power of expression.  On this site you can grow at your own pace, mark your progress and we will all be inspired. But do not bottle your emotions inside you. Please share.


Ykv,

I agree with you completely.  This root cause of this disease is emotional.  The connection to our inner selves was never fully developed, hence the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome where we can be so successful and productive on the outside yet so troubled and pained on the inside.  The two need to be in synch...and when they're not, the result is pain!  Pain leads us to self medicate through porn, to escape and feel good. Good therapy focuses on addressing the root cause - lack of emotional development and how to really feel and experience life through your own perceptions, not intellectually explaining the world with books or someone else's words, but your own.  I can tell you that the feeling that you're slowly connecting to yourself is the most exhilarating, exciting and incredible feeling I have ever experienced.  It empowers you - you begin to know who you are and what your real strengths and weaknesses are, not what your second grade teacher or high school Rebbe said about your potential but what it really is!  This self knowledge is the beginning of true Avodas Hashem.  You begin to develop yourself, to work on yourself, and to feel yourself growing closer to Hashem and to know that he loves you and that you're actualizing your true potential and doing what you were created to do!  It's fulfilling, satisfying and positive, Ykv.

And this site enables that very same emotional expression which is why it's so healing and helpful.  Believe me, I was never the one to speak up in a crowd.  What would I say?  I had no opinions or ideas that I thought needed to be voiced because they were all based on intellect alone and could easily be refuted by a good argument.  But here I am, expressing myself.  And guess what?  No one has to agree with me and I'm not concerned about counterarguments or that I'll lose the debate.  Because this is me, it's not a debate, and I'm a person who's self expression is no less worthy of being heard than anyone else's.  Plenty of people say ridiculous things, the worst that can happen is that my comments will be lumped in with theirs...but perhaps they'll be viewed as useful and help someone.  At a minimum, they help me by enabling self expression.  Your words helped me too.  Hearing your incredible story, how it's affected you and how you've been dealing with it is an amazing source of Chizuk!  We're all in this together.

One thought for you.  You say:
She even asked me from time to time if I am going to porn.  I of course denied it.

Although it seems obvious that you denied it's likely a sign that the addiction is still there.  Only by letting go completely can you beat this.  Denial shows that you think you may still be able to do this on your own.  You'll manage, it's not a problem, so you can deny and not worry.  That's what the Y"H wants you to think but it's all part of the cycle.  Break the cycle by letting go...

Keep posting...
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Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 07 Mar 2009 21:54 #3594

  • Ykv_schwartz
aaron4,

Tears flowed from my eyes as I read your post.  No one has expressed such an understanding for me as you did.  Your words describe what I have been undergoing for close to a year and a half now.  All I can say is thanks.
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Re: Visualizing a D-Day - Copied from the other forum 07 Mar 2009 23:00 #3597

  • the.guard
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Yaakov, it's not for nothing Ahron is one of our greatest success stories. He is a great warrior and has made incredible progress. He is over 6 months clean! I only wish he'd share his beautiful and inspiring thoughts more often :-) You can see his story here.
Webmaster of www.guardyoureyes.org - Maintaining Moral Purity in Today's World. We’re here on a quest ; it’s really all a test. Just do your best and G-d will do the rest.
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